Kids....

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Little Johnny, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
Little Johnny: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Little Johnny, how do you spell "crocodile?"
Little Johnny: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
Little Johnny: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish
him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

This is Kool...

AWESOME ALERT. Using both GPS satellite techniques and triangulation based on phone towers, locate a mobile/cellular phone anywhere in the world! And a tip, no dashes when you put the number in, otherwise it complains. This is cool!

Hat tip to EHOWA

Away Message of the Day

I'm out like Jessica Simpson in a spelling bee!

Southernness

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, .... As in: "Going to town, be back directly."
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold tater salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large nanner puddin!
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
Only a Southerner both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and Po white trash.
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, .... And when we're "in line," . We talk to everybody!
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
In the South, y'all is singular, .... All y'all is plural.
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" .... And go your own way.
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy ! and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... Bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."
SOUTHERN WOMEN
Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.
Southern women know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir."
"Why, no, Billy!"
Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions:
"Y'all come back!"
"Well, bless your heart."
"Drop by when you can."
"How's your Momma?"
Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity
Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The beach
The beach
Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses
Iced sweet tea with mint
Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah
Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind
Southern women know their religions:
Pentecostal
Baptist
Football
Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
Grits
Eggs
Country ham
Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with homemade jelly
Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Charleston (Chawl'stn)
Savannah (S'vanah)
Fort Worth (Foat Wuth)
New Orleans (N'awlins)
Atlanta (Addlanna)
Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler, of course!
Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon
Southern girls know the four deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food
Wearing too much makeup in the summer
Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah!
Now......Shugah, send this to some girls who were raised in the South or wish they had been!
If you're a Northern transplant, "Bless your little heart", fake it.
We know you got here as fast as you could

Breast Appreciation Week...

Approaching the coming of winter

Hi Everyone, With fall upon us, and the days getting shorter,
I thought you all would appreciate this superb, evocative,
Masterfully penned ode to the coming winter season.
So, grab a coffee, a comfortable chair, relax and scroll down

To enjoy the warm feelings and pleasure

That this wonderful poem will bring...

" ODE TO WINTER "

A poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

" SHIT It's Cold!"
The End

Ya think your job stinks...

Psychic Visit...

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news, "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.
She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice and asked,
"Will I get away with it?"

Quote of the Day...

I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it.
—Frank A. Clark

Things I learned living in Oklahoma

1. Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with all four feet in the air.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Oklahoma
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in OK, plus a few no one has ever seen before.
4. Raccoons will test your melon crop, and let you know when they are ripe.
5. If it grows, it will stick you. If it crawls, it will bite you!
6. Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.
7. There are valid reasons some people put razor wire around their house.
8. A tractor is NOT an all terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.
9. The wind blows at 90 mph from Oct 2 till June 25; then it stops totally until October 2.
10. Onced and twiced are words.
11. Coldbeer is one word.
12. People actually grow and eat okra.
13. Green grass DOES burn.
14. When you live in the country you don't have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your front gate in the middle of the night.
15. The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first few weeks.
16. When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to see a doctor.
17. Fixin-to is one word.
18. There ain't no such thing as "lunch". There is only breakfast, dinner and then there's supper.
19. "Sweet tea" is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you are two.
20. "Backwards and forwards" means I know everything about you.
21. "Jeet?" is actually an inquiry into your dining habits.
22. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done, or it's too dark to see.
23. You measure distance in minutes or hours.
24. You can switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
25. Stores don't have bags. They have sacks.
26. You see cars with the engine running in the Wal-Mart parking lot with no one in them, no matter what time of the year.
27. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit or a vegetable.
28. You install security lights on your house and garage, and leave both unlocked.
29. You carry jumper cables for your own car.
30. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.
31. You only have four spices in your kitchen: Salt, Pepper, Ketchup, and Tabasco.
32. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require six pages to cover Friday night high school football.
33. The first day of deer season is a state holiday.
34. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
35. You find 100 degrees a "tad" warm.
36. The four seasons are: Almost summer, summer, still summer and Christmas.
37. You know whether another Okie is from East, West, North, or South OK as soon as he opens his mouth.
38. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin Wal-Martin" or "off to Wally-world."
39. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili-eatin' weather
40. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop....It's a Coke regardless of brand or flavor.
41. Okies understand these jokes. If you do too, forward them to your friends. If you don't, just come and stay awhile.

This would be funny - if it weren't so very true!

If ya changed the year to 1977 a lot of those would apply to me...

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1973 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
++++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1973 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1973 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.
1973 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison.
Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine.
1973 - Mark's headache goes away.
2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1973: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1973 - Ants die.
2006 - ATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1973 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.
All in the name of progress!

Senior Sex

A couple is having dinner at a restaurant and the husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very old tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex Against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching, thinks, "This was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is."
As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence"......

Candy from a stranger

Remember your mother telling you NEVER accept candy from a stranger?

Here is why!

HELLO

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
Well, my job is done .....Your turn!

Pics

Saskatchewan Home Security

Honey get my gun...


Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Over

Question...

I do not have much of a car background and I was wondering if you could answer one little question for me?

IRISH FLAT SCREEN TV

The Perfect Man...

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

Hillary

Blonde Moments!

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel.
There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones." She turned red, and replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"

So True...

While in a pub in England, a condom machine in the men's room had this on the ad: "Manufactured to strict British standards."
Underneath, someone had scratched, "So was the Titanic."

Yep....

A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing."
The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"
"A month."
"Why did you wait so long to report it?"
"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream."

Firefighter

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the Station when he notices a little girl next door in a Little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter says with admiration.
"Thanks" the girl says.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's' testicles.
"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

So True...

THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
___________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
___________________________________________________
The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
____________________________________________________
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
____________________________________________________
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
____________________________________________________
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
____________________________________________________
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
____________________________________________________
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
____________________________________________________
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
____________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
____________________________________________________
Pass this on to everyone you know who has children . . or everyone who KNOWS someone who has had children . .
(The older the mother, the funnier this is!)
GRANDCHILDREN:
God's reward for allowing your children to live!

Good Advice....

Hi Guys,
There is a virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.
This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any
of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

'Old Guys' Rule

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes,the older worker had had enough."Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Dumb Ass, get in."

Yep....

Thanks Scott...

A Different Christmas Poem

I know this is a little early for this but... Also just found out that Adam is now ' in country' so I'm starting to get my first care package for him. If any of ya out there want to get in touch with him just email me and I'll give ya the info.


The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know, Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.

A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.
"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"

For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..
To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."
"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at 'Pearl on a day in December,"
Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."
"My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.
I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile."

Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.
"I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."

So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

PLEASE, Would you do me the favor of sending this to as many people as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our U.S. service men and women for our being able to celebrate these festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Stop and think of our heroes, living and dead, who have sacrificed themselves for us.

Never Never Never...

Quickies...

What did the post card say from the blonde?
Having a good time. Where am I?

Know what you call a blonde wearing pigtails?
a blowjob with handlebars

Redneck Birth Control...

Or Redneck Brazilian Wax...
Thanks for the idea LL...

Life Imponderables FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

1.. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2.. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3.. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4.. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5.. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6.. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7.. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8.. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9.. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10.. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11.. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12.. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13.. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
14.. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15.. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16.. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17.. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18.. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19.. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20.. I intend to live forever -- so far so good.
21.. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
22.. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23.. Mind like a steel trap -- rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24.. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25.. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26.. Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.
27.. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
28.. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
29.. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30.. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

LOUISIANA GHOST STORY

This happened about a month ago just outside of Cocodrie, a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.
This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by.
It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.
Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.
Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.
The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou and he would surely drown!
But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!
Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.
Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.
A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and not just some drunk).
About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other................
"Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in the rain."

ATTENTION

ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.
YOU WILL BE SAFE, I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE

Old Timers....

Two elderly friends, Johnny and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Johnny didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Johnny hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Johnny lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Johnny, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! -- there sat Johnny!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Johnny, what in the world happened to you?"
Johnny replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Johnny said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she charged me with rape, and I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty' and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

English 101

How do you puctuate the following - - -
An English professor wrote the words :
"A woman without her man is nothing "
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote:

"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote:

"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is powerful.

Thanks Neenie

WHICH OF THE THREE CUP SIZES PICTURED BELOW EXCITES OLDER MEN THE MOST??

Send this to your golfing buddies...

I'm not a golfer...

One expensive calf

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."

Thanks dagoose...

Final Three Candidates for Man of The Year

This one has my vote...

Thanks Neenie

Hello

This morning I searched my wallet.
It was empty.
Then, I checked my pockets.
I found a few coins
I then searched my heart and found you.

Then, I realized how rich I really am...

Thanks for being my friend and email buddy!!!!

Thanks Neenie...

Who need a truck?

I've seen stuff like this in my travels around the world but didn't take any pictures...

Soccer for drunks...

Time Management

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization. Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange...
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets...
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
He explained, "The restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."...
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking round, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter,
"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Only in America....

To much to drink....

Oh that last one is just pure evil as he makes mental note...

New Item for Gitmo...

The military has decided to issue new toilet paper to the terror 'suspects' in Gitmo...

Breast Appreciation Day

Today is National Female Breast Appreciation Day



Beats the heck out of Martin Luther King Day, Doesn't it?

Holiday Recipe....

HAPPY THANKSGIVING..........Here is a recipe I thought you would like for the holidays!
Ingredients:
1 whole chicken or turkey
1 large lemon, cut into halves
sprig of rosemary
salt and pepper to taste
butter or olive oil, whichever you prefer
Heat oven to 350 degrees

Rub butter or oil over the skin of the chicken/turkey until it is completely coated.
Sprinkle with salt and pepper and any other seasonings you prefer.

Take a knife and gently separate the skin from the breast meat;

Slide lemon halves under the skin with the peel side up, one on each side. This way the juice from the lemon will release into the breasts.

Place sprig of rosemary into the chicken/turkey.

Cover and bake for 30-45 minutes. Remove cover and continue to roast until juices run clear, basting every 15-20 minutes.

If you've followed these steps correctly, your chicken/turkey should look like the one in the picture.

Bon Appetit!

Can't add much more...

Dear Friends...

This is to all my Special friends that are very dear to my heart!
I'm Sorry...
For all the mean things I might have said.
I'm Sorry...
For all the things I did or didn't do.
I'm Sorry..
If I ever ignored you.
I'm Sorry...
If I ever made you feel bad or put you down.
I'm Sorry...
If I ever thought I was bigger or better than you.
I Care for You...
Don't ever forget that! Through bad times and good, I'll always be here for you.
I am Sorry...
For everything wrong I've ever done.
I'm writing this because what if tomorrow........
....
...
YOU WIN THE LOTTERY

It's a sad day...

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense.
Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. - Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge financial settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Halloween Customer Complaint

Ya may have seen this one before but just wait till the last line...

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

It's stories like this that make me sad by bringing back memories of when I went to parties as a tripod.............gAh