Pictures taken at just the right angle

THINK ABOUT THIS FOR A MOMENT

The Mining Journal News, Marquette , MI
This text is from a county emergency manager out in the western part of Michigan after a snow storm last winter
WEATHER BULLETIN
Up here in the Northern Plains we just recovered from a Historic event--- may I even say a "Weather Event" of "Biblical Proportions" --- with a historic blizzard of up to 44" inches of snow and winds to 90 MPH that broke trees in half, knocked down utility poles, stranded hundreds of motorists in lethal snow banks, closed ALL roads, isolated scores of communities and cut power to 10's of thousands.
FYI:
George Bush did not come.
FEMA did nothing.
No one howled for the government.
No one blamed the government.
No one even uttered an expletive on TV.
Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton did not visit.
Our Mayor did not blame Bush or anyone else.
Our Governor did not blame Bush or anyone else either
CNN, ABC, CBS, FOX, or NBC did not visit - or report on this category 5 snow storm nobody demanded $2,000 debit cards.
No one asked for a FEMA Trailer House.
No one looted.
Nobody - I mean Nobody demanded the government do something.
Nobody expected the government to do anything either.
No Larry King, No Bill O'Rielly, No Oprah, No Chris Mathews and No Geraldo Rivera.
No Sean Penn, No Barbara Striesand, No Hollywood types to be found.
Nope, we just melted the snow for water.
Sent out caravans of SUV's to pluck people out of snow engulfed cars.
The truck drivers pulled people out of snow banks and didn't ask for a penny.
Local restaurants made food, and the police and fire departments delivered it to the snow bound families..
Families took in the stranded people - total strangers.
We Fired up wood stoves, broke out coal oil lanterns or Coleman lanterns.
We put on extra layers of clothes because up here it is "Work or Die".
We did not wait for some affirmative action government to get us out of a mess created by being immobilized by a welfare program that trades votes for 'sittin at home' checks.
Even though a Category "5" blizzard of this scale has never fallen this early, we know it can happen and how to deal with it ourselves. "In my many travels, I have noticed that once one gets north of about 48 degrees North Latitude, 90% of the world's social problems evaporate."
It does seem that way, at least to me.
I hope this gets passed on.. Maybe . SOME people will get the message
The world does Not owe you a living

Yep...

Two guys and I are sitting in a bar having a few drinks together. One guy says, "So tell me, what do you do to drive your wife wild?"
"Well," says the second guy, "After making love, I go out to the garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and sprinkle them all over her body. Then I blow them off with a soft breath that drives her wild."
Next guy says, "After making love, I get some baby oil and massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!"
I say, "When me and the old lady are through, I jump out of bed
and wipe my cock on the curtain. Drives her nuts!"

That splains a few things...

Why there are fewer illegals in the north: The Minnesota Border Patrol . . .

Redneck Time Out...

Christmas Present

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. Pastor Mike was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures.
Immediately, Pastor Mike turned towards the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.
Pastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant? "Jimmy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take him?"
With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it."

Drinking Like Crazy

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack".
The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another". The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."
The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."
The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

A Soldier's Christmas

Twas The Night Before Christmas,
He Lived All Alone,
In A One Bedroom House
Made Of Plaster And Stone.

I Had Come Down The Chimney
With Presents To Give,
And To See Just Who
In This Home Did Live.

I Looked All About,
A Strange Sight I Did See,
No Tinsel, No Presents,
Not Even A Tree.

No Stocking By Mantle,
Just Boots Filled With Sand,
On The Wall Hung Pictures
Of Far Distant Lands.

With Medals And Badges,
Awards Of All Kinds,
A Sober Thought
Came Through My Mind.

For This House Was Different,
It Was Dark And Dreary,
I Found The Home Of A Soldier,
Once I Could See Clearly.

The Soldier Lay Sleeping,
Silent, Alone,
Curled Up On The Floor
In This One Bedroom Home.

The Face Was So Gentle,
The Room In Such Disorder,
Not How I Pictured
A United States Soldier.

Was This The Hero
Of Whom I'd Just Read?
Curled Up On A Poncho,
The Floor For A Bed?

I Realized The Families
That I Saw This Night,
Owed Their Lives To These Soldiers
Who Were Willing To Fight.

Soon Round The World,
The Children Would Play,
And Grownups Would Celebrate
A Bright Christmas Day.

They All Enjoyed Freedom
Each Month Of The Year,
Because Of The Soldiers,
Like The One Lying Here.

I Couldn't Help Wonder
How Many Lay Alone,
On A Cold Christmas Eve
In A Land Far From Home.

The Very Thought
Brought A Tear To My Eye,
I Dropped To My Knees
And Started To Cry.

The Soldier Awakened
And I Heard A Rough Voice,
"Santa Don't Cry,
This Life Is My Choice;

I Fight For Freedom,
I Don't Ask For More,
My Life Is My God,
My Country, My Corps."

The Soldier Rolled Over
And Drifted To Sleep,
I Couldn't Control It,
I Continued To Weep.

I Kept Watch For Hours,
So Silent And Still
And We Both Shivered
From The Cold Night's Chill.

I Didn't Want To Leave
On That Cold, Dark, Night,
This Guardian Of Honor
So Willing To Fight.

Then The Soldier Rolled Over,
With A Voice Soft And Pure,
Whispered, "Carry On Santa,
It's Christmas Day, All Is Secure."

One Look At My Watch,
And I Knew He Was Right.
"Merry Christmas My Friend,
And To All A Good Night

Air Force, Army, Marines, Coast Guard, Navy

A Marine stationed in Okinawa Japan wrote this poem.
The following is his request:

"PLEASE. Would you do me the kind favor of sending this to as many people as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our U.S. service men and women for our being able to celebrate these festivities.
Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our heroes, living and dead,who sacrificed themselves for us. Please, do your small part to plant this small seed.

Proof that marriage exists in the animal kingdom...

Great Signs

Out of the mouths of babes

This is a story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe we can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems in the rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly responded, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."
"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house this week too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock..."
Kind of brings a tear to the eye, don't it?

So True....

These are the remains of a 10,000 year old liberal that was recently unearthed. Things haven't changed much at all!
(source: National Geographic, August 2006)

Santa's Willy

Scroll down and you'll see Santa's willy!


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For Crying out loud.........Act your age........ there is no Santa

For grandparents...and others

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at one?"
**************
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy sweatshirt and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
**************
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
**************
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
**************
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
************
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure some of these out yourself!"
***********
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
************
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."
************
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said cautiously, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'"
***********
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
************
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No, said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

yup...

What's just 2.5 inches long and can satisfy any woman Every time?

Can you spot Little Johnny...

Wanna die cat?

Thanks Scott

One big mouse...

Thanks Scott

Elderly couple

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out With each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they Decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they Went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their Marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and So on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the Subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" He asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say, I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then, looking over His glasses, he casually asked, "Is that one word or two words?

Just A Biker

I saw you hug your purse closer to you in the grocery store line.
You didn't see me put an extra $10.00 in the collection plate last Sunday.
I saw you pull your child closer when we passed each other on the sidewalk.
You didn't see me playing Santa at the local mall.
I saw you change your mind about going into the restaurant.
You didn't see me attending a meeting to raise more money for the hurricane relief.
I saw you roll up your window and shake your head when I rode by
You didn't see me driving behind you when you flicked your cigarette butt out the car window.
I saw you frown at me when I smiled at your children.
You didn't see me when I took time off from work to run toys to the homeless.
I saw you stare at my long hair.
You didn't see me and my friends cut ten inches of it off for Locks of Love.
I saw you roll your eyes at our leather coats and gloves.
You didn't see me and my brothers donate our old coats and gloves to those that had none.
I saw you look in fright at my tattoos.
You didn't see me cry as my children were born and having their name tattooed on my skin and in my heart.
I saw you change lanes while rushing off to go somewhere.
You didn't see me going home to be with my family.
I saw you complain about how loud and noisy our bikes can be.
You didn't see me when you were changing the CD and drifted into my lane.
I saw you yelling at your kids in the car.
You didn't see me pat my child's hands knowing he was safe behind me.
I saw you reading the newspaper or map as you drove down the road.
You didn't see me squeeze my wife's leg when she told me to take the next turn.
I saw you race down the road in the rain.
You didn't see me get soaked to the skin so my son could have the car to go on his date.
I saw you run the yellow light just to save a few minutes of time.
You didn't see me trying to turn right.
I saw you cut me off because you needed to be in the lane I was in.
You didn't see me leave the road.
I saw you waiting impatiently for my friends to pass.
You didn't see me I wasn't there.
I saw you go home to your family.
You didn't see me, because I died that day you cut me off.
To you I was just a biker, not a person with a family and friends.
You didn't see me and now they will never see me again

ooooops

That ain't no Shit...

I'll have a Heinie...

Thanks Scott...

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and.....
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells

So True....

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter "Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Dude!"
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says ..
Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

How to save the airlines.........

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell - the attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.
And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. Hell, I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working and have them kick back 20% of the tips.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right - a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

Little Johnny

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked
Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, little Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The nun fainted...........

Hand Salute

This is the USS Reagan passing the USS Arizona memorial. On this (I know day after) rememberance of Pearl Harbor I ask that we all keep our thoughts and prayers for those who were there and those who serve now. I to have had the honor of being able to salute the USS Arizona as the USS Coral Sea passed.



USS REAGAN
Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into perspective...................ENORMOUS
Just thought some of you that don't realize what it takes to run a ship this size might be interested in the facts.
Please read about the USS Reagan. Also notice the respect that they give the Arizona Memorial when passing it.

USS REAGAN PASSING THE ARIZONA MEMORIAL
BEAUTIFUL!
When the Bridge pipes "Man the Rail" there is a lot of rail to man on this monster. Shoulder to shoulder around 4 acres. This doesn't give her displacement but it's about 100,000 tons with full complements.
Capability
Top speed exceeds 30 knots
Powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling
Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years
Carries over 80 combat aircraft
Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet
Size
Towers 20 stories above the waterline
1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall
Flight deck covers 4.5 acres
4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds
2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons
4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet
Dates
Dec. 8, 1994 Contract awarded to Newport News Shipbuilding
Feb 12, 1998 Keel laid
Oct 1, 2000 Pre-commissioning Unit established
March 4, 2001 Christened by Mrs. Nancy Reagan
May 5, 2003 First underway
July 12, 2003 Commissioned
July 23, 2004 Arrived at homeport in San Diego, CA
Capacity
Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel
Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days
18,150 meals served daily
Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2000 homes
Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones, 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets
Costs the Navy approximately $250,000 per day for pier side operation
Costs the Navy approximately $2.5 million per day for underway operations (Sailor's salaries included

Quote of the Day

Americanism means the virtues of courage, honor, justice, truth, sincerity, and hardihood -- the virtues that made America.
- Theodore Roosevelt, 1917

In Honor of Stupid People . . . .

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)...

Thanks Neenie

Here's one for ya Holiday...

I'll leave AIM up and running so we can IM, cept I've pounded down quite a few tonight and have work tommerrow.

Hay

Well Holiday just left his first comments from Iraq!!!
I'm working on my first care package so dude if there is anything ya want just let me know in the comments.
You Rock.

Guy Joke...

An Atheists Hell
A young lady came home from a date looking rather sad. She told her mother, "Arthur proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

Don't mess with female drivers

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger?
I don't think so.