The Eulogy...

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died
But she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,
"Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs.

This sounds very resonable to me.

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:
8:00am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40am walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing!
11:00pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:
Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat,while the other inmates and myself are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released --and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe....... for now....

wimmin's med's

???????????

I was thinking about this to start with but with sig94's comment...
Caption Contest!!!

The first sign that you are gay!!!!!

Military Cutbacks

My Deer Stand....

Purina Diet

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.
I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.
I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

Thanks B

Yep....

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

Chinese laundry

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes:
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him: "I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!!"

Sons...

And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like...
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Thanks Neenie

That ain't no Shit...

A Guy walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter you'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a five-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year. In addition you can expect bonuses and tips"
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . .you started it."

Thanks Neenie

Works for me....

Thanks Mom...

ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was Carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies "These are not pigs these Are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says,
"Excellent trade, sir."

WHITE LIE CAKE

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of the ladies who bake for church events.
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for Scout camp. When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake.
This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom a roll of Toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect. Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom. Alice was horrified-she was beside herself. Everyone would know. What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back. The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon, bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose the fact Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVPd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home. The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South and to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert. Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake. She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake". Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess, who was a prominent church member, say,
"Thank you, I baked it myself". Alice smiled and thought to herself,
"God is good".

oooops Sorry didn't know.

I have no objection to your posting it on your site, but I would be grateful
if proper attribution could be given.
This should read:

C Peter Wales 1997

With a note that any use in a church bulletin or elsewhere should also
contain proper attribution

Texas Poll on Immigration--

The latest telephone poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem:
A) 35% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
B) 65% of respondents answered: "No es una problema serio."

Thanks Neenie

Dog Pack Kills Alligator In Florida

At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.
The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the apex predator in its natural eco-system, can still fall victim to implemented team work strategy, made possible by the tight knit social structure and survival of the fittest pack mentality bred into canines over the last thousands of years by natural selection.
See the remarkable photograph attached, courtesy of Nature Magazine.
Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing, while the remainder of the pack prevents the beast from rolling.

Beware! This is not for the squeamish!

Scroll down for photo.......



Yah...got me, too.

Thanks Neenie...

It's pronounced Okla ---- homa

The proper way to pronounce Oklahoma is " Okla .....homa" (there's a pause between the A and the H). An example is attached.

Taking the wife hunting.............

MODERN POLICE CARS

Thanks Sig94

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Yep....

Make Up Job, $60
Boob Job, $6000


Forgetting To Tuck In Your Nuts... Priceless

Good Boy!!!!!!

The new 2007 HOOTERS calander

Thanks Mom...

I'll help too...

I have been all worked up by the e-mails and news articles that report on the data related to illegal immigrants. Today, I received this one from a friend who pointed out “the rest of the story” about illegal immigration that, admittedly, I had not considered.
Possibly, we do need to rethink our hard line stance and consider the alternative this writer employed.
You know how I have felt about illegal Wetback immigrants in this country:
I've ranted and raved and carried on about them for years.
That changed six months ago when I met the surviving members of the Lopez family. Once I heard the tragic story of how they were orphaned by a mudslide in Mexico that left them with little more than the sombreros on their heads, my heart melted and I could not help but reach out to embrace them.
Accordingly, in defiance of United States immigration policies, I have taken them into my home and given them a semblance of the family they tragically lost.
While that action has been tremendously gratifying, it has not come without significant personal hardship and sacrifice. The cost of providing for the needs of seven new family members has been substantial.
But, we need to remember that we are a nation of immigrants. It may not be wise to close the door just because we are fortunate enough to already be inside. Consider the emotional rewards that would be yours just by opening your heart and your home to likes of the Lopez orphans, all seven of which are pictured below.

THE LOPEZ FAMILY



Thanks Mom...

Nancy Pelosi's Birthday Wish Comes True.....

That ain't no Shit...

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Thanks Mom...

Only in Minnesota

A Swedish Doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he told his assistant,...."Ya Ole, I am going hunting tomorrow and ve don't vant to close the clinic. I vant you to take care of the clinic and take care of our patients".
"Yes, sir..." answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: "So Ole, how vas your day?"
Ole tells him he took care of 3 patients.
The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.
"Ya sure Ole, and the second one?" says the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Ole.
"Ya sure, you betcha Ole! You're good at this and vhat about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I vas sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a voman enters like a flame, she pulls off her dress, flings her long undervear in the corner and lies down on the table and shout s "HELP ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!!!!!"
And vhat did you do Ole?" asks the doctor.
"I put eye drops in her eyes."

Thanks Mom...

White Man Ways vs. Indian Ways

Two Eagles, an old Indian chief, sat in his hut on the reservation smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.
One US official said to Chief Two Eagles, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he has done." The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the two government officials for over a minute, and then he calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, and all night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled before he added, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

Thanks Mom...

THE CAT

(You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!)
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Ever Party. We turned
on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet
and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and
we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the
yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house
because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat
runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't
want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she
explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going
upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as
we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke
her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I
grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her
from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and
threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.

Thanks Mom...

So True....

Click on image for larger view.

Storytime...

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

Funny....

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer.
Dinner was on the stove, ansd the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who work full time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.
The night went well, and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry, and put it away. I really enj oyed the evening."
"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.
"Oh, that. . . . Ralph was too tired."

Thanks Neenie