Californians

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, it's your turn..
You know you're from California if:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember . . Is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . .. . Is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . .. .is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
15 You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.
19. The Terminator is your Governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

Thanks Bill...

Car panties...

Curly's Classic Joke Of The Day!

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Blonde Moments!

A lawyer and a blonde happen to be sitting next to each other on a long cross-country flight. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.
Now this blonde happens to be highly intelligent, but she is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains how the game works.
"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."
Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: "Okay, how about this: if you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes back down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the internet and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his colleagues and friends, trying to get some help.
All to no avail.
After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, is going nuts trying to figure it out.
He wakes the blonde again and asks: "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes back down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Colonoscopy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and theblood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge

Thanks Neenie...

ADIOS AMIGOS

Do you remember when Puerto Rico was raising heck about the US Navy using that nothing little island just off the coast of Puerto Rico for bombing practices, which they had used for the past 75 years?
Demonstrations were held, Hollywood left wingers, Al Sharpton, and his fellow demagogues went down there to demonstrate to get the Navy out?
I am sure it infuriated you just as it did me at the time. Well, here is our revenge.
Always be careful what you ask for, you just may get it!
One of the many headaches that the U. S. has had was the Puerto Rican Island of Vieques. In the waning years of the Clinton Administration protesters demanded that the US Navy abandon bombing and naval gunfire exercises that had taken place on the largely uninhabited island for nearly seventy years.
Liberal icons bumped into one another to fly to Puerto Rico, boat over to the island, trespass (but never on a day that there was an exercise scheduled) and get arrested for the benefit of the New York Times or Newsweek. They included the Reverend Al Sharpton, Reverend Jesse Jackson, Joan Baez, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., Edward Olmos, Michael Moore and Ramsey Clark, just to name a few.
In 2002, the bombing exercises were transferred to an Air Force bombing range in central Florida, not far from the Jacksonville and Pensacola Naval Air Stations. In January, many of the protesters were back in Puerto Rico, celebrating the final bombing exercise on Vieques and waved Puerto Rican flags and placards that read, "U. S. Navy, get out of Puerto Rico."
The following February, Rumsfeld announced that the U. S. Navy will close the Roosevelt Roads Naval Air Station in Puerto Rico in 2004, eliminating 1200 civilian jobs as well as 700 military positions. This naval facility is estimated to have put nearly $300 million annually into the local economy.
The next day a stunned Governor Sila Calderon, held a news conference in San Juan, protesting the base closure as a serious blow to the Commonwealth's fragile economy. The governor stated that "The people of Puerto Rico don't now or never did have an interest in closing the Vieques bombing range or the Roosevelt Roads naval base. We are interested in both staying in Puerto Rico "
When asked, the Commander-in Chief, Western Atlantic Command, said, "Without Vieques, I see no further need for the facility at Roosevelt Roads. None."
So, Yankee go home? Fine. But we'll take our dollars with us. Hasta la vista, baby!
On February 21, the Secretary of Defense also announced that starting this year, the U. S. European Command would begin moving most, if not all, of its active combat and support units from bases in Germany to others being established in Poland, The Czech Republic, Hungary and Turkey to "better position them for rapid deployment to likely ot spots in those parts of the world."
Immediately the business and government leaders in the German states of Hesse, Rhineland and Wurttemburg, protested the loss of nearly $6 billion US revenue each year from the bases and manpower to be displaced. A spokesman for the Foreign Ministry speculated that the move may be "what the Americans call 'payback' for the actions of this government in opposing Military action in Iraq ".
Does anyone know the German translation for, "Hasta la vista, baby?" I think, "Aufwiedersehen, linesmen" is a good translation.
Oh, isn't it nice to see a government with guts and a good memory.
Also, here are some statistics and conclusions about a different subject. If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,112 deaths,(when this was written) that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.
The firearm death rate in Washington D. C. is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period.
That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the U. S. Capitol, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation, than you are in Iraq.
Conclusion: The U. S. should pull out of Washington

Talk about getting goosed!

"Meeting a goose" at 185 knots can ruin your day. Although the pilot was injured, he was able to 'fly the airplane' and land the Baron safely.

Oh yea...

Where do I buy this??? My lady would like to know...

Energy Drink 'Boost Plus' Blamed For Endless Erection, Man Sues
By Mitch Marconi
Jun 6, 2007
Erection in a bottle? A man from New York City has reportedly sued the maker of the energy drink Boost Plus, claiming that the vitamin-enriched beverage gave him an erection that would not abate and forced him to seek hospital treatment, according to reports.
The lawsuit was filed by Christopher Woods, of Manhattan. The AP is reporting that he bought the health beverage, which is made by the Swiss-based Novartis pharmaceutical company, at a drugstore on June 5, 2004.
According to the Boost Plus website, the drink is described as "a great tasting, high-calorie, nutritionally complete oral supplement for people who require extra energy and protein in a limited volume." It is available in vanilla, chocolate and strawberry.
According to court papers, Woods' said that he woke up the next morning "with an erection that would not subside" and sought treatment for the condition, which is called priapism.
Woods, 29, had surgery that day for implantation of a Winter shunt, which moves blood from one area to another, reports the AP.
Woods' lawsuit seeks unspecified damages and names Novartis Consumer Health Inc. as a defendant.

The Flight Crew

The airliner pushed back from the gate; the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc .
Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."
Ed, sitting in the eighth row, thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"
When the attendant came by with the drink cart, he said
"Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing sir," said the attendant,
"We No Longer Call It The Cock Pit."
"It's The Box Office."

Thanks Neenie...

Urinals Too High

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her the commode lid is taped and says out of order, and that none of them can reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, told the boys to open their pants, and she began hoisting the boys up, one by one, and telling each one to hold onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes and to aim it into the urinal .
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade." HE REPLIED: "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today.

**Rules for the phone.***

How ALL business phones SHOULD be answered!
GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA .
Press "1" for English.**
Press "2" to disconnect until you learn to speak English
And remember only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you,
Jesus Christ*
and the _American_ Soldier.**
One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.

Let's Talk

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Thanks Bill...

Yep...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth,looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day ! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster.... everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure ! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear, what was it like being six again ? ?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
I meant dress size!
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

Thanks Bro...

Husbands & Wives Chuckles

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
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Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes and no."
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Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"
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Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
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Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
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A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
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Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."
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A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."

Thanks Neenie...

I've given up beer

Late Memorial Day...

Quote of the Day

"I don't mind coming to work, But that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch."