The World's Shortest Books:

FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac
______________________________________
Famous Asian Race Car Drivers By Sum Ting Wong
______________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore
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MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
_________________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
_________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill Clinton
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MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden
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THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates
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THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
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THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE by Al Gore & John Kerry
_______________________________________
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
___________________________________
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J Kevorkian
______________________________
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes and Rosie O'Donnel
____________________________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson
_________________________________
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
____________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O.J. Simpson
_________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES by Ted Kennedy
___________________________________
MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

Thanks Neenie

Drunks

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself. "Oh, no...Now my wife will kill me!"
Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill." So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says, Now-waina-minit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many! and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."

"Oh, yeah.. I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

Thanks Neenie

Hay

Know the joke have been kind of hit and miss lately guess what?
I'm Engaged!!!!!!!
ya that's right.
Will post more when I can.

Rules For Entering Texas

Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
It's called a 'gravel road'. I drive a pickup truck because I need to.
No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
They are pigs, cattle, and oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.
So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have 3 quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive three weeks a year.
So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
Trucks are made to get dirty. Don't bring your Eddie Bauer Limited Edition to my
hunting camp and expect to leave clean on Sunday. It won'thappen.
We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, well if that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in,we Will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
Go ahead and bring your $800 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle.
We have a name for that little 13-inch trout you fish for---bait.
Yeah, we eat catfish, carp, and crawdads. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you jack-slapped, by our women.
Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to.
Our women are some of the best looking in the country.We open doors for women. That
applies to everyone regardless of age.
No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
When we fill out a table there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables,and breads. We use three spices- salt, pepper, and Tabasco Sauce.
You bring "Coke" into my house it better be brown, wet, served over ice, and plenty of it.
You bring "Mary Jane" to my house she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar, some lemon, and a long spoon.
That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid for that shot in the airport at New York, Boston, Chicago, or L.A.
High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards - it spooks the fish.
Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come out of there with an educationand a love for God
and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the
holidays.
We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so, "Don't Mess
With Texas". If you do it will get your butt kicked bythe best!
Our Military is only used as a back up. Per capita, each man, woman, and child owns at least two firearms and has taken a NRA Certified Shooter Education Course.
Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston once said, "Texas can make it without the
United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas.

My mouse stopped working....

Thanks Neenie....

Yep....

A young farm lad from North Iowa goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at Iowa State that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.......)

Thanks Bro....

Nuff Said

Thanks Neenie...

Balloon Art

Thanks Neenie...

What about both...

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley; and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies. Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit; and soon he, too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing, and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
(Yep, you bet there IS a moral!)
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

Thanks Neenie...

Yes...

Can you read this?
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be
in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.

Thanks Neenie....

Sex toy for Dogs....

Thanks Neenie...

And my family is German and British...

Thanks Neenie...

Cat in the Hat on Aging

Thanks Neenie...

Sometimes a man can't do a thing to please his wife.

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite !!!!!"

Thanks Neenie...

Garfield on the oil crisis

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
Well, there's a very simple answer.Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in
ALASKA
California
Coastal Florida
Coastal Louisiana
Kansas
Oklahoma
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, DC!!!
Any Questions???
NO? Didn't think So.

Thanks Neenie...

Mothers Day, Late....

The Ellen Show was on and she read this submission to a contest from a viewer:
So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.
Well, we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick.
LOVES IT. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.
Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.
We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped.
And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.
And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.
And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.

Thanks Neenie...

The Blonde and the Deodorant

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don''t have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."

Thanks Bill...

Amazing Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be too afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
8. Chapped lips? Rub chicken poop on them. It won't ease the chapping, but it will keep you from licking them.
9. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are. You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
And finally.....Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
One out of every four people suffer from a mental disorder. If you have three friends, and none of them have a problem well.... you do the math!

Thanks Neenie

P.S. I like #3....

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're it.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Thoughts for the weekend
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
But Most Of All Remember
A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To your heart.

Thanks Neenie

GETTING OLDER!!!

Thanks Neenie...

Yep...

That ain't no Shit...

This isn't far from the truth!___________________________________________________
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C..
One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some Measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!
How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.

Thanks Mom

Oh yea....

So ya think ya can out drink me....




Thanks Neenie, we know....

Only need two....

Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works?
Well....it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:
Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.
A man has only 2 balls and they take up all his thoughts.



Thanks Neenie

Securing a Building

One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

Something to Offend Everyone

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? *
*Juan on Juan*
What is a Yankee?*
*The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. *
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ? *
*The position of the dirt bag *
Why is divorce so expensive? *
*Because it's worth it. *
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? *
*Doughnuts*
Why is air a lot like sex? *
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. *
What do you call a smart blonde? *
*A golden retriever.*
What do attorneys use for birth control? *
*Their personalities.*
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? *
*10 years and 45 lbs*
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? *
*45 minutes*
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? *
*Through his chest with a sharp knife. *
Why do men want to marry virgins? *
*They can't stand criticism *
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? *Because those men already have boyfriends. *
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? *
*After a year, the dog is still excited to see you *
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? *
*The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. *
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? *
*Because they have cotton balls. *
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? *
*A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. *
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? *
"Are you sure it's mine?" *
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? *
*Mace will do that to you. *
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ? *
*Everyone has the same DNA. *
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? *
*Breasts don't have eyes. *
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? *
*Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. *
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? *
*A different bar.*
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby? *
*They named him "Sum Ting Wong". *
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? *
*A speech impediment.*
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? *
*They're hiring.*
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? *
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe". *
*How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? *
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! *
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? *
*A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins *
*"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.... *
Why is there no Disneyland in China ? *
*No one's tall enough to go on the good rides *

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont , Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my sisters, who lives in Pflugerville, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas
I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time "working girl".
All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hilary Clinton for President?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

Cell Phone Rudness

Some of you know that one of my pet peeves is the almost constant use of cell phones by people while driving or shopping , dining , in line at the store etc. Does no one know how to say (I'll call you right back)? Well, it has gone beyond that now with them using them at the beach. This is beyond being inconsiderate, in my opinion.
While I was there recently, I had to just sit there and listen to this woman for two full hours while she talked on her cell phone and pranced back forth in front of me. I couldn't concentrate on my book.

How rude can she be?

If you know her, please tell herbe considerate of others!

VERY VERY IRRITATING ! ! ! !
This simply must stop!

In case you were wondering what a "nappy headed ho" looks like.

Thanks Mom...

Deep Thoughts from SuperModels

1. ON COURAGE "They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind."
-- Cindy Crawford
2. ON SELF-KNOWLEDGE "Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I learned I am not my cleavage."
-- Carole Mallory
3. ON POVERTY "Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery."
-- Beverly Johnson
4. ON FATE "I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that."
-- Christie Brinkley
5. ON PSYCHOLOGY "I loved making 'Rising Sun'. I got into the psychology of why she liked to get strangled and tied up in plastic bags. It has to do with low self-worth."
-- Tatjana Patitz
6. ON ARRIVING "Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take."
-- Kathy Ireland, star of 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island'
7. ON CAREER CHOICES "My boyfriend thinks I lost my true calling to be a librarian."
-- Paulina Porizkova
8. ON PRIORITIES "I would rather exercise than read a newspaper."
-- Kim Alexis
9. ON GEOPOLITICS "Mick Jagger and I just really liked each other a lot. We talked all night. We had the same views on nuclear disarmament."
-- Jerry Hall
10. ON INNER STRENGTH "I love the confidence that makeup gives me."
-- Tyra Banks
11. ON DEATH "Richard doesn't really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes I can't help it."
-- Cindy Crawford
12. ON TRAVEL "I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen anything. I don't really care."
-- Tyra Banks
13. ON BREAKTHROUGHS "Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling."
-- Gabrielle Reece
14. ON EPIPHANY "I just found out that I'm one inch taller than I thought."
-- Christie Brinkley
15. ON HEREDITY "My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, 'What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'"
-- Beverly Johnson
16. ON THE BASICS "It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout."
-- Cheryl Tiegs
17. ON INTRODUCTIONS "I think most people are curious about what it would be like to be able to meet yourself -- it's eerie."
-- Christy Turlington
18. ON COURTSHIP "The soundtrack to 'Indecent Exposure' is a romantic mix of music that I know most women love to hear, so I never keep it far from me when women are nearby."
-- Fabio
19. ON PARADOX "Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone."
-- Tatjana Patitz