Not PC here...

The mayor of Houston Texas was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Houston. The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Houston was full of pigeon poop. The people of Houston couldn't walk on the sidewalks or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to try to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.
One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. "I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me five million dollars and ask one question." The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.
The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a red pigeon. The red pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Texas sky. All the pigeons in Houston saw the red pigeon. They gathered up behind the red pigeon. The Houston pigeons followed the red pigeon as she flew eastward out of the city.
The next day the red pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and the red pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Houston of the plague of pigeons.
Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 5 million just to get to ask ONE question.
The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question.
The mayor asked: "Do you have any red Mexicans?"

Terrorist Bastards.....

The b@$t@rd terrorists have sunk to a new low. Roadside bombs, suicide bombers, bombs strapped to babies, but this..................it's just friggin wrong.

Check your drivers license...

This is upsetting, I thought I should pass it along.
Check your drivers license... Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet, including your own!
I just searched for mine and there it was...picture and all!
Thanks Homeland Security! Privacy, where is our right to it? I definitely removed mine, I suggest you all do the same.....
Go to the website and check it out. Just enter your name, City and State. After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked "Please Remove".
This will remove it from public viewing, but not from law enforcement.
Go Here

Sure hope so...

Men's Answer to Maxine

Funnies...

GREAT IDEA!!!!!!!!

As a member of the silent majority !!!! I approve this CHRISTMAS GREETING IDEA for sending to this upstanding organization ... the defender of OUR freedom..... of OUR rights........, of the OUR 10 commandments ....etc..... for all Americans...... !
Yes, Christmas cards. This is coming early (really early) so that you can get ready to include an important address to your list. Read on........
Fun with the ACLU......
Wanna have some fun this CHRISTMAS? Send the ACLU a CHRISTMAS CARD this year.
As they are working so very hard to get rid of the CHRISTMAS part of this holiday, we should all send them a nice, CHRISTIAN, card to brighten up their dark, sad, little world.
Make sure it says "Merry Christmas" on it
Here's the Address, just don't be rude or crude. (It's Not the Christian Way, you know!)
ACLU
125 Broad Street
18th Floor
New York, NY 10004
Two tons of Christmas cards would freeze their operations because they wouldn't know if any were regular mail containing contributions. So spend 39 cents and tell the ACLU to leave Christmas alone. Also tell them that there is no such thing as a "Holiday Tree". . . . It's a Christmas Tree even in the fields!!
And pass this on to your email lists. We really want to communicate with the ACLU! They really DESERVE us!! AND put this address with your Christmas Card List NOW...

The Kiss

He had just saved her from a fire in her house, rescuing her by carrying her out of the house into her front yard, while he continued to fight the fire.
She is pregnant.
The firefighter was afraid of her at first, because he had never been around a Doberman before.
When he finally got done putting the fire out, he sat down to catch his breath and rest.
A photographer from the Charlotte, North Carolina newspaper, "The Observer," noticed this red Doberman in the distance looking at the fireman.
He saw her walking straight toward the fireman and wondered what she was going to do.
As he raised his camera, she came up to the tired man who had saved her life and the lives of her babies, and kissed him, just as the photographer snapped this photograph.

And people say animals are dumb . . .

One of my childhood pics...

Ouch....

"Doctor, Don't Laugh!" A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem you see, only you've got to promise not to laugh". The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh! That would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over twenty years of being a doctor I've never laughed at a patient."
"OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers.The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life.Despite his best efforts, he begins laughing, softly at first, then uncontrollably.
Several minutes later he manages to compose himself and wipes the tears from his eyes.
"I'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me, I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem? The man looks up at the doctor with sad eyes and says, "It's swollen."

Pay attention...

Sidney has a problem with premature ejaculation, so he pays a visit to a sex shop for a remedy.
The clerk hands him a little purple can and says, "This is Stay-Hard spray... put on a little and you can go all night!"
Excited, Sidney takes it home, stashes it in the cellar on a shelf, and waits eagerly for bedtime.
Later that night, he sprays some on his member and then goes upstairs to his wife. To his utter disappointment, however, the remedy seems to make him orgasm quicker than ever.
The next day, Sidney returns to the sex shop, angrily slammed the can down on the counter, and snaps, "This stuff makes me worse than before!"
Upon reading the label, the clerk asks, "I don't suppose your hid this stuff on your basement shelf, did you?"
"Yeah, so?"
"You must have grabbed the wrong can, sir... this is Easy-Off."

Little Johnny

Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.
"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.
"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"
"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"

My thoughts exactly....

A new study by the American Heart Association found that as little as a single glass of wine or beer per week can significantly reduce a man's risk of a stroke.
And 10 or 12 a night keeps you from caring even if you DO have a stroke

Made me smile...

Little Johnny...

Little Johnny sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S".
Little Johnny thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys."
Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."
Again Little Johnny thinks a second and says, "No,I have all kinds of candy."
"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks. Little Johnny replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"

Yep...

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus, the clowns don't talk.

Korney...

Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker?
He got a bird that not only delivers messages, but knocks on the door when it gets there.

THE PLAN

In the beginning was The Plan.
And then came The Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was on the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It's a crock of shit, and it stinks".
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It's a pail of crap, and we cannot live with the smell".
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none can even stand it".
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a container of fertiliser, and none may abide by it's strength".
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong".
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and is very powerful".
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company with very powerful effects".
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And this is how shit happens.

Solutions

My mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not; to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc.
Since I have become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc., I have elected to solve the problems as they affect me. It solves both my gas and illegal immigrant problems.
I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful and cheaper than buying gas. Then I pay them in Pesos so they have to go home to spend it.

The Blonde Cookbook

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.

Did ya know I use to deliver newspapers...

Little Johnny is delivering newspapers.
He knocks on a door, a lady answers, and he says, "Collect... that'll be five dollars."
She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but if you want, I'll give you sex instead." Johnny says, "All right."
He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there's the biggest dick she's ever seen...
Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his dick.
She says, "You don't have to do that...I can take all of it."
He says, "Not for five bucks you can't."

Yep....

An elderly couple was sitting together watching television. During a commercial, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence and during the next commercial, the wife replied,
"You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."

That's one way to do it...

A man was celebrating his 80th birthday and his 50th wedding anniversary. A reported asked, "Sir, how do you account for looking so fit?"
"Well," the old-timer told him, "when we got married, my wife and I made an agreement that any time we saw an argument coming on, I would grab my hat and walk three times around the block. You'd be surprised what 50 years of outdoor exercise will do for your
health!"

TEXAS MIDGET

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the Midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doc, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
>>> The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.

Quote of the Day

Make yourself an honest man, and then you may be sure that there is one less scoundrel in the world.
- -- Thomas Carlyle

Ya didn't know I was a grandpa....

Little Johnny was lost at a large shopping mall
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women with big tits".

Yep...

Two drunks were in a tavern sitting at the bar and staring into their drinks.
One got a curious look on his face and asked, "Hey, Johnny! You ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"
Johnny replied "Yep. I was married to one for fifteen years."

Quickies....

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?"
To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"

The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?"
Back came the reply; "Take no chances order all three."

This should be etched in stone someplace.

In case we find ourselves starting to believe all the Anti-American sentiment and negativity, we should remember England's Prime Minister Tony Blair's words during a recent interview.
When asked by one of his Parliament members why he believes so much in America, he said:
"A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in
.... And how many want out."

From the Odd News section...

Not sure what to say about that except that I need to update my will...

Police crack down on striptease funerals...
Aug 23, 11:09 AM (ET)
BEIJING (Reuters) - Striptease send-offs at funerals may become a thing of the past in east China after five people were arrested for organizing the intimate farewells, state media reported on Wednesday.
Police swooped last week after two groups of strippers gave "obscene performances" at a farmer's funeral in Donghai County, Jiangsu province, Xinhua news agency said.
The disrobing served a higher purpose, the report noted.
"Striptease used to be a common practice at funerals in Donghai's rural areas to allure viewers," it said. "Local villagers believe that the more people who attend the funeral, the more the dead person is honored."
Wealthy families often employed two troupes of performers to attract a crowd. Two hundred showed up at last week's funeral.
Five strippers were detained and local officials "issued notices concerning funeral management," Xinhua said.
Now village officials must submit plans for funerals within 12 hours after a villager dies. And residents can report "funeral misdeeds" on a hotline, the report said.

Ann nails it again...

Last week, British authorities arrested 24 members of a terrorist cell plotting to blow up about a dozen U.S.-bound planes simultaneously. As a result of those arrests, we learned:
1) Nothing being done by airport security since 9/11 would prevent a bomb from being brought onto an airplane; and
2) This terrorist plot — like all other terrorist plots — was stopped by ethnic profiling.
That ain't no shit. If it was up to me there would be a seperate line for mooooslems. And we would tell them if they had any colon problems.
The sole objective of airport security post-9/11 has been to accomplish the impossible — remove all sharp objects from a plane — in order to prevent an attack that won't ever happen again. (OK — well, that and finding out what color of lingerie Ann Coulter prefers.)
That's something I'd like to find out, black for me...

It can be done....

A biker stops by the local Cycle Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane.
I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

Rednecks...

"You know you're a redneck when...... "
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and he doesn't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Not PC here...

One day a florist goes to the barber for a haircut.
After the cut he goes to pay the barber..... I am sorry I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing a community service. The florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and one dozen roses waiting at his door.
A cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: I'm sorry I cannot accept money from you I'm doing community Service. The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and one dozen donuts waiting at his door.
A Mexican cook goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: I'm sorry I can't accept money from you I'm doing a community service. The Mexican cook is happy and leaves.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop guess what he finds there?...
A dozen Mexicans waiting for a free haircut !!

At least he's honest...

So True....

August 22, 2006
The only people with whom you should try to get even are those who have helped you.
—John E. Southard

Bubba

Down South Bubba called his attorney and asked:
Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer ?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer.
"But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin . . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"

Yep....

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like....
1. Men are like .. Laxatives .... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. Bananas .. The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ... Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .... Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .Chocolate Bars . Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like . Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ... .Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots . All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Nuff Said

Your alarm goes off, you hit the snooze and sleep for another 10 minutes.
He stays up for days on end.

You take a warm shower to help you wake up.
He goes days or weeks without running water.

You complain of a "headache", and call in sick.
He gets shot at as others are hit, and keeps moving forward.

You put on your anti war/don't support the troops shirt, and go meet up with your friends.
He still fights for your right to wear that shirt.

You make sure your cell phone is in your pocket.
He clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags.

You talk trash about your "buddies" that aren't with you.
He knows he may not see some of his buddies again.

You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls.
He walks the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists.

You complain about how hot it is.
He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow.

You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong.
He doesn't get to eat today.

Your maid makes your bed and washes your clothes.
He wears the same things for weeks, but makes sure his weapons are clean.

You go to the mall and get your hair redone.
He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today.

You're angry because your class ran 5 minutes over.
He's told he will be held over an extra 2 months.

You call your girlfriend and set a date for tonight.
He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home.

You hug and kiss your girlfriend, like you do everyday.
He holds his letter close and smells his love's perfume.

You roll your eyes as a baby cries.
He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll ever meet

You criticize your government, and say that war never solves anything.
He sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own people and remembers why he is fighting.

You hear the jokes about the war, and make fun of men like him.
He hears the gunfire, bombs and screams of the wounded.

You see only what the media wants you to see.
He sees the broken bodies lying around him.

You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't.
He does exactly what he is told.

You stay at home and watch TV.
He takes whatever time he is given to call, write home, sleep, and eat.

You crawl into your soft bed, with down pillows, and get comfortable.
He crawls under a tank for shade and a 5 minute nap, only to be woken by gunfire.

You sit there and judge him, saying the world is probably a worse place because of men like him.
If only there were more men like him!

If it gets to another veteran who hasn't received it yet, it will bring back memories.

Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you, Jesus Christ and the American G. I.
One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.

So True....

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

Fussy, fussy, fussy

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
So I switched the heads."

Quote of the Day

Some day, in years to come, you will be wrestling with the great temptation, or trembling under the great sorrow of your life. But the real struggle is here, now, in these quiet weeks. Now it is being decided whether, in the day of your supreme sorrow or temptation, you shall miserably fail or gloriously conquer. Character cannot be made except by a steady, long continued process.
- -- Phillips Brooks

Quote of the Day

Success doesn't "happen." It is organized, preempted, captured, by consecrated common sense.
- -- F.E. Willard

Sorry I missed your call...

I was next door helping the new neighbor change a burnt out light bulb while I held the ladder.

Headlines from the year 2029!

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Baby conceived naturally - - scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year, $75.8 billion study : Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.!
Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines

Test

Attention Ladies! Want to truly understand your man? Just simply match the questions of "What A Man Says" with "What A Man Wants". Give yourself one point for each correct answer!
"What A Man Says"
1. "These flowers are for you."
2. "Can I have your number?"
3. "You look beautiful."
4. "I've enjoyed tonight."
5. "What we have is special."
6."I love you."

"What A Man Wants"
A. Sex
B. Sex
C. Sex
D. Sex
E. Sex
F. Sex

Quickies....

Why is marriage is like a violin?
After all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.

New studies show that women who drink tea are twice as likely to get pregnant.
Related studies have revealed that women who drink Long Island Ice Tea are twice as likely to wake up in the back seat of a Camaro with sticky hair.

Why don't they allow a man to marry 2 women in the U. S.?
No man deserves that kind of punishment!

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.

What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What your name means in numbers...

There are 15 letters in your name.
Those 15 letters total to 74
There are 5 vowels and 10 consonants in your name.

Your number is: 11

The characteristics of #11 are: High spiritual plane, intuitive, illumination, idealist, a dreamer.

The expression or destiny for #11:
Your Expression number is 11. The number 11 is the first of the master numbers. It is associated with idealistic concepts and rather spiritual issues. Accordingly, it is a number with potentials that are somewhat more difficult to live up to. You have the capacity to be inspirational, and the ability to lead merely by your own example. An inborn inner strength and awareness can make you an excellent teacher, social worker, philosopher, or advisor. No matter what area of work you pursue, you are very aware and sensitive to the highest sense of your environment. Your intuition is very strong; in fact, many psychic people and those involved in occult studies have the number 11 expression. You possess a good mind with keen analytical ability. Because of this you can probably succeed in most lines of work, however, you will do better and be happier outside of the business world. Oddly enough, even here you generally succeed, owing to your often original and unusual approach. Nonetheless, you are more content working with your ideals, rather than dollars and cents.

The positive aspect of the number 11 expression is an always idealistic attitude. Your thinking is long term, and you are able to grasp the far-reaching effects of actions and plans. You are disappointed by the shortsighted views of many of your contemporaries. You are deeply concerned and supportive of art, music, or of beauty in any form.

The negative attitudes associated with the number 11 expression include a continuous sense of nervous tension; you may be too sensitive and temperamental. You tend to dream a lot and may be more of a dreamer than a doer. Fantasy and reality sometimes become intermingled and you are sometimes very impractical. You tend to want to spread the illumination of your knowledge to others irrespective of their desire or need.

Your Soul Urge number is: 4

A Soul Urge number of 4 means:
With the Soul Urge or Motivation number of 4 you are likely to strive for a stable life. You tend to follow a rather orderly pattern and systematic approach in your endeavors. You have an inner desire to serve others in a methodical and diligent manner. You want to be in solid, conventional, and well-regulated activities, and you are somewhat disturbed by innovation and erratic or sudden changes. Excellent at organizing, systematizing, and managing, you have a way of establishing order and maintaining it. You are responsible, reliable and in the final analysis, practical. Highly analytical, you can see your way through all sorts of situations and generally have a clear understanding of the issues. You are a very honest, sincere, and conscientious individual.

The negative side of the 4 is rigid, stubborn and somewhat narrow-minded. There is a tendency to hide feelings, or to really not be aware of real feelings. Avoid being too rigid and stubborn in your thinking, and try to always see the big picture rather than becoming to involved with the detail. Don't be afraid to take a chance once in awhile.

Your Inner Dream number is: 7

An Inner Dream number of 7 means:
You dream of having the opportunity to read, study, and shut yourself off from worldly distractions. You can see yourself as a teacher, mystic, or ecclesiastic, spending your life in the pursuit of knowledge and learning.

Find your number here
Found it here

USMC Photographer

That ain't no Shit...

Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin?
It won't work and you can't fire it.

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.

Quickies....

One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed In a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do Anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, And the other is a husband.

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the Convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired Of Chardonnay."

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt Them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied,
"I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain Man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Good Advice...

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace.

LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Procrastinate Now!
I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Mississippi Contest

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

Quote of the Day

Trials, temptations, disappointments -- all these are helps instead of hindrances, if one uses them rightly. They not only test the fibre of a character, but strengthen it. Every conquered temptation represents a new fund of moral energy. Every trial endured and weathered in the right spirit makes a soul nobler and stronger than it was before.
- James Buckham

Smart Guy

An Irishman walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what the Irishman had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

Mowing and Beer

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"
I took a drink from my can of Bud Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosey-assed neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

That ain't no Shit...

I think I am going to have to start carrying a roll around for some of you guys that I hang out with... You know who you are...
Duct tape making our world a prettier place to live.

Dear Diaper Heads...

I know it's tough for you guys to wrap your 7th century brains about what this pics mean. Well let me make it simple for you, 500 lbs of HE right up your asshole.
I need to scan in the photo of the '20 some odd years', cause I was on that one on the USS Coral Sea CV-43. It was the largest at the time since WWII.

For the first time in over 20 some odd years, three carrier strike groups got together in formation for a great photo op.
From left to right are the aircraft carriers, ABRAHAM LINCOLN, KITTY HAWK, and RONALD REAGAN. We even had Air Force planes fly-over, see the B-2 Stealth Bomber in the fourth picture down.
060618-N-8492C-276 PACIFIC OCEAN, (June 18, 2006) ? USS Ronald Reagan (CVN 76) (foreground), USS Kitty Hawk (CV 63) (middle), USS Abraham Lincoln (CVN 72) and their associated carrier strike groups steam in formation while 17 aircraft from the Air Force, Navy, and Marine Corps fly over them during a joint photo exercise (PHOTOEX) while preparing for exercise Valiant Shield 2006. The Kitty Hawk Carrier Strike Group is currently participating in Valiant Shield 2006, the largest joint exercise in recent history. Held in the Guam operating area June 19-23, the exercise includes 28 Naval vessels including three carrier strike groups. Nearly 300 aircraft and approximately 22,000 service members from the Navy, Air Force, Marine Corps, and Coast Guard are also participating in the exercise. Official U.S. Navy photo by Chief
Photographer's Mate Todd P. Cichonowicz (RELEASED)

Fast Thinker...

A man walked into the produce section of this local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager: "Some asshole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, and he quickly added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Wisconsin, sir" the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Wisconsin?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing up there but whores and football players!"
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Wisconsin."
"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?

That ain't no Shit...

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD..
Right now, as you read this, 17 Million Americans are having SEX!
And you're on the computer!

Ouch....

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."

Help Needed.

Does anybody out there know which Wal-Mart sells this mirror?

Hillbilly Mirror

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."

Cute.

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

You got Male!

That ain't no Shit...

What is a racist?
You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. You call me "Whiteboy," "Cracker," "Honkey," "Whitey," "Caveman" and that's OK.

But when I call you, nigger, Kike, Towelhead, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink you call me a racist.

You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you, so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?

You have the United Negro College Fund.
You have Martin Luther King Day.
You have Black History Month.
You have Cesar Chavez Day.
You have Yom Hashoah
You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi
You have the NAACP.
You have BET.

If we had WET(White Entertainment Television) we'd be racists.
If we had a White Pride Day you would call us racists.
If we had white history month, we'd be racists.
If we had an organization for only whites to "advance" our lives, we'd be racists.
If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships, you> know we'd be racists.

There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US, yet if there were "White colleges" that would be a racist college.

In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists.

You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.

You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug-dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.

I am proud, but you call me a racist.

Why is it that only whites can be racists?

That's me in 32 years....

A 78 year-old man came into the Doctor's office and complained of being tired. The Doctor asked if he'd done anything unusual lately.
The man said, "Well, Wednesday night I picked up a 20 year old secretary, went back to her place, and nailed her 3 times. Thursday, I met a 19 year old waitress at the diner and we went out to Lover's Rock and made love 4 times. Friday, I went out with an 18 year old friend of my granddaughter's and we ended up making it in the back of my Ford. Saturday I was lured into a motel by 17 year old twins..."
The Doctor said, "That's absolutely astonishing. But with all the dangers of sex these days, I hope you took proper precautions..."
"Of course," the old geezer replied, "I game 'em all phony names..."

Oooops

The young Swedish au pair had been working for the Schmitt's for more than a year. While hardworking and efficient, she still struggled with English.
One day, she told Mrs. Schmitt that she had received good news from her boyfriend Sven. "He is coming to visit me from army next week!"
"That's wonderful," the woman replied. "How long is his furlough?"
"Oh," the young woman said, blushing, "About as long as Mr. Schmitt's. Just a little thicker."

Sounds like a fighter pilot to me...

A young and foolish hot-shot pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation radio frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching an airfield during the nighttime.
Instead of making any official landing requests to the tower, he said:
...."Guess who?"
The tower controller switched the field lights off and replied:
....."Guess where!"

Snicker....

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.
I demand proper manners in bed, she declared, "Just as I do at the dinner table."
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets.
"Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
"Very good, darling," the husband whispered.
"Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy."

Uh Well...That's how I hope I go....

Your Deadly Sins

Lust: 60%

Sloth: 20%

Wrath: 20%

Envy: 0%

Gluttony: 0%

Greed: 0%

Pride: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 14%

You'll die from overexertion. *wink*

How Sinful Are You?

Good One....

Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"
"A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed.
Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said
"Whew! Thank God! I thought you said 'A Protestant'!"

Yep...

A repairman is walking through a mental institution.
He comes up to the first room and sees a man swinging an imaginary baseball bat.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asks. "I'm Babe Ruth. As soon as I hit a homerun I'm out of here," replies the man.
The repairman wishes him well and continues on his way.
In the next room, there's a guy swinging an imaginary golf club. "What the hell are YOU doing?" he asks. "I'm Arnold Palmer. As soon as I make a hole in one I'm out of here!" replies the man.
The repairman shakes his head and comes up to the next room.
There's a guy sitting naked balancing a peanut on the tip of his dick.
"What the hell are you doing!" he asks.
"I'm fucking nuts, I'm never getting out of here!

That ain't no Shit...

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

Dreams...

Ahmadinejad, the president of Iran, calls President Bush and tells him: “President Bush, I called because I had a most remarkable dream last night!”

Bush: “What was your dream about, Ahmadinejad?”

Ahmadinejad: “President Bush - I dreamt very clearly that America had been totally destroyed and then rebuilt, and on the top of each house in America, there was a flag. And on the flag was writing!”

Bush: “And what was written on the flag, president Ahmadinejad?”

Ahmadinejad: “Ah, President Bush! What else could be on such flags flying over a destroyed America? “Allah is big”, “Allah is great"!!!"Long Live Allah!” That is what I saw in my dream on those flags!”

Bush: “You know what Ahmadinejad? It’s good that you called, because I had a dream too. In my dream Teheran had been completely destroyed, and was rebuilt, and on the top of each building in my dream, I too saw a flag.”

Ahmadinejad: “What! What was written on those flags on the houses of Iran, President Bush?”

Bush: “I don’t know what was written, Ahmadinejad - because - unfortunately - I can’t read Hebrew!”

THINGS YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW

1. Money isn't made out of paper; it's made out of cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
3. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
4. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
5. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
6. During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be seen in the distance.
7. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
8. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
9. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.

Works for Me...

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.

CLASS PROJECT GONE WRONG

An elementary school class started a class project to make planters to take home to their parents.
They wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so they decided to use cactus plants.
The students were given green-ware pottery planters in the shape of clowns which they painted with glaze.
The clown planters were professionally fired at a class outing so they could see the process.
It was great fun!
They planted cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely, but unfortunately, the children were not allowed to take them home.
The cactus plants were removed and small ivy replaced them and the children were then allowed to take them home instead.
The teacher said cactus seemed like a good idea at the time!

That would be my reaction...

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road One evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The Driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you," asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me."!
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.
The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

Yep...

I scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone.
I approached her and asked her name. "My name is Carmen," she told me.
"That's beautiful," I said. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied, "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men. What's your name?" she asked.
"Beertits," I replied.

Mooslem Repellent

Blonde Moments!

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Little Johnny

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
Little Johnny raises his hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," he volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked him to describe the incident.
"Well," he began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little Johnny. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!"

Little Johnny Grows Up...

Johnny was taking in the scene at a popular L.A. nightspot when a
mini-skirted Valley Girl sashayed over to him and said,
"Like, I want you to totally screw my brains out."
"Sorry," I replied, "I'm not into quickies."

Selective hearing....

What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW"

I want to know...

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

Best joke I've seen all year!

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you." The drunk replies, "Tits"

Interesting...

Your Birthdate: January 16

You're incredibly introverted and introspective. You live inside your head. You spend a lot of alone time meditating and thinking. People see you as withdrawn, and at times they are right. You are caring and deep, but it may be difficult for you to show this side of yourself. Your strength: Your original approach to thinking Your weakness: You tend to shy away from others Your power color: Pale blue Your power symbol: Wavy line Your power month: July

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

That ain't no Shit...

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.

So True....

In a new sex survey they found that 18 percent of people had sex four or more times a week.
Now here is the interesting part. That number drops to 3 percent when you add the phrase, "With a partner."

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

1. What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close,
And Attitude will get you there,
It's the BULLSHIT and ASS KISSING that will put you over the top.

Employee of the Month

WE SHOULD ALL BE THIS DEDICATED.........................

Redneck birthday

Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
(Who says red necks ain't real bright??!)

I know I posted this before but now I have proof!!!!

WHEN YOU GET TO THE END, CLICK ON THE LINK FOR THE DEMO!
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up Golf Courses" in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click here:

Beer Demo

Wow

Navy Diver Sets Record with 2,000 foot Dive
Navy News | PO3 Mark G. Logico | August 07, 2006
MV Kellie Chouest, At Sea - A Navy diver submerged 2,000 feet, setting a record using the new Atmospheric Diving System (ADS) suit, off the coast of La Jolla, Calif., Aug. 1.
Chief Navy Diver (DSW/SS) Daniel P. Jackson of Navy Reserve Deep Submergence Unit (DSU) was randomly selected to certify the ADS suit for use by the Navy.
“I feel like the luckiest guy in the world,” said Jackson. “I am honored and privileged to be the first diver to go down to that depth.”
The certification was the culmination of 11 years of planning, designing and testing by multiple agencies to develop the ADS suit, also known as the Hardsuit 2000.
“This is the biggest piece of teamwork that I have ever seen in the Navy,” said Cmdr. Keith W. Lehnhardt, the officer in charge of the project.
Lehnhardt said the project was a collaboration of so many different organizations, such as DSU, Submarine Squadron 5 and Diving Systems Support Detachment.
Jackson said, “I was just a guy tied to a rope. It was the ADS team that made it all possible. They were incredible.”
Developed by OceanWorks International from Vancouver, British Columbia, the Hardsuit 2000 was designed to withstand underwater pressure at 2,000 feet. Current models have only been able to go down as far as 1,200 feet.
“The suit worked incredibly,” said Jackson. “It did everything it was intended to do. I always heard that around 1,300 feet, the joints of the Hardsuit 2000 would work even better, and it worked exactly the way they said it would.”
Meeting the Navy’s high safety requirements, the ADS suit was designed and acquired by the Navy to support submarine rescue.
“Its specific purpose is to be part of the advance assessment system during a submarine rescue operation,” said Lehnhardt. “The diver in the suit will see what the damage to the sub is and find out where the survivors might be.”
“At 2,000 feet, I had topside turn off all the lights, and it was like a star show. The phosphorescence that was naturally in the water and in most of the sea life down there started to glow," Jackson said. "When I started to travel back up, all the lights looked like a shower of stars going down as I was coming up. It was the best ride in the world.”

Good One....

Young Schmitty was taking confession, when he told the priest that he was having impure thoughts about his sister. "Is this a sin, Father?" he asked.
The priest nodded and said, "Yes Schmitty, indeed it is a sin....Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."

Farcus Farkletush

MY NEW NAME IS NOTED ABOVE.....BUT, DON'T LAUGH UNTIL YOU FIND OUT WHAT YOUR NEW NAME IS ..

We all need a little stress-reliever! This only takes a minute. Please don't be a bore and ruin it. Send it on to everyone you know including the person that sent it to you.

Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. And, if we are honest, we have a lot morestressful days than not.

Here is your dose of humor...

A. Follow the instructions to find your new name.

B. Once you have your new name, put it in the subject box and forward it to friends and family and co-workers.

Don't forget to forward it back to the person who sent it to you, so they know you participated. And don't go all adult - a senior manager is now known far and wide as Dorky Gizzardsniffer.

The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:

a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobiem
m = sleazy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dinky
z = zippy

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = dippin
b = feather
c = batty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = potty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdle

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice

Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny.

Now when you SEND THIS ON...use your new name as the subject. And remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day; adults laugh an average of 4 times a day. Put more laughter in your day.

This ought to work...

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Facts of Life...

Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC

Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills ,CA

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

What Mythological Creature Are You?

You Are a Pegasus

You are a perfectionist, with an eye for beauty. You know how to live a good life - and you rarely deviate from your good taste. While you aren't outgoing, you have excellent social skills. People both admire you - and feel very comfortable around you.

What Mythological Creature Are You?

I got tagged...

Sorry it took so long to do this, didn't get your email.

5 Items In My Closet
Let's see I have 3 and I'm single...
1.Clothes (washed and not from the dirty pile in the floor)
2.A Leather oh wait never mind…
3.Vacuum Cleaner, can somebody out there tell me what those things are used for?
4.Fire Extinguisher.
5.A couple of old computers, wait what’s that, need to clean that up for the next lady…..

5 Things In My Freezer
1.Steaks, stolen from my folks who raise their own beef, they are soooo good.
2.I’m not sure what that is but I’m glad it’s not moving.
3.A year old box of baking soda.
4.Ice Packs, to put in my cooler for the beer when I visit friends.
5. Oh shit, it is moving.

5 Things In My Car (aka Das Boot) This is going to be though, just cleaned it out cause I have a date, or maybe not, frellin PMS.
1.A gallon of coolant.
2.Ice scrapper, ya I know it’s 100+ here in Oklahoma.
3.Empty bucket I use for trash.
4.Several Sonic straws.
5.Pam Anderson in the back seat, oh wait; this isn’t what I want in the car.

Blonde Moments!

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Blonde Moments!

The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise.
You need to make sure the dog runs around, the doctor said. Try playing a game of fetch.
I can’t play fetch with my dog, the blonde said.
Why not? the doctor asked.
Because, she replied, He can’t throw.

Yep...

A young woman teacher explains to her class of children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too.
Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Sara who has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an atheist."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"I'm Jewish."
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Sara why she is Jewish.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving God. My Mom is Jewish, and my dad is Jewish, so I am Jewish."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Sara, "I'd be an atheist."

Did You Know!

Laughing stock is really cattle with a sense of humor.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Eating right. Staying fit. Die anyway.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
A shin is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

That didn't work...

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy. "What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively.
"Well," he mused, "I'd say that you're a lesbian."

Blonde Moments!

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are riding in an elevator from the 14th floor to the lobby. The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain."
The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a cum stain," she says. The blonde leans over and tastes the spot, then says, "Well, it's nobody from this building."

Little Johnny Grows Up...

Fred and I were talking one day when Johnny says,
"I went to see the doctor the other day for that pain in my back."
"So what happened?" I asked.
"Well, he ran a bunch of tests, gave me some pills and sent me home.
Told me to stay in bed for a week.
He also told me to sit down whenever I had to pee.
Can you imagine that?
A grown man having to sit to pee?"
"Why would he want you to sit to pee?" I asked
"Well", said Johnny, "With my bad back, he doesn't want me picking up anything too heavy."

Yep....

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.
The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay.
That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway"

That's Me...

You know you're a redneck if you do all of your Christmas shopping at a truck stop!

That ain't no Shit...

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,"said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they argued before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall cut the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed the king's advisor.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

Not PC here...

What do you get when you cross a mexican with an octupus?
I don't know, but it sure can pick tomatoes

Did you hear about the Polish lesbian?
She loved men.

One I tweaked....

San Francisco has become the first US city to pay for civil employees' sex change operations.
The rest rooms at San Francisco's City Hall are now labeled "Men," "Women" and "What The Fuck?"

Snicker....

Why do some bikers prefer fat, tattooed women?
They give shadein the summer time, heat in the winter time and moving pictures all year 'round!

Do ya know why fuckin a fat chick is like riding a Honda?
It's fun till your friends catch ya....

Funnies...

Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
======================================================================
Two guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding. "I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"
======================================================================
What's the difference between Biology and Sociology?
When the baby looks like the father, its Biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, its Sociology!
======================================================================
A couple were being interviewed on their Golden Wedding Anniversary. "In all that time, did you ever consider divorce?" they were asked."
"Oh, no, not divorce," one said. "Murder sometimes, but never divorce."
-------------------------------------------------------------------

The virgin joke reminds me of a conversation I had with a couple of guys while I was in the USN. They said they would only marry virgins. I said 'Really, if your not in bed with a girl by the third date ya dump her so how will ya marry a virgin?'
They said 'Well I'll know if it's somebody I want to get married to real quick'.
I said 'Yea right, I'll take a woman that know's what she's doing.'
Just guessin, but I thunk they didn't want a lady that knew what she was doing...
Or they didin't want a lady that know's they didn't know what to do...

Mooslem Repellent

Well Bane inspired me for this one. Ya I will post a link whem I'm sober...

Yep...

Why would I like to be reincarnated as whale?
So I can have a 10 foot tongue and breathe out of the top of my head.

Funny....

A male and female on a plane. "I think everyone's asleep, lets go"
Sound of steps. "This one's empty ... no-ones looking ... you go in first"
"It a bit cramped - let me sit down" "Have you got the condom? Quick, put it on"
Sniff, sniff. "Ah perfume - you think of everything" "This is great....." (long sigh)
Static on the loud speaker then a new voice. "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations...
Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!"

No Shit...

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver,
"Are you seriously hurt?"
"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer!"

A farmer story..good one!

A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door.
"Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"
"You don't get milk from milkweed," the farmer replied.
"Oh yes," said the young man, "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it."
"Well, help yourself," said the farmer.
He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.
The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up.
"Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"
"You don't get honey from honeysuckle," said the farmer.
Again, the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.
The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house.
"Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussy willows down by the creek."
The farmer said, "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you....."

Curly's Classic Joke Of The Day!

Darrell walks into his doctor's office and the receptionist gives him a form to fill out and asks him what his problem is.
Darrell replied, I've got something wrong with my cock."
"Please watch your language!" scolds the receptionist. "There are women and children in the waiting room."
Darrell leaves the office, only to return a few minutes later and said to the receptionist, "I've got a problem with my ear."
"Now that's much better," says the receptionist. "What wrong with your ear?"
"I can't piss out of it!"

Good One...

A guy with a huge dick has a lot of trouble trying to get a girl. When they see the size of his pecker they make their excuses and leave. So he thinks of a cunning plan, meets a hooker and asks her, "Do you mind if we do it my way?"
"What way is that?" she asks.
"Oh, I would just like you to wear a blindfold" he replies.
"Is that all? No problem - let's go to my place," she answers.
They walk the short distance to her apartment. Whilst taking off their clothes he puts the blindfold on her.
"Why do you want me to wear a blindfold?" she asks.
"Because of my religion" he answers.
"What religion is that?" she asks.
"I'm an agnostic," he says, getting on top of her.
"Hmmm - an agnostic - I've heard of those - you're one of those people who doesn't believe in.....J E S U S C H R I S T!"