Hay

Gonna have eys surgery today. Posting will be light for a bit.

Yep....

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.>
Complain, nag, complain, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet,caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

Hay

Great to hear from ya holiday!!!!
Sorry bout the light posting, new lady in life!!!!!!!!!!
Will be posting more soon...

The proper way to serve your man a beer...

Population figures

The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are, Sitting on your ass, At your computer, reading jokes.
Nice...
Real nice

Yep....

The 3rd man in history to walk on water
The 1st one was Christ...
The 2nd one was Peter (the apostle)...
Then there was this guy Jose



Thanks Bro...

Diver Meets Guy Underwater

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?"
The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

Thanks Bill...

MEDICAL INSURANCE EXPLAINED

(Research done by the AARP Legal Department)
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.
Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

To Your Good Health (because as you'll see, you'll need it!),

No Comment....

Replacement of Mouse Balls...

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face.
This was a real memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all seriousness.
It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine.
The engineers rolled on the floor!
Especially note the last couple of sentences.
Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse ball by examining the underside of the mouse.
Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
That ain't no shit
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method.
Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer. That ain't no shit either...

Thanks Neenie

Prison Break

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a Chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain , do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong honey. I love you!
His wife responds, "he wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong Hon., I Love you, too!"

Good One....

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men.

Thanks Mom...

Update...

Well with the comments from the Irish jokes...
Why did G-d invent Jack Danials?
Cause fat ugly girls want to get laid to...

St. Patricks day...

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These
*************************************************************************
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, Looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. " Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of Beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

That might me...
********************************************************************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink Is driving home from the city one night and, Of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, Where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," Slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite A few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
************************************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya"..
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
Is dead and gone. I'm sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee."

That's me...
***************************************************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after His Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?
"She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

Thanks Mom...

NOW YOU KNOW!!

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. Body waste.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling or filtering and/or fermenting.
WATER = Poop
WINE = HEALTH
Ergo: It is better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I am doing it as a public service.

Thanks B

Greenie Tree Hugging Lady Activist

Although not often enough, sometimes what goes around comes around..
The head Greenie Tree Hugging Lady Activist, who was responsible for getting horses banned from National Parks and State Forests, was climbing a big tree to have a look out over the forestry when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site. In a panic to make her escape, she slid down the tree, getting many splinters in the crotch of her designer shorts.
In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest Doctor, told him she was an environmentalist, and how she got all the splinters. The Doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She waited for three hours before the Doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded: "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her: "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forestry Service, National Parks and Wildlife Service, Rural Fire Service, and Conservation and Land Management, before I could remove "Old Growth Timber" from a recreational area... I am sorry but they ALL turned me down."

Shopping at Target

A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Target. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Target.
We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.
The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in, "Mom, let's run through the rain," she said.
"What?" Mom asked.
"Let's run through the rain!" She repeated.
"No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mom replied.
This young child waited about another minute and repeated, "Mom, let's run through the rain."
"We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said.
"No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning," the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.
"This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?"
"Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!'"
The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes.
Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.
"Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If God let's us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing," Mom said.
Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.
And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.
Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories... So, don't forget to make time and take opportunities to make memories everyday. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.
I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them. Send this to the people you'll never forget and remember to also send it to the person who sent it to you. It's a short message to let them know that you'll never forget them.
If you don't send it to anyone, it means you're in a hurry.
Take the time to live!!!
Keep in touch with your friends, you never know when you'll need each other -- and don't forget to run in the rain!

Thanks B

Yep...

Thanks Bill

Use Condoms Please

A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order.
One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man.
"WOW! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"
The man looked at him in disgust and said, I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"
So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"
The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."

Buba Goes Hang-Gliding

Back in Kentucky, you didn't see too many people hang-gliding.
Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge -- and into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin' about the good ol' days when Maw spots the biggest bird she had ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims. Paw straightens up and says, "Git my gun, Maw."
She runs into the house and brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG...BANG...BANG! The monster-size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"

Thanks Neenie

Yep....

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?" Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on.."
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

That reminds me, need to get the Sporty back on the road. When I'm riding it I'm riding a lot more of God's invention....

From the mouths of babes....

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's fat!"
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"
The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then, her pager! begi n to emit a beep, beep,beep.

The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!"

Thanks Mom...

Some of the best quotes from "Cheers":

What's shaking, Norm?" "All four cheeks & a couple of chins."
"What's new, Normie?" "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."
"What'd you like, Normie?" "A reason to live. Give me another beer."
"What'll you have, Normie?" "Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of the tap." "Looks like beer, Norm." "Call me Mister Lucky."
"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?" "Like a baby treats a diaper."
"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?" "The Bobsey Twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."
"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you." "I know, if she calls, I'm not here."
"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?" "A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"
"Whatcha up to, Norm?" "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?" "Poor." "I'm sorry to hear that." "No, I mean pour."
"How's life treating you, Norm?" "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."
"Women. Can't live with 'em.... pass the beer nuts."
"What's going down, Normie?" "My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" "Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."
"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?" "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
"What's the story, Norm?" "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."
"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" "A little early, isn't it, Woody?" "For a beer?" "No, for stupid questions."

Thanks Neenie

Classic...

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked,
"What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole. So, He sent me."

Little Johnny

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard. Equally unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home. Panicking, she puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.
The little Johnny says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250"
A few weeks later, the same situation occurs and the boy and his mother's lover end up in the cupboard again.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "£750" Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."
The father says, "What?! How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. That was a very wrong thing to do, son. I think we ought to pay a visit to the church and ask the Lord to forgive you for your greed."
They go to the church and the father seats the little boy in the confession booth and closes the door.
Little Johnny says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again. You're in my cupboard now."

I may take up golf...