So True....

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arthmatic classes:
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.
With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, "A lawyer!"

Good One...

He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."
She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."
They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter.
He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."
She says, "Thank you."
He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"
She says, "Go ahead."
He says, "Can you PEE through all that hair?"
She says, "Of course."
He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."

Yep....

The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?"
Back came the reply; "Take no chances order all three."

Darned clever, these Canadians?

America should consider changing their currency too!
Due to the global war on terrorism, many terrorist organizations have had their finances frozen. Consequently, they have resorted to counterfeiting.
The Canadians have decided to redesign their currency to prevent the radical Islamists from even touching it!? It is also hoped that this will have a positive effect on tourism:







Great Ideal. Now how do I get a date with Ann Coulter or the lady on the 100...

Hurricane Names...

New names for storms
Well, it appears our African American friends have found something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee of Houston) reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian-sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Woeisha, and Jamal.
I can hear it now: A black weatherman in Houston saying..."Wordup, Muthas! Herr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' Galveston like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo'de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit".

George Bush finds part of his gonads…

Bush Slams Leak of Terror Financing Info
Jun 27, 2:21 AM (ET)
By TERENCE HUNT
WASHINGTON (AP) - President Bush said Monday it was "disgraceful" that the news media had disclosed a secret CIA-Treasury program to track millions of financial records in search of terrorist suspects. The White House accused The New York Times of breaking a long tradition of keeping wartime secrets.
"The fact that a newspaper disclosed it makes it harder to win this war on terror," Bush said, leaning forward and jabbing his finger during a brief question-and-answer session with reporters in the Roosevelt Room.

This is a good start, let’s see if he can find some more and push for Treason charges against those al-Qaida operatives in the New York Slimes. Oh wait their only ‘journalist’ doing their job…

The Times has defended its effort, saying publication has served America's public interest.

What frellin interest? I could care less about the government spying on your buddies. As for the members of the ‘public’ that I have talked to we expect, no demand, that they spy on those who are trying to kill us.

The New York Times late last year also disclosed that the National Security Agency had been conducting warrantless surveillance in the United States since 2002 of people with suspected al-Qaida ties.

If the editor of the New York Slimes, Bill Abu Musab al-Keller hears funny clicks while you’re on the phone, pay no attention.

"The New York Times has now twice - two separate occasions - disclosed programs; both times they had been asked not to publish those stories by senior administration officials," Cheney said. "They went ahead anyway. The leaks to The New York Times and the publishing of those leaks is very damaging."

Anyone with more than two functioning brain cells can figure that one out. Oh wait, were dealing with ‘professional journalist’ here.

Bill Keller, executive editor of the Times, defended the decision to publish the story.
"Most Americans seem to support extraordinary measures in defense against this extraordinary threat, but some officials who have been involved in these programs have spoken to the Times about their discomfort over the legality of the government's actions and over the adequacy of oversight," Keller said in a note on the paper's Web site Sunday.

WTF ‘seem to support’? Are you daft? Never mind rhetorical question.

In an interview Monday on CNN's "The Situation Room," Keller revealed that Rep. John Murtha, D-Pa., who has been a vocal critic of the Iraq war, also urged the Times not to print the information.

Ya might not want to piss off one of your fellow libs, he might not give ya a reach around next time.

"In choosing to expose this program, despite repeated pleas from high-level officials on both sides of the aisle, including myself, the Times undermined a highly successful counterterrorism program and alerted terrorists to the methods and sources used to track their money trail," Snow wrote.

This is starting to get old. Anyone with more than two functioning brain cells can figure that one out. Oh wait, were dealing with ‘professional journalist’ here.

Keller told CNN on Monday: "I believe they genuinely did not want us to publish this. But I think it's not responsible of us to just take them at their word."

I wonder frellin why? Lets see, giving aid and comfort to the enemy, aka your cohorts?
As for me, I believe that the only reason you would publish such things is your blind hatred for President Bush and your quest to make him and conservatives in general look bad. You don’t give a shit if what you publish gets more Americans killed or maimed.
My hope is that you are on the receiving end of any terrorist attack you have helped facilitate with what you have published.

Curly's Classic Joke Of The Day!

A nurse says to a girl in the maternity ward, "Would you like your husband to be present at the birth?"
She says, "I'm afraid I don't have a husband, or a boyfriend. I'm unattached...I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth, the nurse says to the girl, "You have a healthy bouncing baby, but the baby is black."
The girl says, "I was down on my luck, so I took a job in a porno movie where the lead man was black."
The nurse says, "The baby also has blonde hair."
The girl says, "There was a Swedish guy in the movie, too."
The nurse says, "The baby also has slanted eyes."
The girl says, "There was a Chinaman in the movie, too."
Then the nurse hands the baby to the girl. The girl spanks it, and it cries out.
The girl says, "That's a relief. I was afraid the little bastard was gonna bark."

Cute.

One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and said that he had found a frog.
The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead. The student said it was dead.
The teacher asked how he knew.
The boy said, "I pissed in its ear."
The teacher said, "You what?"
He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."

Sons Who Make Their Dads Proud

Diversionary tactic...

A fortune to remember...

Why dogs would attack their owners ...

Blonde Moments!

A Young Blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices.
"I'll just catch my own alligator," she told one shopkeeper," so I can
get a pair of shoes for free."
She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.
Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in.
She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up.
"Oh, no!" the blonde shouted in dismay. "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Well considering I was born in 1960...

You Belong in 1968

If you scored... 1950 - 1959: You're fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in! 1960 - 1969: You are a free spirit with a huge heart. Love, peace, and happiness rule - oh, and drugs too. 1970 - 1979: Bold and brash, you take life by the horns. Whether you're partying or protesting, you give it your all! 1980 - 1989: Wild, over the top, and just a little bit cheesy. You're colorful at night - and successful during the day. 1990 - 1999: With you anything goes! You're grunge one day, ghetto fabulous the next. It's all good!

What Year Do You Belong In?

Found at Lemons and Lollipops.

Found at LL's also...

hujonwi -- [noun]: A master of sexual gratification 'How will you be defined in the sexual dictionary?' at QuizUniverse.com

Interesting...

Found this over at LL's site.

Capricorn You are very successful in life and are always planning for the future. You are probably already in a committed relationship and enjoy the intimacy that comes with your lovemaking. You are direct with your lover about what you like and you like it when they are direct with you. You have excellent sex, because you make sure that it’s a custom fit for yourself. Sex matches: Taurus, Virgo, Scorpio Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com

Also Need A Hat...

If you need to go to the Emergency Room but do not want to sit there for 4 hours waiting to be seen, sew a couple of these patches on a shirt.
It is amazing how many people get up and leave. I guess they suddenly decided they weren't that sick after all.
I should start selling these patches, just in case you ever need it:

Good One...

A RUSSIAN AND A REDNECK WRESTLER WERE SET TO SQUARE OFF FOR THE OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL. BEFORE THE FINAL MATCH, THE REDNECK WRESTLER'S TRAINER CAME TO HIM AND SAID, "NOW, DON'T FORGET ALL THE RESEARCH WE'VE DONE ON THIS RUSSIAN. HE'S NEVER LOST A MATCH BECAUSE OF THIS 'PRETZEL' HOLD HE HAS. WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT LET HIM GET YOU IN THAT HOLD! IF HE DOES, YOU'RE FINISHED." THE REDNECK NODDED IN ACKNOWLEDGMENT.
AS THE MATCH STARTED, THE REDNECK AND THE RUSSIAN CIRCLED EACH OTHER SEVERAL TIMES, LOOKING FOR AN OPENING.
ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE RUSSIAN LUNGED FORWARD, GRABBING THE REDNECK AND WRAPPING HIM UP IN THE DREADED PRETZEL HOLD. A SIGH OF DISAPPOINTMENT AROSE FROM THE CROWD AND THE TRAINER BURIED HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS, FOR HE KNEW ALL WAS LOST. HE COULDN'T WATCH THE INEVITABLE HAPPEN.
SUDDENLY, THERE WAS A SCREAM, THEN A CHEER FROM THE CROWD AND THE TRAINER RAISED HIS EYES JUST IN TIME TO WATCH THE RUSSIAN GO FLYING UP IN THE AIR. HIS BACK HIT THE MAT WITH A THUD AND THE REDNECK COLLAPSED ON TOP OF HIM MAKING THE PIN AND WINNING THE MATCH.
THE TRAINER WAS ASTOUNDED. WHEN HE FINALLY GOT HIS WRESTLER ALONE, HE ASKED, "HOW DID YOU EVER GET OUT OF THAT HOLD? NO ONE HAS EVER DONE IT BEFORE!"
THE WRESTLER ANSWERED "WELL, I WAS READY TO GIVE UP WHEN HE GOT ME IN THAT HOLD BUT AT THE LAST MOMENT, I OPENED MY EYES AND SAW THIS PAIR OF TESTICLES RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE. I HAD NOTHING TO LOSE SO WITH MY LAST OUNCE OF STRENGTH I STRETCHED OUT MY NECK AND BIT THOSE BABIES JUST AS HARD AS I COULD."
SO THE TRAINER EXCLAIMED, "THAT'S WHAT FINISHED HIM OFF!"
"NOT REALLY. YOU'D BE AMAZED HOW STRONG YOU GET WHEN YOU BITE YOUR OWN NUTS."

Smart Guy

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted. "Oh, um, I actually hate factories. Can't stand the noise." "I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations." "I hate office work, too" said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a
moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in an office. So what am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

Sure Are....

Two guys are sittin' in a boat fishing and suckin' down beer when all of a sudden Bill says, " I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."

Earl sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

Curly's Joke Of The Day

A man wakes up one morning with a huge erection this one doesn't go away.
After a couple of days, he is really concerned, so he puts on the baggiest pair of trousers which he can find, a loose overcoat and heads for the drug store.
He enters the store and goes to the back to the pharmaceutical section. The lady there asks if she might help him.
He asks to see the male pharmacist. The woman tells him that there is no male pharmacist.
The man starts to leave. The woman says, "Wait a minute, sir; I am a registered pharmacist, as is my sister, and we own the store. We are very professional and discreet and accustomed to personal problems of all kinds. Don't be afraid to see if we may help."
Our poor man is desperate. He edges up to the counter, unzips his trousers, and gets out his "throbber".
He then says, "What can you give me for this?"
The woman says, "How long has it been that way?"
The man responds, "Almost three days".
The woman says, "I will have to consult with my sister, and will be right back.
She leaves and returns in a few minutes.
The man asks, "What did you decide?"
She says, "The best we can do right now is $5,000 and a half interest in the Drug Store".

Gotta Try This...

What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

It's True...

Science magazine came out with a report on the difference between men and women's brains.
Apparently women are more controlled by a part of the brain called singletgyrus.
Men are more controlled by a part of the brain known as the penis.

Drinking binge

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My goodness!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Hand Salute

Sunken Sub Appears to be USS Lagarto
Navy News | June 20, 2006
Pearl Harbor, HI. - Navy divers completed six days of diving operations June 16 on wreckage in the Gulf of Thailand believed to be that of the lost World War II submarine USS Lagarto (SS 371).
San Jose and his fellow divers reported identifying twin 5-inch gun mounts both forward and aft, a feature believed to be unique to Lagarto. They also reported finding serial numbers and the word "Manitowoc" engraved on the submarine's propeller. Lagarto was one of 28 submarines built in Manitowoc, Wisc.
San Jose said that the diving operations were very challenging because of short bottom times, strong currents and limited visibility. Due to the depths involved, the dives had to be conducted with mixed gas.
"We are deeply grateful to the divers of MDSU 1 and USS Salvor for their efforts to confirm this discovery and bring closure to the families of Lagarto's crew," said Pacific Submarine Force commander, Rear Adm. Jeffrey Cassias.
For 60 years, crew members' families did not know the exact circumstances surrounding the 86 submariners who perished. Lagarto was last heard from May 3, 1945, as it was preparing to attack a Japanese convoy under heavy escorts. Japanese war records later revealed that the minelayer Hatsutaka reported sinking a U.S. submarine at roughly the same time and location.
Cassias met May 6 with Lagarto family members at the Wisconsin Maritime Museum in Manitowoc, where a memorial service was held to honor the lost crew. Last year, Wisconsin Gov. Jim Doyle signed a proclamation making May 3, the day the craft was presumed sunk, as USS Lagarto Remembrance Day in perpetuity.
“We owe a great debt to these men, and to all of the World War II submariners,” said Cassias. “In the world's darkest hour, they faced the greatest risks, and demonstrated the most noble courage to preserve the freedom of our nation.”
Lagarto was one of 52 submarines lost on patrol during World War II.

The WWII submarine USS Batfish, is on display here in Oklahoma. It quite a sobering experience to tour it and see what those men went through. It's interesting to note that WWII submarines were the first, in history, to have all electric kitchens. Due to the limited amount of fresh water the cook was the only person who was 'encouraged' to shower on a regular basis, wonder why?

This is Kool

I just hope (almost) the Mad Mullahs of Iran and the Chi Comies read this.

McCain a 'Valiant Shield' Against Submarine Threats
Navy News | Andrew Blanchard | June 20, 2006
USS John S. McCain, At Sea - Participating in Exercise Valiant Shield '06, held June 19–23 in the Guam operating area, USS John S. McCain (DDG 56) firmly established herself as an Anti-submarine Warfare (ASW) expert by sinking five simulated hostile submarines within the first few days of the exercise.
While most ASW exercises involve only one or two submarines, Valiant Shield is far more challenging. The Sailors of John S. McCain, however, met the challenge head on.
“Our [sonar system] enables us to generate real-time sound-velocity profiles, greatly improving our ability to destroy a hostile submarine,” explained Sonar Technician (Surface) 2nd Class (SW) Adam Lee.
Sound-velocity profiles are key in ASW, as they determine how sound travels underwater, which helps McCain Sailors identify where to look for submarines.
A high level of confidence in ASW is common aboard McCain, according to Ensign Justin Ford, the ship’s ASW evaluator.
“We can detect, track, and put weapons downrange on a target within [seconds], which is scary for an enemy submarine,” he said.
A typical submarine engagement follows a basic sequence of events, Ford explained. “First, an underwater contact is classified by sonar control,” Ford said.
“Classifying” submarines involves trying to determine a number of identifying aspects about the submarine, such as its actual type and whether it’s friend or foe.
“It is then evaluated by the combat watch team, and if designated hostile, is immediately engaged by the appropriate weapons system, either by McCain, one of the other ships in the strike group, or a supporting asset,” said Ford.
Valiant Shield '06 is covering more than just ASW simulations. More than 300 Navy, Marine Corps and Air Force aircraft, as well as more than 20 ships from the Navy and Coast Guard, participated in the exercise, which included a range of mission areas.
As John S. McCain demonstrated in the exercise, when state-of-the-art technology is combined with confident Sailors, ships are ‘shielded’ from the submarine threat.

From what I remember about the ASW we did while I was in the Navy they must have been simulating enemy subs cause if 5 of ours came after ya, you would be lucky to get a shot off at one before ya went to Davy Jones locker. The Bubble Heads always sank the bird farm I was on.

Mooslem Repellent

I've been told that there is a Harley in this picture but I'll be damned if I can find it?

Oooops

John was in a bar looking very dejected.
His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."
"Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."

I was one of them...

A scientist from Texas A&M has developed a bra that stops women's breasts from jiggling, and stops their erect nipples from thrusting against the fabric when exposed to cool temperatures.
At a news conference to announce the discovery, a large group of men took the scientist outside and beat the shit out of him.

Memo: Cussing at work

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

Thank You,
Human Resources

You Go Girl!!!

In an e-mail interview with John Hawkins at the Right Wing News Web site, Coulter was asked for comments on several prominent individuals. When the name of Pennsylvania Democrat and ex-Marine Murtha came up, Coulter remarked: "The reason soldiers invented ˜fragging.'"
"Fragging" became a familiar term during the Vietnam War and refers to soldiers trying to kill their own officers.
Coulter's comment made headlines on the Editor & Publisher web site. Editor & Publisher is a newspaper industry publication.
The comment drew a sharp rebuke from conservative Mike Krempasky, who called it "disgusting," according to Editor & Publisher.

As for the Editor & Publisher comments, I would expect nothing else. Mike Kreeminass is not a conservative he is a RINO, if that.
BTW How do I get a date with this woman???

Just think,

if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Art Interpretation

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the black figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a very pink one.
The curator of the gallery noticed the couple were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He explained to them that the painting depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the one bright pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Folks, would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
" Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted the picture," he replied. He proceeded to explain:
"In fact, the men in the picture are NOT African Americans.
They're just three Irish coal miners on a break. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Exam

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door he flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......

Darn it Evelyn !!!!!!!!!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT"

Quote of the Day

You can stand tall without standing on someone. You can be a victor without having victims.
- Harriet Woods

Not sure if he will recover...

John was a crotchety old fellow who always took breakfast with his wife.
He would read the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and today of all days because it was their 25th wedding anniversary.
She fumed, "John! John!! Put down that paper and let's talk about how we are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today.
What do you suggest?"
John put his newspaper down, removed and polished his glasses, stared for a moment into the distance, then said, "How about two minutes of silence?"

Smart Guy

A tractor salesman was passing a farm, where the farmer was plowing the field with a bull. He goes over and offers to sell the farmer a tractor to plow with.
The farmer tells him "I don't need a tractor, I have three new ones at the barn"
Well if you have three new tractors at the barn, why are you plowing this field with that bull, asked the salesman ?
The farmer replied, "This is part of the bulls continuing education, I am teaching him that there is more to farming than fucking and tearing down fences.

Sons Who Make Their Dads Proud

Door Knocker

New Preamble to the Constitution:

This is probably the best e-mail I've seen in a long, long time. The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Aye from GA. This guy should run for President one day...

"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters.
We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes. (This one is my pet peeve...get an education and go to work....don't expect everyone else to take care of you!)

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big sreen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. (AMEN!)

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from! (lastly....)

ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!!!!

If you agree, share this with a friend. No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you if you don't . I just think it's about time common sense is allowed to flourish.
Sensible people of the United States speak out because if you do not, who will?

The Brick!!!

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown. The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?" The young boy was apologetic. "Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do," He pleaded. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop..." With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. "It's my brother, "he said "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up."
Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."
Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. "Thank you and may God bless you," the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy! push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.
It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: "Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!" God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts.
Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not.
Thought for the Day:
If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.
If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.
He sends you flowers every spring.
He sends you a sunrise every morning Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!
Send this to every "beautiful person" you wish to bless.
God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow,sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

Read this line very slowly and let it sink in...
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

This is Good....

A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston Texas.

Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must have it.
He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars if you bring it back," said the owner.

The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat; and I won't be bringing it back."

As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a little bit faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind him grew to over a hundred, and they began squealing.

He started to trot towards the Harbor. He took a nervous look around and saw that the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and they were all squealing and coming towards him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Harbor as he could.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it, and were drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the owner, "You're bringing it back!"

"Actually no," said the man. "I came back to see how much you want for that little bronze Mexican over there!"

'nough said

No Doubt

Girls you know you're on a bad date when:
You order a Double Whopper and he says, "Hey, my name ain't Rockefeller,honey."

Men are like Road Kill
They usually just lie around until they start to smell.

I'll do my part...

"Save the trees: wipe your ass with an owl."

Funny....

Sign in the window of a home cookin' restaurant in Phoenix: ;The best piece of chicken you'll ever get without being a rooster!

Sounds Good To Me...

I found this in the comments of my Blog Fathers, Misha I, site on this post.
Just add some pre-cooked bacon and a Hustler magazine and we should be set.

Lets start a care package program for the poor souls at GITMO..

You know we do it for our troops over here in the Middle Hell, er I mean East…so why not the Detainies as well?

Obviously nothing that could be used as a weapon against the fine men and women charged with the proper care feeding and upkeep of the koranimals would be permitted..but we could probably send them things like…Rope… Or a sturdy electrical cord might do nicely….

Address it to: “Any Detainiee”
U.S Naval Base
Guatanmo Bay Cuba

Good to Know

A Real Friend Test!

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps her/himself.
A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.
A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.
A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.
A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.
A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.
A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it.
A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A real friend calls you after you had a fight.
A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!
A simple friend reads this e-mail and deletes it.
A real friend passes it on and sends it back to you! Pass this on to anyone you care about......if you get it back you have no beginning, no end. It keeps us together, like our Circle of Friends. Today I pass the friendship ball to you. Pass it on to someone who is a friend to you.....
When you are down to nothing ... God is up to something!

Perspective Poor People

One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live.
They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.
On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"
"It was great, Dad."
"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.
"Oh yeah," said the son.
"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered:
"I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.
We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.
Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.
We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.
We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."
The boy's father was speechless.
Then his son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are."
Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Pass this on to friends and acquaintances and help them refresh their perspective and appreciation.
"Life is too short and friends are too few."

AMEN TO THIS ONE!!!!!!!!!!!

Funny....

How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
Because they have cotton balls.

Good One...

Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and New York.
Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.
"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.
"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!"
A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window.
"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Florida.
"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!"
Inspired, the gal from Florida opened the car door and pushed the New Yorker out.

Yep...

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll.
"Would you like male of female?"
"Female, please."
"Would you like Black, or White?"
"White, please."
"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"
This question confused the man . . . and he replied,
"What has the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"
"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

Uh Well...

You Are a Black and White Cookie

You're often conflicted in life, and you feel pulled in two opposite directions. When you're good, you're sweet as sugar. And when you're bad, you're wicked!

What Kind of Cookie Are You?

Hand Salute

Navy Monument Sought at Normandy
Charlotte Observer | June 06, 2006

They were among the first to hit the beach as dawn broke 62 years ago today, both teenagers on D-Day -- the greatest amphibious invasion ever mounted, to liberate Europe from the Nazis.

Before the start at 6:30 a.m., Navy pharmacist mate Bill Lowrance of Mooresville was attached to a beach battalion, sent ashore at Omaha Beach in Normandy, France, to clear mines and other obstacles and open boat lanes.

Minutes later, Navy helmsman Joe McClellan of Charlotte made the first of three landings that day on one of 4,000 stubby, front-ramped landing craft, each time pushing five Sherman tanks and 10 tank operators onto the beach.

Without the Navy, they say, there would have been no D-Day.

"You had to have a way to get the troops to the beach," McClellan said. "We did it."

Yet more than six decades later, the Navy is the lone American military service without a monument at Normandy -- a surprise to Lowrance, 80, and McClellan, 81. The Naval Order of the United States aims to raise $500,000 to correct that oversight.

"The Navy's focus was always on the Pacific; the European theater was an Army affair. That, I think, is why there's no monument at Normandy," said Greg Streeter, chairman of the order's Navy Normandy Monument Committee.

The naval order has unveiled the model of a bronzed 12-foot-tall memorial by Alabama sculptor Stephen Spears. France has donated land at Utah Beach, one of the five beachheads, and committed to maintaining it.

The invasion was a rare hinge in history -- its outcome could have gone either way and the war with it.

Nothing was complex about the strategy. There was a 50-mile stretch of beach, with the Germans dug into dauntingly sheer cliffs overhead. The Allied troops had to make it up and over to get into France -- and eventually to Berlin.

By 6:30 a.m. the English Channel was black with 6,939 Allied vessels, led by six battleships, 22 cruisers, 93 destroyers and a variety of landing craft.

"About the time we touched the beach, all hell busted loose," McClellan said.

The fighting was fiercest at Omaha Beach, where Lowrance and McClellan spent the day getting men and equipment ashore. By nightfall, the Allies, landing about 156,000 troops by sea and air, had breached Hitler's Atlantic Wall at a great cost.

Of the estimated 10,000 Allied casualties, 2,500 died. Bodies lay everywhere.

As always on June 6, Lowrance and McClellan will reflect today on their part in the invasion. These days it takes longer to purge the bad memories.

Lowrance recalls the notes dying soldiers had written in sand. One read: "Tell my family how I died."

"When you're young and busy, you can move on easier," Lowrance said. "But now at 80, your mind just sticks on that day. You wonder why you're still living, after so many died."

To learn more about the Navy Normandy Monument project or make a tax-deductible donation, go to www.navalorder.org, or call (866) 794-3329.

Or make out checks to Naval Order Foundation with "Normandy" on the memo line and mail to Naval Order Foundation, P.O. Box 583, Glenview, Ill., 60025-0583.

So True....

Luck is when opportunity knocks, and you answer.
—Anonymous

THIS IS SOME GOOD ADVICE!

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout! run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want what lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Quote of the Day

If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Uh, well uh, Just read....

Morality police turn witch hunters
Jun 5, 8:29 AM (ET)

RIYADH (Reuters) - Saudi Arabia's powerful morality police is launching a witch hunt in the birthplace of Islam.
The Authority for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice is setting up special centers in all cities to "register complaints on sorcerers and charlatans, track them and terminate them," the authority's chief Sheikh Ibrahim bin Abdallah al-Ghaith told al-Madinah newspaper.
Islam forbids magic and practicing it is considered blasphemy.
Saudi newspapers often report incidents involving so-called sorcerers, mainly from the Indian subcontinent and Africa.
Some Saudis pay them vast amounts of money, hoping to uncover hidden treasures or get jobs, according to the papers.
The religious police have wide powers in Saudi Arabia, which imposes a strict version of Sunni Islam, to prevent the spread of drugs, alcohol and prostitution as well as stop unrelated men and women mixing in public.

Golf

A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man, you'll never hit her from here!"

It doesn't?

Did you hear about the Irish guy who thought that Alcoholics Anonymous meant drinking under an assumed name?

Good

To truly love another, you must first love yourself.
And it wouldn't kill you to wash your hands in between either.

Men Beware!!!!

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" or Gentlemens Club in the phone book.

So True....

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from the hills of NC arrives and bets twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...

"YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know -- I thought you were watching."

Moral - Not all rednecks are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men...

Yep that was me...

Little Johnny Jr. says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy
this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
"Well, you've done the right thing," says Mommy
"But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."

Mooslem Repellent

Sounds Good To Me...

A win/win situation. Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border, take the dirt and raise the levees in New Orleans , and then put the Florida alligators into the border moat!
Any other problems you would like for me to solve?

1981 / 2005

Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions Of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died

Year 2005

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions Of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died

Lesson Learned? - the next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope!

MY CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008

Here we are already discussing the future President of the United States in the Year 2008.
Well, I have my own candidate and I'm sure that once you know who I'm for, you will also agree.
For those of you who would like another choice for President, I have the best solution:
It is probably time we have a woman as President. My choice, and I hope yours as well, is a very special Lady that has all the answers to our problems.

PLEASE give it a thought when you have a moment....





Maxine on "Driver Safety" "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".......

Maxine on "Housework" "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."

Maxine on "Lawn Care" "The ! key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

Maxine on "The Perfect Man" "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

Maxine on "Technology Revolution" "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."

Maxine on "Aging" "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."

Never read the fine print.
There ain't no way you're going to like it.

If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere, you may be dead.

If you don't forward this to ten of your friends within the next five minutes, your belly button will fall off.
Really... it's true! Have I ever lied to you?

So don't forget, November 2008: VOTE FOR MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

Yep...

A 'touchy-feely' CNN reporter, while interviewing a Marine sniper asked, "What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist."
The Marine shrugged and replied, "Recoil ."

New sign at the gas station

Uh can't add much more....

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer
Be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore .

LEARN HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY- ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER.


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3 He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in " FOLLICLE REGRESSION"

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8 He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"