Hujonwi's Place

Found at EHOWA.COM

2007-09-30T02:01:00.000-05:00

You Might Be A Part Of The Taliban If...
...You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
...You own a $300 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
...You have more wives than teeth.
...You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
...You've ever opened a can of falafel with a mortar round.
...You used a Stinger missile given to you by George Bush Sr. to shoot at a helicopter sent by George Bush Jr.
...You’ve ever had your camel repossessed.
...You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
...You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
...You’ve ever been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look fat?"
...You think "The Kite Runner" is the funniest book you ever read.
...You’ve felt the urge to rub one out after seeing a woman’s exposed ankle.
...You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
...You’ve ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you’ve done with your cave."
...You wipe your asswith your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
I thought you'd like this. I wrote it, but I'd be amazed if I was the first guy to think of it. Feel free to post it. Feel free to modify it. If you use it, please post a link or give me some sort of credit (or blame). - gord

Yep...

2007-09-30T01:55:00.000-05:00

Couldn't help it...

2007-09-30T01:42:00.000-05:00

So True....

2007-09-30T01:38:00.000-05:00

Many of us unfortunately were born after our own Grandpas had passed on and never had the opportunity to enjoy moments like this. I hope this will again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet. It comes from a mentor and always on a very personal level.
My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up and for me it is a time to reminisce. We used to take long walks and drives together. He would make special trips to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him. I was young when he died. If he were living today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man. The one I remember best came from him when I was only 12.
We were sitting in a park, watching children with their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family. Then came the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice when he said, "And be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"Why should I do that, Grandpa?" I asked.
"It makes your pecker look bigger." He replied!

Duh.....

2007-09-24T03:32:00.000-05:00

Enjoy...

2007-09-22T03:43:00.000-05:00

Q. How can you tell if your baby is an Italian?
A. He will only take his pacifier if the nipple has hair on it.

An old widow and widower named Mary and Steve get married. They are up there in age, and the romance, engagement and marriage was quick. They hoped they had enough strength to live through their wedding day and night. After the marriage ceremony, they retire to a nearby hotel. Both are very nervous. Cautiously they begin to undress in front of each other. In the process, Mary, the old woman, removes her false teeth and puts them in a glass. Mary then removes her prosthetic leg and leans it against the wall. She looks up at her new groom and smiles nervously, and Steve is intently watching... Mary continues. She removes her bra which contains false inserts; she removes a glass eye and gingerly places it in a special box on the nightstand. Again she shyly smiles at her aged spouse, and Steve continues to stare in an interested manner. As Mary takes off her wig, she realizes that Steve is not making much progress in getting undressed. He's stopped undressing and is just staring at her. She asks him, "What are you waiting for?" Steve quickly replies, "You know what I want. Take it off and throw it over here!"

Q. Why are blacks afraid to sleep?
A. Because the last one who had a dream was shot.

This man walks in to a psychiatrist's office and lies down on the couch. The shrink says, "What makes you think you need the services of a psychiatrist?" The man replies that he wakes up every night in the kitchen after some pretty crazy sleepwalking. The shrink says, "So, would you like me to try to cure you of sleepwalking?" The man explains that the sleepwalking isn't really the problem. Every time he wakes up he is in the same place, doing the same thing - he has his pajamas around his ankles and his dick in a jar of peanuts. The psychiatrist says, "I think I know what your problem is. You're fucking nuts."

Q. How do fags call each other?
A. Homophones.

Two gay guys were dancing when one said to the other, "Why do you always get an erection when we dance together?" The other replied, "Because you dance like an asshole!"

Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A. I don't know and I don't care.

A girl came home from a date. Her mother had waited up for her, and when the girl walked in the door, the mother noticed she had rice in her hair. "Sally," she said, "you didn't tell me you were going to a wedding." "I didn't mom," Sally replied. "I was giving a blowjob to a Chinese guy and he threw up on me."

Q. What do you get when you mix LSD with contraception pills?
A. A trip witout the kids.

One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge. He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened. The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?" "Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe.

Q. What did the brown gerbil say to the white gerbil at the gay bar?
A. You're new here, aren't you?

When I meet God, I'm gonna ask him one question: Why did you make me so unattractive, yet so horny?

Q. Who was the secretly gay member of the A-Team?
A. Mr. T-Bag.

The young mother was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I am going to give you a prescription for some tranquillizers that I want you to start taking regularly." On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down any?" "Oh, yes" the mother answered. "They do wonders for me." "And how is your son now?" he asked. She replied, "Who gives a shit..."

Q. Why is sex with your spouse like a convenience store?
A. There's not much variety, but what else is open at three in the morning.

A carpenter was very depressed. One day, in his workshop, he took his own life by swallowing an entire can of shellac. It was a horrible end but a beautiful finish.

Q. Why are there so many one-armed men in New Jersey?
A. It's from chewing off their arm to not wake the Jersey girl who came home with them.

Word of advice for the ladies: Despite what you've heard, don't ever marry a guy just because he has big feet. He could turn out to be just some clown.

Q. How many feminists does it take to get to the center of a tootsie-pop?
A. Dunno, they're all too busy sucking my dick.

Eve's side of the story.

2007-09-10T03:45:00.000-05:00

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied.
"The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain," Reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".
"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight.
You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right.How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.
Now Let's see......where did I put the useless boob?"
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

I'm not that old...

2007-09-10T03:30:00.000-05:00

Getting old is such a drag...
When I went to lunch today, I noticed this man about 75-80 years old sitting on a bench near the food court as he was sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning. She then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies. She also makes love to me for half the afternoon."
I said, "Well, so why are you crying?"
He said, "For dinner, she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite desert. She then makes love to me until 2:00 am."
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
The old man said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!"

No Doubt

2007-09-10T03:24:00.000-05:00

Hillary's First Day as President...
Getting even with Bill!

sumbich

2007-09-01T03:49:00.000-05:00

A filthy rich Louisiana man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Luke, the redneck from Meadville, PA visiting in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Luke was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Luke in the pool!
Luke was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Luke was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Luke and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Luke strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Luke then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Luke, I reckon I owe you a million dollars,"
"Nah, that's okay. I don't want it," said Luke.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"Nah, thanks, I don't want it," answered Luke.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Luke said "Nah".
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Luke, then what do you want?"
Luke said, "I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!"

Yep...

2007-08-27T03:30:00.000-05:00

======================================================================
Wise men speak when they have something to say. Fools speak when they have to say something.
======================================================================
In the smoking-car the conversation turned to the merits and demerits of various ways of preserving health. One stout, florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject.
"Look at me!" he said. "Never a day's sickness in my life, and all due to simple food. Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of twenty to that of forty I lived an absolutely simple regular life no effeminate delicacies, no late hours, no extravagances. Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine
o'clock and up again at five in the morning. I worked from eight to one, then had dinner--a plain dinner, mark my words: after that, an hour's exercise; then.."
"Excuse me, sir," interrupted the facetious stranger in the corner,"But what were you in prison for?"
======================================================================
Why don't Polish gays like condoms?
They keep slipping off their tongue.

Yep....

2007-08-19T03:16:00.000-05:00

Sometimes these "heartwarming" stories are a bit too sappy for me but this one is truly interesting...

In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Bobby were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.

?????

2007-08-19T02:15:00.000-05:00

Ponderisms

2007-08-19T01:49:00.000-05:00

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

Thanks Judy

Yep...

2007-08-15T03:57:00.000-05:00

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks in to a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains,
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Is it Friday yet?

2007-08-15T03:51:00.000-05:00

Yep...

2007-08-15T03:43:00.000-05:00

Thanks Neenie...

Strange Hospital Chart Notations

2007-08-12T04:12:00.000-05:00

Today's Featured Humor : -) - Strange Hospital Chart Notations
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.
Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Good One....

2007-08-07T02:36:00.000-05:00

If you don't stand behind our troops, feel free to stand in front of them!

Seven kinds of sex...

2007-08-07T02:33:00.000-05:00

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the Afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you In front of everyone.
And last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

Redneck Tractor Pull...

2007-08-07T02:31:00.000-05:00

A True Test Of Your Southern-ness

2007-08-06T04:35:00.000-05:00

This test really can't be cheated on...either you know it or you don't.

Most Yankees who take the test can only muster a 2 or 3 (questions answered correctly), whereas the natives typically score around 20+.

The answers are listed after the questions; so don't cheat by looking at them.

1) How many Vienna Sausages are in a can?
2) What was the number and color of Richard Petty's cars?
3) Bill Dance is good at what?
4) What university does Bill Dance root for?
5) Where did Herschel Walker play (college) football?
6) After boiling peanuts for an hour you have what?
7) In cubic inches, how big is the smallest 1966 GM small-block V8?
8) A Cajun is likely to speak what furrin' language?
9) What is a chigger?
10) What is scrapple?
11) Where is "The Redneck Riviera"?
12) What's that fuzzy stuff hanging off the oak trees?
13) What follows logically? Johnson, Mercury, __________________.
14) What's the common name for a bowfin?
15) If you mated a heifer and a steer, what would you get?
16) Who sang "Your Cheatin' Heart"?
17) What are grits made out of?
18) Who was nicknamed "The Bear"?
19) Why is the Blue Ridge blue?
20) What did The Baldwin Sisters make?
21) Who was Andy Taylor's love interest?
22) What are the radio station call letters that carries "The Grand Ol' Opry"?
23) Where would you find Vidalia County?
24) What sport requires 3 legs and a rope?
25) What instrument did Bill Monroe play? (typically)
26) How many strings on a banjo? (two possible answers)
27) When you argue with a fool, what is he doing?
28) What is a scuppernong?
29) Do you want the goats to get into the kudzu?
30) Why do you want to eat "high on the hog"?
31) What color is a John Deere?
32) What do you call the offspring of a mule?
33) What will you harvest when you plant "shade"?

Answers:
1) 7
2) 43, red and blue
3) Fishin'
4) University of Tennessee
5) University of Georgia
6) Hard peanuts
7) 283
8) French
9) A redbug (small parasite)
10) A sausage-like loaf made out of pig parts
11) Panama City, FL
12) Spanish moss
13) Evinrude
14) Mudfish
15) Nothing. A steer has been castrated.
16) Hank Williams
17) Corn
18) Paul Bryant
19) Because of pollen
20) "The Recipe"
21) Helen
22) WSM
23) Georgia
24) Calf roping
25) Mandolin
26) 5
27) The same thing
28) A wild grape
29) Yes
30) Because that's where the better cuts of meat are. Rich folks live high on the hog.
31) Green
32) Another trick animal husbandry question. Mules are generally sterile.
33) Tobacco

40 Things Never Said By Southerners

2007-08-06T04:26:00.000-05:00

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

Quote of the Day

2007-08-06T04:21:00.000-05:00

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat. - Jim Davis (Garfield)
Some people wanted champagne and caviar when they should have had beer and hot dogs. - Dwight D. Eisenhower
ON DEEP THOUGHTS
A day without sunshine is like night.
ON HIGHER EDUCATION
College is a fountain of knowledge...and the students are there to drink.
ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
ON YOUTH
"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk."
-- Steven King, 3/8/90
ON PROBLEM SOLVING
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. -- Abraham Maslow
ON MATERIALISM
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
ON ECONOMICS
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -- English Professor, Ohio University
ON REVISIONIST HISTORY
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
ON DATING
When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.
ON LAMENTATION
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
ON POETIC LOVE
When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a Moray!
-- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers
ON MODERNISM
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
ON MATERIAL SCIENCE
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
ON EXTINCTION
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
ON HUMILITY
To err is human, to moo bovine.
ON EXPLANATION OF THE END
"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." -- Robert Firth
ON PROPHECY
The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse.
ON NUMBERS
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3---not even for very large values of 2.
ON WORLD POLITICS
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

History....

2007-07-30T04:29:00.000-05:00

July 8, 1947 witnesses claimed that an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch outside Roswell , New Mexico .
This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and the Federal Government.
However, you may NOT know that in the month of March 1948 , exactly nine months after that historic day:
Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham ;
John F. Kerry;
William Jefferson Clinton;
Howard Dean;
Nancy Pelosi;
Dianne Feinstein;
Charles E. Schumer and,
Barbara Boxer were born.
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep... This piece of information may clear up a lot of things.

Panhandling

2007-07-30T04:25:00.000-05:00

Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support"
Carlos looks at Jose's sign.
It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico"

Thanks Wild Bill...

Yep...

2007-07-30T04:12:00.000-05:00

Strange Quotes - Things You Shouldn't Do.....
"Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying the grudge, the other guy's out dancing." - Buddy Hackett
"Don't get mad. Don't get even. Just get elected, then get even." - James Carville
"Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got." - Janis Joplin
"Never attribute to malice what can adequately be explained by stupidity." - Nick Diamos
"Never believe in mirrors or newspapers." - Tom Stoppard
"Never drink black coffee at lunch; it will keep you awake all afternoon." - Jilly Cooper
"Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store." - Miss Piggy
==================================
Today's Featured Humor : -) - Strange Fascinating Facts
Fascinating Facts: Trivial Persuit
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.
Q. Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite sex.
What is it?
A. Skinny dipping.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace. This is propinquity.
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
Q. More women do this in the bathroom than men.
A. Wash their hands. Women: 80%, men: 55%.
Q. What do 100% of all lottery winners do?
A. Gain weight.
Q. In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their favorite smell.
A. Banana.
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand.
Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windscreen wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. Married men revealed that they do this twice as often as single men.
A. Change their underwear.
Q. This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous.
A. A kiss.
Q. This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
A. Honey.
Q. 40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this?
A. Have a look in your medicine cabinet.
Q. 3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this.
A. Wear underwear.
Q. What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen, and 9% carbon dioxide?
A. A fart.

Remember

2007-07-26T21:26:00.000-05:00

REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A KID AND YOUR PARENTS LINED YOU UP AGAINST A DOOR FRAME TO MARK HOW TALL YOU WERE AND DATED THE MARK? WELL THIS CARTOON BRINGS A WHOLE NEW PERSPECTIVE TO THAT EXERCISE :-)

LAUGHTER WILL KEEP YOU YOUNG AT HEART

Thanks Judy...

12 Valid Reasons Not To Come In To Work

2007-07-23T05:11:00.000-05:00

1. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
3. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
4. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
5. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work.
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet....
7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Tom Thumb.
8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

Advancements in Military

2007-07-23T05:01:00.000-05:00

Don't muss with us....

Thanks Goose

Yep...

2007-07-23T04:07:00.000-05:00

Only women will be able to relate to this..... But this is what takes us so long in the bathroom:
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail .
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.
Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!
This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!

Top Ten List...

2007-07-17T02:36:00.000-05:00

Top Ten Blonde Inventions
10...The water-proof towel
9...Solar powered flashlight
8...Submarine screen door
7...A book on how to read
6...Inflatable dart board
5...A dictionary index
4...Ejector seat in a helicopter.
5...Powdered water
2...Pedal-powered wheel chair
1...Water-proof tea bag

Top Ten Funniest Email Adresses
10...Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu
9...Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu
8...George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) -blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
7...Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) -dickinme@iup.edu
6...Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) -kissinfk@lvu.edu
5...Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home decorating)- beeranbj@myplace.com
4...Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu
3...Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) -ibballin@bsu.edu
2...Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division,Overton Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com
1...Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.co

Top Ten Children's books never published
10...You Were An Accident.
9...Strangers Have The Best Candy.
8...Attention Deficit Disorder Handbook For Children..Hey Lets Go Play!
7...What Is That Dog Doing To That Other Dog?
6...Daddy's New Girlfriend, Steve.
5...101 Animal Cruelties.
4...Controlling Your Playground Through Fear.
3...Things Rich Kids Have And You Never Will.
2...Garfields Got Feline AIDS.
1...Blackmail The Principal...The Study Guide.

Top Ten shortest books
10.... DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
9.... DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8.... EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7.... EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6.... ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
5.... MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4.... SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club
3.... THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2.... MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
1....MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton

Top Ten Funniest Newspaper Headlines
1.... "Overeating main cause of obesity"
2.... "Dog kills cat, self"
3.... "Two ships collide. One dead"
4.... "Found -- the gene that causes belief in genetic determinism"
5.... "A congressionally-funded study has determined that many smokers are ignoring the warning labels on cigarette packages."
6.... "Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted"
7.... "Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents"
8.... "Eye Drops Off Shelf"
9.... "Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax"
10.... "Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"

Top Ten things A Man Would Never Say
10..... I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
9..... While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8..... I think hairy butts are realy sexy.
7..... Her tits are just too big.
6..... Sometimes I just want to be held.
5..... That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
4..... Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
3..... We haven't been to the mall in ages. Let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
2....Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1..... I think we're lost. We'd better pull over and ask for directions.

Top Ten things A Woman Would Never Say
10..... Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9..... Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way.
8..... I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7..... Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6..... Please don't throw that old T-shirt away. The holes in the armpit are just too cute!
5..... This diamond is way too big!
4..... I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow!
3..... Wow, it really is 14 inches!!
2..... Does this make my butt look too small?
1..... I'm wrong. You must be right again.

Curly's Joke Of The Day

2007-07-17T02:35:00.000-05:00

To prepare for his big date with a blonde hottie, the young man wentup to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself.
Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, the youngman fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade."
This young man was determined not to miss this date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a homecooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again.
He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured himself a tall, cool, glass of milk.
He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced an immediate relief of his pain.
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his Johnson immersed in the glass of milk.
Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"

Coolest Headstone

2007-07-15T04:10:00.000-05:00

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in The Logan City Cemetery,Logan ,Utah.
I wonder if he died knowing he won the "Coolest Headstone" contest?

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

Been There...

2007-07-15T03:57:00.000-05:00

6 Levels Of Hangovers
*One Star Hangover*
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap, which has given you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomb and a side of gravy fries.
*Two Star Hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
*Three Star Hangover*
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball hero watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke, yet you haven't peed once.
*Four Star Hangover
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Grover Cleveland HS, class of '84.
*Five Star Hangover
*AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell."
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the shit fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your otherwise empty house.
*Six Star Hangover*
Otherwise known as the "Infinite Nut smacker"
You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your vomit from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow managed to get up before you. You try to lift your head. Not an option. Then you inadvertently turn your head too quickly and smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair. Suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights... some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp "Ready to Rock" faintly atop your forehead... the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your "hello kitty" pajamas and your slippers.

Consider These 3 Thoughts

2007-07-15T02:38:00.000-05:00

(1) Zero Gravity
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them.
(2) Our Constitution
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, and it's worked for over 200 years. And, we're not using it anymore.
(3) Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Thanks Wild Bill

StrangeCosmos.com

2007-07-09T02:32:00.000-05:00

Strange "Money" Quotes:
"Early to bed and early to rise -- till you get enough money to do otherwise." - Peter's Almanac
"God is on everyone's side … and in the last analysis, he is on the side with plenty of money and large armies. - Jean Anouilh (1910-87), French playwright
University President: "Why is it that you physicists always require so much expensive equipment? Now the Department of Mathematics requires nothing but money for paper, pencils, and erasers...and the Department of Philosophy is better still. It doesn't even ask for erasers."- Isaac Asimov (1920-92), Russian-born American scientist, writer
"The only reason to have money is to tell any SOB in the world to go to hell." - Humphrey Bogart, American actor
"The surest way to get rid of a bore is to lend money to him." - Paul Louis Courier
"Christmas is the season when people run out of money before they run out of friends." - Larry Wilde
==================================
Today's Featured Humor : -) - Combat for Dummies
Combat for Dummies
Advice and instructions taken from actual military sources. Some of these guys must have had a sense of humor
"Aim towards the enemy."
--Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
--U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
--USAF Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
--Infantry Journal
"A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
--Army's magazine of prevention maintenance
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
--U.S. Air Force manual
"Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo."
--Infantry Journal
"Tracers work both ways."
--U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
--Infantry Journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
--David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
--Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
--Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper....once."
--Anon
"Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do."
--Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
--Infantry Journal
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
--USAF Ammo Troop
Submitted by Lt Schmidt

FINALLY, THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

2007-07-09T02:27:00.000-05:00

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
Thought for the day:
What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
Answer: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose...

Thanks Neenie

Sleepy Sailor

2007-07-09T02:25:00.000-05:00

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant -- an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight beautiful,'...And he sat up all night watching me."

Thanks Wild Bill

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor

2007-07-09T02:21:00.000-05:00

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Thanks Wild Bill

Jesse Jackson

2007-07-03T02:12:00.000-05:00

Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.
In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.
The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.
After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Jesse, and told him to drink it all.
Jesse drank the concoction and replied, "God, that tasted like bull shit!"
The doctor replied, "It was, Jesse. You were a quart low."

Good One....

2007-07-03T02:09:00.000-05:00

A little old Lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crissssssssco!"
Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Mamm, the Crisco is in aisle 3."
The old Lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my Husband. He's in here somewhere"
The clerk is astonished. "Your Husband's name is Crisco?"
The old Lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public."
"Oh, I see," said the clerk "What do you call him at home?"
"Lard ass."

Not Happy...

2007-07-03T02:08:00.000-05:00

This morning, I was in a huge hurry and on my way to work. I was preoccupied with what my day held and I rear-ended a car at a stop > light because I was not really paying attention.
"Great, just great", I muttered.
The driver opened his door........leaned out of his car and stared at me. He was a dwarf. He got out, studied the damage on his bumper, and walked towards me as I rolled down my window.
He said, "I am not happy"...
To which I replied, "Well.... which one are you then?"

Not PC here...

2007-07-02T03:40:00.000-05:00

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "yes, I can put you right."
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells,
"You swine, you gave me a woman's ears." "Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's." "You're wrong,
I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!
======================================================================
Why do blondes get confused in the bathroom?
They have to pull their own pants down.
What do you call a blonde with a map, compass, and set of directions?
Lost.

The Sex Fairy

2007-07-02T03:35:00.000-05:00

Works for me...
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7 . Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

Thanks Neenie...

Californians

2007-06-24T02:51:00.000-05:00

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, it's your turn..
You know you're from California if:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember . . Is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . .. . Is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . .. .is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
15 You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.
19. The Terminator is your Governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

Thanks Bill...

Car panties...

2007-06-24T02:38:00.000-05:00

Curly's Classic Joke Of The Day!

2007-06-24T02:18:00.000-05:00

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Blonde Moments!

2007-06-24T02:14:00.000-05:00

A lawyer and a blonde happen to be sitting next to each other on a long cross-country flight. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.
Now this blonde happens to be highly intelligent, but she is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains how the game works.
"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."
Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: "Okay, how about this: if you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes back down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the internet and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his colleagues and friends, trying to get some help.
All to no avail.
After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, is going nuts trying to figure it out.
He wakes the blonde again and asks: "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes back down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Colonoscopy

2007-06-11T03:40:00.000-05:00

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and theblood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge

Thanks Neenie...

ADIOS AMIGOS

2007-06-11T03:30:00.000-05:00

Do you remember when Puerto Rico was raising heck about the US Navy using that nothing little island just off the coast of Puerto Rico for bombing practices, which they had used for the past 75 years?
Demonstrations were held, Hollywood left wingers, Al Sharpton, and his fellow demagogues went down there to demonstrate to get the Navy out?
I am sure it infuriated you just as it did me at the time. Well, here is our revenge.
Always be careful what you ask for, you just may get it!
One of the many headaches that the U. S. has had was the Puerto Rican Island of Vieques. In the waning years of the Clinton Administration protesters demanded that the US Navy abandon bombing and naval gunfire exercises that had taken place on the largely uninhabited island for nearly seventy years.
Liberal icons bumped into one another to fly to Puerto Rico, boat over to the island, trespass (but never on a day that there was an exercise scheduled) and get arrested for the benefit of the New York Times or Newsweek. They included the Reverend Al Sharpton, Reverend Jesse Jackson, Joan Baez, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., Edward Olmos, Michael Moore and Ramsey Clark, just to name a few.
In 2002, the bombing exercises were transferred to an Air Force bombing range in central Florida, not far from the Jacksonville and Pensacola Naval Air Stations. In January, many of the protesters were back in Puerto Rico, celebrating the final bombing exercise on Vieques and waved Puerto Rican flags and placards that read, "U. S. Navy, get out of Puerto Rico."
The following February, Rumsfeld announced that the U. S. Navy will close the Roosevelt Roads Naval Air Station in Puerto Rico in 2004, eliminating 1200 civilian jobs as well as 700 military positions. This naval facility is estimated to have put nearly $300 million annually into the local economy.
The next day a stunned Governor Sila Calderon, held a news conference in San Juan, protesting the base closure as a serious blow to the Commonwealth's fragile economy. The governor stated that "The people of Puerto Rico don't now or never did have an interest in closing the Vieques bombing range or the Roosevelt Roads naval base. We are interested in both staying in Puerto Rico "
When asked, the Commander-in Chief, Western Atlantic Command, said, "Without Vieques, I see no further need for the facility at Roosevelt Roads. None."
So, Yankee go home? Fine. But we'll take our dollars with us. Hasta la vista, baby!
On February 21, the Secretary of Defense also announced that starting this year, the U. S. European Command would begin moving most, if not all, of its active combat and support units from bases in Germany to others being established in Poland, The Czech Republic, Hungary and Turkey to "better position them for rapid deployment to likely ot spots in those parts of the world."
Immediately the business and government leaders in the German states of Hesse, Rhineland and Wurttemburg, protested the loss of nearly $6 billion US revenue each year from the bases and manpower to be displaced. A spokesman for the Foreign Ministry speculated that the move may be "what the Americans call 'payback' for the actions of this government in opposing Military action in Iraq ".
Does anyone know the German translation for, "Hasta la vista, baby?" I think, "Aufwiedersehen, linesmen" is a good translation.
Oh, isn't it nice to see a government with guts and a good memory.
Also, here are some statistics and conclusions about a different subject. If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,112 deaths,(when this was written) that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.
The firearm death rate in Washington D. C. is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period.
That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the U. S. Capitol, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation, than you are in Iraq.
Conclusion: The U. S. should pull out of Washington

Talk about getting goosed!

2007-06-11T03:09:00.000-05:00

"Meeting a goose" at 185 knots can ruin your day. Although the pilot was injured, he was able to 'fly the airplane' and land the Baron safely.

Oh yea...

2007-06-09T03:28:00.000-05:00

Where do I buy this??? My lady would like to know...

Energy Drink 'Boost Plus' Blamed For Endless Erection, Man Sues
By Mitch Marconi
Jun 6, 2007
Erection in a bottle? A man from New York City has reportedly sued the maker of the energy drink Boost Plus, claiming that the vitamin-enriched beverage gave him an erection that would not abate and forced him to seek hospital treatment, according to reports.
The lawsuit was filed by Christopher Woods, of Manhattan. The AP is reporting that he bought the health beverage, which is made by the Swiss-based Novartis pharmaceutical company, at a drugstore on June 5, 2004.
According to the Boost Plus website, the drink is described as "a great tasting, high-calorie, nutritionally complete oral supplement for people who require extra energy and protein in a limited volume." It is available in vanilla, chocolate and strawberry.
According to court papers, Woods' said that he woke up the next morning "with an erection that would not subside" and sought treatment for the condition, which is called priapism.
Woods, 29, had surgery that day for implantation of a Winter shunt, which moves blood from one area to another, reports the AP.
Woods' lawsuit seeks unspecified damages and names Novartis Consumer Health Inc. as a defendant.

The Flight Crew

2007-06-08T03:36:00.000-05:00

The airliner pushed back from the gate; the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc .
Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."
Ed, sitting in the eighth row, thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"
When the attendant came by with the drink cart, he said
"Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing sir," said the attendant,
"We No Longer Call It The Cock Pit."
"It's The Box Office."

Thanks Neenie...

Urinals Too High

2007-06-08T03:31:00.000-05:00

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her the commode lid is taped and says out of order, and that none of them can reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, told the boys to open their pants, and she began hoisting the boys up, one by one, and telling each one to hold onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes and to aim it into the urinal .
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade." HE REPLIED: "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today.

Rules for the phone.*

2007-06-07T01:36:00.000-05:00

How ALL business phones SHOULD be answered!
GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA .
Press "1" for English.**
Press "2" to disconnect until you learn to speak English
And remember only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you,
Jesus Christ*
and the _American_ Soldier.**
One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.

Let's Talk

2007-06-07T01:30:00.000-05:00

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Thanks Bill...

Yep...

2007-06-04T02:51:00.000-05:00

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth,looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day ! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster.... everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure ! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear, what was it like being six again ? ?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
I meant dress size!
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

Thanks Bro...

Husbands & Wives Chuckles

2007-06-03T04:04:00.000-05:00

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes and no."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."

Thanks Neenie...

I've given up beer

2007-06-01T04:07:00.000-05:00

Late Memorial Day...

2007-06-01T03:46:00.000-05:00

Quote of the Day

2007-06-01T03:34:00.000-05:00

"I don't mind coming to work, But that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch."

The World's Shortest Books:

2007-05-29T03:08:00.000-05:00

FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac
______________________________________
Famous Asian Race Car Drivers By Sum Ting Wong
______________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore
________________________________________
MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
_________________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
_________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill Clinton
___________________________________
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden
___________________________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates
__________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
__________________________________
THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE by Al Gore & John Kerry
_______________________________________
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
___________________________________
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J Kevorkian
______________________________
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes and Rosie O'Donnel
____________________________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson
_________________________________
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
____________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O.J. Simpson
_________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES by Ted Kennedy
___________________________________
MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

Thanks Neenie

Drunks

2007-05-29T03:00:00.000-05:00

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself. "Oh, no...Now my wife will kill me!"
Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill." So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says, Now-waina-minit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many! and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."

"Oh, yeah.. I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

Thanks Neenie

Hay

2007-05-27T03:27:00.000-05:00

Know the joke have been kind of hit and miss lately guess what?
I'm Engaged!!!!!!!
ya that's right.
Will post more when I can.

Rules For Entering Texas

2007-05-23T02:47:00.000-05:00

Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
It's called a 'gravel road'. I drive a pickup truck because I need to.
No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
They are pigs, cattle, and oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.
So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have 3 quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive three weeks a year.
So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
Trucks are made to get dirty. Don't bring your Eddie Bauer Limited Edition to my
hunting camp and expect to leave clean on Sunday. It won'thappen.
We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, well if that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in,we Will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
Go ahead and bring your $800 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle.
We have a name for that little 13-inch trout you fish for---bait.
Yeah, we eat catfish, carp, and crawdads. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you jack-slapped, by our women.
Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to.
Our women are some of the best looking in the country.We open doors for women. That
applies to everyone regardless of age.
No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
When we fill out a table there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables,and breads. We use three spices- salt, pepper, and Tabasco Sauce.
You bring "Coke" into my house it better be brown, wet, served over ice, and plenty of it.
You bring "Mary Jane" to my house she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar, some lemon, and a long spoon.
That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid for that shot in the airport at New York, Boston, Chicago, or L.A.
High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards - it spooks the fish.
Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come out of there with an educationand a love for God
and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the
holidays.
We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so, "Don't Mess
With Texas". If you do it will get your butt kicked bythe best!
Our Military is only used as a back up. Per capita, each man, woman, and child owns at least two firearms and has taken a NRA Certified Shooter Education Course.
Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston once said, "Texas can make it without the
United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas.

My mouse stopped working....

2007-05-22T04:28:00.000-05:00

Thanks Neenie....

Yep....

2007-05-22T04:13:00.000-05:00

A young farm lad from North Iowa goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at Iowa State that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.......)

Thanks Bro....

Nuff Said

2007-05-21T03:16:00.000-05:00

Thanks Neenie...

Balloon Art

2007-05-21T02:32:00.000-05:00

Thanks Neenie...

What about both...

2007-05-21T01:13:00.001-05:00

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley; and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies. Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit; and soon he, too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing, and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
(Yep, you bet there IS a moral!)
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

Thanks Neenie...

Yes...

2007-05-20T03:33:00.000-05:00

Can you read this?
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be
in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.

Thanks Neenie....

Sex toy for Dogs....

2007-05-20T03:09:00.000-05:00

Thanks Neenie...

And my family is German and British...

2007-05-20T03:02:00.000-05:00

Thanks Neenie...

Cat in the Hat on Aging

2007-05-18T02:34:00.000-05:00

Thanks Neenie...

Sometimes a man can't do a thing to please his wife.

2007-05-18T02:28:00.000-05:00

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite !!!!!"

Thanks Neenie...

Garfield on the oil crisis

2007-05-15T03:12:00.000-05:00

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
Well, there's a very simple answer.Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in
ALASKA
California
Coastal Florida
Coastal Louisiana
Kansas
Oklahoma
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, DC!!!
Any Questions???
NO? Didn't think So.

Thanks Neenie...

Mothers Day, Late....

2007-05-15T02:54:00.000-05:00

The Ellen Show was on and she read this submission to a contest from a viewer:
So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.
Well, we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick.
LOVES IT. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.
Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.
We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped.
And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.
And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.
And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.

Thanks Neenie...

The Blonde and the Deodorant

2007-05-15T02:47:00.000-05:00

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don''t have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."

Thanks Bill...

Amazing Home Remedies

2007-05-14T03:00:00.000-05:00

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be too afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
8. Chapped lips? Rub chicken poop on them. It won't ease the chapping, but it will keep you from licking them.
9. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are. You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
And finally.....Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
One out of every four people suffer from a mental disorder. If you have three friends, and none of them have a problem well.... you do the math!

Thanks Neenie

P.S. I like #3....

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

2007-05-14T02:46:00.000-05:00

1. Sag, you're it.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Thoughts for the weekend
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
But Most Of All Remember
A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To your heart.

Thanks Neenie

GETTING OLDER!!!

2007-05-13T03:45:00.000-05:00

Thanks Neenie...

Yep...

2007-05-09T03:18:00.000-05:00

That ain't no Shit...

2007-05-09T02:57:00.000-05:00

This isn't far from the truth!___________________________________________________
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C..
One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some Measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!
How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.

Thanks Mom

Oh yea....

2007-05-09T02:36:00.000-05:00

So ya think ya can out drink me....

Thanks Neenie, we know....

Only need two....

2007-05-09T02:10:00.000-05:00

Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works?
Well....it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:
Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.
A man has only 2 balls and they take up all his thoughts.

Thanks Neenie

Securing a Building

2007-05-04T02:12:00.000-05:00

One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

Something to Offend Everyone

2007-05-01T23:36:00.000-05:00

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? *
*Juan on Juan*
What is a Yankee?*
*The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. *
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ? *
*The position of the dirt bag *
Why is divorce so expensive? *
*Because it's worth it. *
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? *
*Doughnuts*
Why is air a lot like sex? *
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. *
What do you call a smart blonde? *
*A golden retriever.*
What do attorneys use for birth control? *
*Their personalities.*
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? *
*10 years and 45 lbs*
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? *
*45 minutes*
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? *
*Through his chest with a sharp knife. *
Why do men want to marry virgins? *
*They can't stand criticism *
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? *Because those men already have boyfriends. *
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? *
*After a year, the dog is still excited to see you *
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? *
*The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. *
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? *
*Because they have cotton balls. *
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? *
*A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. *
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? *
"Are you sure it's mine?" *
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? *
*Mace will do that to you. *
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ? *
*Everyone has the same DNA. *
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? *
*Breasts don't have eyes. *
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? *
*Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. *
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? *
*A different bar.*
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby? *
*They named him "Sum Ting Wong". *
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? *
*A speech impediment.*
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? *
*They're hiring.*
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? *
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe". *
*How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? *
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! *
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? *
*A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins *
*"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.... *
Why is there no Disneyland in China ? *
*No one's tall enough to go on the good rides *

Dear Abby,

2007-05-01T23:33:00.000-05:00

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont , Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my sisters, who lives in Pflugerville, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas
I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time "working girl".
All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hilary Clinton for President?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

Cell Phone Rudness

2007-05-01T03:12:00.000-05:00

Some of you know that one of my pet peeves is the almost constant use of cell phones by people while driving or shopping , dining , in line at the store etc. Does no one know how to say (I'll call you right back)? Well, it has gone beyond that now with them using them at the beach. This is beyond being inconsiderate, in my opinion.
While I was there recently, I had to just sit there and listen to this woman for two full hours while she talked on her cell phone and pranced back forth in front of me. I couldn't concentrate on my book.

How rude can she be?

If you know her, please tell herbe considerate of others!

VERY VERY IRRITATING ! ! ! !
This simply must stop!

In case you were wondering what a "nappy headed ho" looks like.

2007-05-01T02:52:00.000-05:00

Thanks Mom...

Deep Thoughts from SuperModels

2007-05-01T02:06:00.000-05:00

1. ON COURAGE "They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind."
-- Cindy Crawford
2. ON SELF-KNOWLEDGE "Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I learned I am not my cleavage."
-- Carole Mallory
3. ON POVERTY "Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery."
-- Beverly Johnson
4. ON FATE "I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that."
-- Christie Brinkley
5. ON PSYCHOLOGY "I loved making 'Rising Sun'. I got into the psychology of why she liked to get strangled and tied up in plastic bags. It has to do with low self-worth."
-- Tatjana Patitz
6. ON ARRIVING "Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take."
-- Kathy Ireland, star of 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island'
7. ON CAREER CHOICES "My boyfriend thinks I lost my true calling to be a librarian."
-- Paulina Porizkova
8. ON PRIORITIES "I would rather exercise than read a newspaper."
-- Kim Alexis
9. ON GEOPOLITICS "Mick Jagger and I just really liked each other a lot. We talked all night. We had the same views on nuclear disarmament."
-- Jerry Hall
10. ON INNER STRENGTH "I love the confidence that makeup gives me."
-- Tyra Banks
11. ON DEATH "Richard doesn't really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes I can't help it."
-- Cindy Crawford
12. ON TRAVEL "I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen anything. I don't really care."
-- Tyra Banks
13. ON BREAKTHROUGHS "Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling."
-- Gabrielle Reece
14. ON EPIPHANY "I just found out that I'm one inch taller than I thought."
-- Christie Brinkley
15. ON HEREDITY "My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, 'What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'"
-- Beverly Johnson
16. ON THE BASICS "It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout."
-- Cheryl Tiegs
17. ON INTRODUCTIONS "I think most people are curious about what it would be like to be able to meet yourself -- it's eerie."
-- Christy Turlington
18. ON COURTSHIP "The soundtrack to 'Indecent Exposure' is a romantic mix of music that I know most women love to hear, so I never keep it far from me when women are nearby."
-- Fabio
19. ON PARADOX "Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone."
-- Tatjana Patitz

I want a wabbit

2007-04-29T06:19:00.000-05:00

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,
Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's soon her level and asks, do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
I don't think my python weally gives a thit.

Hay

2007-04-26T00:59:00.000-05:00

Thanks for all of your support. It went great. Can see out of both eyes now and my 'nurse' has taken great care of me....

My Houseboat, with sundeck....

2007-04-26T00:54:00.000-05:00

Hay

2007-04-24T03:00:00.000-05:00

Getting other eye fixed today. Posting might be light for a few days while my 'nurse' takes care of me...

Good One....

2007-04-23T04:22:00.000-05:00

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a part ial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vital signs from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank You very much. That was wonderful, really felt great; but, listen very, very closely......
"Are - my - test - results - back?"

Thanks Dan

Someone has finally made an orthopedic bed just for MEN

2007-04-20T03:57:00.000-05:00

Available only at "Butts, Boobs and Beyond"

Thanks Neenie...

How to Become an illegal

2007-04-20T03:05:00.000-05:00

[Everything ya read after this was the email I got.]
I don't care if this letter is real or not...it just cracked me up, and my sentiments exactly. Particularly the part about college tuition!!!
How to Become an illegal - more truth than humor
Every one of us had ancestors who were immigrants unless we are an American Indian. I am for immigration. However, it must be legal immigration not illegal. The following letter from an Iowan to his Senator is a classic. I tried to find information on snopes.com and truth-or-fiction.com but there was none available. So the authenticity of the letter is still a question mark.
Becoming Illegal (Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator)
The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC, 20510
Dear Senator Harkin,
As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have Contacted The Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.
My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by The Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.
Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had To pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.
Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local Emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.
Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my Daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.
Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the Burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.
If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become Illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative.
Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,
Mr. All American, Sr.
Burlington, IA

Thanks Neenie

How to spot an Okie who has had a DUI...

2007-04-20T01:23:00.000-05:00

Thanks Mom

Hujonwi's Place

Found at EHOWA.COM

Yep...

Couldn't help it...

So True....

Duh.....

Enjoy...

Eve's side of the story.

I'm not that old...

No Doubt

sumbich

Yep...

Yep....

?????

Ponderisms

Yep...

Is it Friday yet?

Yep...

Strange Hospital Chart Notations

Good One....

Seven kinds of sex...

Redneck Tractor Pull...

A True Test Of Your Southern-ness

40 Things Never Said By Southerners

Quote of the Day

History....

Panhandling

Yep...

Remember

12 Valid Reasons Not To Come In To Work

Advancements in Military

Yep...

Top Ten List...

Curly's Joke Of The Day

Coolest Headstone

Been There...

Consider These 3 Thoughts

StrangeCosmos.com

FINALLY, THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

Sleepy Sailor

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor

Jesse Jackson

Good One....

Not Happy...

Not PC here...

The Sex Fairy

Californians

Car panties...

Curly's Classic Joke Of The Day!

Blonde Moments!

Colonoscopy

ADIOS AMIGOS

Talk about getting goosed!

Oh yea...

The Flight Crew

Urinals Too High

**Rules for the phone.***

Let's Talk

Yep...

Husbands & Wives Chuckles

I've given up beer

Late Memorial Day...

Quote of the Day

The World's Shortest Books:

Drunks

Hay

Rules For Entering Texas

My mouse stopped working....

Yep....

Nuff Said

Balloon Art

What about both...

Yes...

Sex toy for Dogs....

And my family is German and British...

Cat in the Hat on Aging

Sometimes a man can't do a thing to please his wife.

Garfield on the oil crisis

Mothers Day, Late....

The Blonde and the Deodorant

Rules for the phone.*