Q. How can you tell if your baby is an Italian?
A. He will only take his pacifier if the nipple has hair on it.
An old widow and widower named Mary and Steve get married. They are up there in age, and the romance, engagement and marriage was quick. They hoped they had enough strength to live through their wedding day and night. After the marriage ceremony, they retire to a nearby hotel. Both are very nervous. Cautiously they begin to undress in front of each other. In the process, Mary, the old woman, removes her false teeth and puts them in a glass. Mary then removes her prosthetic leg and leans it against the wall. She looks up at her new groom and smiles nervously, and Steve is intently watching... Mary continues. She removes her bra which contains false inserts; she removes a glass eye and gingerly places it in a special box on the nightstand. Again she shyly smiles at her aged spouse, and Steve continues to stare in an interested manner. As Mary takes off her wig, she realizes that Steve is not making much progress in getting undressed. He's stopped undressing and is just staring at her. She asks him, "What are you waiting for?" Steve quickly replies, "You know what I want. Take it off and throw it over here!"
Q. Why are blacks afraid to sleep?
A. Because the last one who had a dream was shot.
This man walks in to a psychiatrist's office and lies down on the couch. The shrink says, "What makes you think you need the services of a psychiatrist?" The man replies that he wakes up every night in the kitchen after some pretty crazy sleepwalking. The shrink says, "So, would you like me to try to cure you of sleepwalking?" The man explains that the sleepwalking isn't really the problem. Every time he wakes up he is in the same place, doing the same thing - he has his pajamas around his ankles and his dick in a jar of peanuts. The psychiatrist says, "I think I know what your problem is. You're fucking nuts."
Q. How do fags call each other?
Two gay guys were dancing when one said to the other, "Why do you always get an erection when we dance together?" The other replied, "Because you dance like an asshole!"
Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A. I don't know and I don't care.
A girl came home from a date. Her mother had waited up for her, and when the girl walked in the door, the mother noticed she had rice in her hair. "Sally," she said, "you didn't tell me you were going to a wedding." "I didn't mom," Sally replied. "I was giving a blowjob to a Chinese guy and he threw up on me."
Q. What do you get when you mix LSD with contraception pills?
A. A trip witout the kids.
One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge. He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened. The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?" "Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe.
Q. What did the brown gerbil say to the white gerbil at the gay bar?
A. You're new here, aren't you?
When I meet God, I'm gonna ask him one question: Why did you make me so unattractive, yet so horny?
Q. Who was the secretly gay member of the A-Team?
A. Mr. T-Bag.
The young mother was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I am going to give you a prescription for some tranquillizers that I want you to start taking regularly." On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down any?" "Oh, yes" the mother answered. "They do wonders for me." "And how is your son now?" he asked. She replied, "Who gives a shit..."
Q. Why is sex with your spouse like a convenience store?
A. There's not much variety, but what else is open at three in the morning.
A carpenter was very depressed. One day, in his workshop, he took his own life by swallowing an entire can of shellac. It was a horrible end but a beautiful finish.
Q. Why are there so many one-armed men in New Jersey?
A. It's from chewing off their arm to not wake the Jersey girl who came home with them.
Word of advice for the ladies: Despite what you've heard, don't ever marry a guy just because he has big feet. He could turn out to be just some clown.
Q. How many feminists does it take to get to the center of a tootsie-pop?
A. Dunno, they're all too busy sucking my dick.