Found at EHOWA.COM

You Might Be A Part Of The Taliban If...
...You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
...You own a $300 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
...You have more wives than teeth.
...You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
...You've ever opened a can of falafel with a mortar round.
...You used a Stinger missile given to you by George Bush Sr. to shoot at a helicopter sent by George Bush Jr.
...You’ve ever had your camel repossessed.
...You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
...You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
...You’ve ever been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look fat?"
...You think "The Kite Runner" is the funniest book you ever read.
...You’ve felt the urge to rub one out after seeing a woman’s exposed ankle.
...You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
...You’ve ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you’ve done with your cave."
...You wipe your asswith your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
I thought you'd like this. I wrote it, but I'd be amazed if I was the first guy to think of it. Feel free to post it. Feel free to modify it. If you use it, please post a link or give me some sort of credit (or blame). - gord

Yep...

Couldn't help it...

So True....

Many of us unfortunately were born after our own Grandpas had passed on and never had the opportunity to enjoy moments like this. I hope this will again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet. It comes from a mentor and always on a very personal level.
My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up and for me it is a time to reminisce. We used to take long walks and drives together. He would make special trips to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him. I was young when he died. If he were living today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man. The one I remember best came from him when I was only 12.
We were sitting in a park, watching children with their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family. Then came the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice when he said, "And be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"Why should I do that, Grandpa?" I asked.
"It makes your pecker look bigger." He replied!

Duh.....

Enjoy...

Q. How can you tell if your baby is an Italian?
A. He will only take his pacifier if the nipple has hair on it.

An old widow and widower named Mary and Steve get married. They are up there in age, and the romance, engagement and marriage was quick. They hoped they had enough strength to live through their wedding day and night. After the marriage ceremony, they retire to a nearby hotel. Both are very nervous. Cautiously they begin to undress in front of each other. In the process, Mary, the old woman, removes her false teeth and puts them in a glass. Mary then removes her prosthetic leg and leans it against the wall. She looks up at her new groom and smiles nervously, and Steve is intently watching... Mary continues. She removes her bra which contains false inserts; she removes a glass eye and gingerly places it in a special box on the nightstand. Again she shyly smiles at her aged spouse, and Steve continues to stare in an interested manner. As Mary takes off her wig, she realizes that Steve is not making much progress in getting undressed. He's stopped undressing and is just staring at her. She asks him, "What are you waiting for?" Steve quickly replies, "You know what I want. Take it off and throw it over here!"

Q. Why are blacks afraid to sleep?
A. Because the last one who had a dream was shot.

This man walks in to a psychiatrist's office and lies down on the couch. The shrink says, "What makes you think you need the services of a psychiatrist?" The man replies that he wakes up every night in the kitchen after some pretty crazy sleepwalking. The shrink says, "So, would you like me to try to cure you of sleepwalking?" The man explains that the sleepwalking isn't really the problem. Every time he wakes up he is in the same place, doing the same thing - he has his pajamas around his ankles and his dick in a jar of peanuts. The psychiatrist says, "I think I know what your problem is. You're fucking nuts."

Q. How do fags call each other?
A. Homophones.

Two gay guys were dancing when one said to the other, "Why do you always get an erection when we dance together?" The other replied, "Because you dance like an asshole!"

Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A. I don't know and I don't care.

A girl came home from a date. Her mother had waited up for her, and when the girl walked in the door, the mother noticed she had rice in her hair. "Sally," she said, "you didn't tell me you were going to a wedding." "I didn't mom," Sally replied. "I was giving a blowjob to a Chinese guy and he threw up on me."

Q. What do you get when you mix LSD with contraception pills?
A. A trip witout the kids.

One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge. He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened. The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?" "Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe.

Q. What did the brown gerbil say to the white gerbil at the gay bar?
A. You're new here, aren't you?

When I meet God, I'm gonna ask him one question: Why did you make me so unattractive, yet so horny?

Q. Who was the secretly gay member of the A-Team?
A. Mr. T-Bag.

The young mother was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I am going to give you a prescription for some tranquillizers that I want you to start taking regularly." On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down any?" "Oh, yes" the mother answered. "They do wonders for me." "And how is your son now?" he asked. She replied, "Who gives a shit..."

Q. Why is sex with your spouse like a convenience store?
A. There's not much variety, but what else is open at three in the morning.

A carpenter was very depressed. One day, in his workshop, he took his own life by swallowing an entire can of shellac. It was a horrible end but a beautiful finish.

Q. Why are there so many one-armed men in New Jersey?
A. It's from chewing off their arm to not wake the Jersey girl who came home with them.

Word of advice for the ladies: Despite what you've heard, don't ever marry a guy just because he has big feet. He could turn out to be just some clown.

Q. How many feminists does it take to get to the center of a tootsie-pop?
A. Dunno, they're all too busy sucking my dick.

Eve's side of the story.

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied.
"The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain," Reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".
"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight.
You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right.How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.
Now Let's see......where did I put the useless boob?"
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

I'm not that old...

Getting old is such a drag...
When I went to lunch today, I noticed this man about 75-80 years old sitting on a bench near the food court as he was sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning. She then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies. She also makes love to me for half the afternoon."
I said, "Well, so why are you crying?"
He said, "For dinner, she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite desert. She then makes love to me until 2:00 am."
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
The old man said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!"

No Doubt

Hillary's First Day as President...
Getting even with Bill!

sumbich

A filthy rich Louisiana man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Luke, the redneck from Meadville, PA visiting in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Luke was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Luke in the pool!
Luke was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Luke was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Luke and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Luke strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Luke then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Luke, I reckon I owe you a million dollars,"
"Nah, that's okay. I don't want it," said Luke.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"Nah, thanks, I don't want it," answered Luke.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Luke said "Nah".
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Luke, then what do you want?"
Luke said, "I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!"

Yep...

======================================================================
Wise men speak when they have something to say. Fools speak when they have to say something.
======================================================================
In the smoking-car the conversation turned to the merits and demerits of various ways of preserving health. One stout, florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject.
"Look at me!" he said. "Never a day's sickness in my life, and all due to simple food. Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of twenty to that of forty I lived an absolutely simple regular life no effeminate delicacies, no late hours, no extravagances. Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine
o'clock and up again at five in the morning. I worked from eight to one, then had dinner--a plain dinner, mark my words: after that, an hour's exercise; then.."
"Excuse me, sir," interrupted the facetious stranger in the corner,"But what were you in prison for?"
======================================================================
Why don't Polish gays like condoms?
They keep slipping off their tongue.

Yep....

Sometimes these "heartwarming" stories are a bit too sappy for me but this one is truly interesting...



In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Bobby were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.

?????

Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

Thanks Judy