Ouch....

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories.
I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."
Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository.
She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository.
Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!"
"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks.
"No... I just realized that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!"

Little Johnny Grows Up...

Johnny walked into his office and told his male co-workers that his wife had given him an ultimatum: until he quit drinking beer, he wasn't going to get any sex.
They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?"
And he replied: "Until my girlfriend dies or I get arthritis of the wrist."

Funny....

At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.
======================================================================
Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on, indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served.
One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled,
"Who turned on the fucking lights!?"
"Oh, no, sir, " the nearest flight attendant replied.
"Those are the breakfast lights.
You slept through the 'fucking lights'."

This is interesting....

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Why she left...

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. Then I caught her spending $85.00 on make-up, $150 for a cut & color, $30 for a manicure, $40 for a pedicure, $50 on vitamins, $900 on clothes and $600 for a gym membership. I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her. She said she needed it to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for. I don't think she's coming back.

Blonde Moments!

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

Polish Eye Exam!

A man from Poland goes to the optometrist who shows the Pole a card with the letters,
C Z W X N Q S T A C Z.
"Can you read this?" the optometrist asks.
"Read it?" the Pole replies, "I know the guy!"

That ain't no Shit...

Found Here

So True....

The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause are:
Itchy
Bitchy
Sweaty,
Sleepy,
Bloated,
Forgetful,
Psycho

Little Johnny...

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'".
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

Curly's Joke Of The Day

There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.
A few days later, he receives a parcel with a note:
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head, and with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate."
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says:
"Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head, you will really look the part."
Now the man is really annoyed, since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads;
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel.
Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head,
stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candied apple!"

Yep...

Why do men hate shopping?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err...... buying?

Funny....

A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. There weren't as many violators this day as usual.
The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back (wide eyed and white as ghosts). The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 215."

PC gone mad...

Woman in doghouse over Jehovah's Witness sign
Jul 28, 10:12 AM (ET)
LONDON (Reuters) - A British woman has been ordered by police to take down a sign on her garden gate which read "Our dogs are fed on Jehovah's Witnesses."
Janet Grove, who owns a terrier puppy called Rabbit, insisted the sign was a gentle joke to discourage callers at her front door.
Her late husband put the sign up more than 30 years ago when members of the church called at their house on Christmas Day.
But police were forced to act after receiving a complaint.
"We were informed by a member of the public who found the sign to be distressing, offensive and inappropriate," a police spokesman said. "Officers attended the address and the sign was voluntarily taken down."

No Shit in my book...

WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
Press "1" for English.
Press "2" to disconnect until you have learned to speak English

Yep...

This has been a tough post. Been thinking about it for a while, a lot of mixed emotions, kinda likes your mother-in-law riding your Harley off a cliff. I’ve always had a dog in this fight (all of our troops) but now it’s a friend of mine’s son. I recently found out that he will be deploying to Iraq (aka LitterBox). He is a married E-3 in the US Army and has a hot wife, nice going dude. On his way back from visiting his dad he stopped by. We were killing Coronas and he was talking about trying to find a side arm to take with him and wasn’t having any luck. He also talked about shooting pistols with Jar Heads who shoot competition and how he wanted to do that but couldn’t afford a pistol. Ya should have seen the look on his face when I handed him a zippered pouch and he opened it to find ‘My Lady’. Picture after Poem. It’s a Springfield Armory Champion .45 tricked out for competition shooting. I’ve had it for almost 3 years and never even fired it. Let’s just say he is ecstatic, wanting to pay me or trade me something for her. Not happenin dude. The ‘Church of Libtards’ didn’t get to you and you know the score. When I say I want our troops to have the very best I’m not kidding. Oh it came with two extra clips and belt case for them and a quick draw holster and a box of ball ammo to get him started. He did say that he would guest blog here and send me pics of the diaper heads he blasted with ‘My Lady’. Hey Clem, remember to use at least one slice of the pre-cooked bacon I send in the care packages to wipe your rounds with…
I can’t confirm the authenticity of this poem, but it’s true…

This poem was written by a Marine.
Monsters and the Weak
by Michael Marks

The sun beat like a hammer, not a cloud was in the sky.
The mid-day air ran thick with dust, my throat was parched and dry.
With microphone clutched tight in hand and cameraman in tow,
I ducked beneath a fallen roof, surprised to hear "stay low."

My eyes blinked several times before in shadow I could see,
the figure stretched across the rubble, steps away from me.
He wore a cloak of burlap strips, all shades of gray and brown,
that hung in tatters till he seemed to melt into the ground.

He never turned his head or took his eye from off the scope,
but pointed through the broken wall and down the rocky slope.
"About eight hundred yards," he said, his whispered words concise,
"beneath the baggy jacket he is wearing a device."

A chill ran up my spine despite the swelter of the heat,
"You think he's gonna set it off along the crowded street?"
The sniper gave a weary sigh and said "I wouldn't doubt it,"
"unless there's something this old gun and I can do about it."

A thunderclap, a tongue of flame, the still abruptly shattered;
while citizens that walked the street were just as quickly scattered.
Till only one remained, a body crumpled on the ground,
The threat to oh so many ended by a single round.

And yet the sniper had no cheer, no hint of any gloat,
instead he pulled a logbook out and quietly he wrote.
"Hey, I could put you on TV, that shot was quite a story!"
But he surprised me once again -- "I got no wish for glory."

"Are you for real?" I asked in awe, "You don't want fame or credit?"
He looked at me with saddened eyes and said "you just don't get it."
"You see that shot-up length of wall, the one without a door?
before a mortar hit, it used to be a grocery store."

"But don't go thinking that to bomb a store is all that cruel,
the rubble just across the street -- it used to be a school.
The little kids played soccer in the field out by the road,"
His head hung low, "They never thought a car would just explode."

As bad as all this is though, it could be a whole lot worse,"
He swallowed hard, the words came from his mouth just like a curse.
"Today the fight's on foreign land, on streets that aren't my own,"
"I'm here today 'cause if I fail, the next fight's back at home."

"And I won't let my Safeway burn, my neighbors dead inside,
don't wanna get a call from school that says my daughter died;
I pray that not a one of them will know the things I see,
nor have the work of terrorists etched in their memory."

"So you can keep your trophies and your fleeting bit of fame,
I don't care if I make the news, or if they speak my name."
He glanced toward the camera and his brow began to knot,
"If you're looking for a story, why not give this one a shot."

"Just tell the truth of what you see, without the slant or spin;
that most of us are OK and we're coming home again.
And why not tell our folks back home about the good we've done,
how when they see Americans, the kids come at a run."

You tell 'em what it means to folks here just to speak their mind,
without the fear that tyranny is just a step behind;
Describe the desert miles they walk in their first chance to vote,
or ask a soldier if he's proud, I'm sure you'll get a quote."

He turned and slid the rifle in a drag bag thickly padded,
then looked again with eyes of steel as quietly he added;
"And maybe just remind the few, if ill of us they speak,
that we are all that stands between the monsters and the weak."

'My Lady'

Oh yea...

Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.

Rednecks...

The out-of-state liberal couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny town.
The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.
"That's OK with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get some wood for the fire."
About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted white, the other red and her ass is blue.
"What on earth happened to you dear?" he asks.
"Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!"
"Damn those trouble-makers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts.
He walks into town and finds the rednecks in a bar.
"Who is the SOB who painted my wife red, white and blue!" he shouts.
A huge redneck, about 6'-8," steps forward, a shotgun in his hand.
"I did it," he bellows. "What you got to say about it?"
The husband answers meekly, "I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry."

Shirley Goodnest

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.
So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.
Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is".
The friend said, "Well, who is she"?
"That's just Shirley Goodnest", Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy".
"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us"?
"Well", Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it"!

CHINESE PROVERBS

Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Cat Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

Good to Know

Why do men snore?
When they fall asleep, their balls cover their assholes and they vapor lock.

Yes dear, I know, I'm sleeping on the couch again...

A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him. "What color?" they asked.
He settled for white. "How much does it cost?" he asked. "Twenty dollars."
"Very good," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.
"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?"
"No," he said, "nothing like that."
"Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles."
He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?"

Yep...

A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says, "All the guys on the right side of the bar are cocksuckers, anyone got a problem with that?"
Everyone is understandably silent.
He then chugs back another beer and says, "All the guys on the left side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?"
Everyone is silent, again.
Then I get up from my stool, to his right, and start to walk towards the man.
"You got a problem, buddy?"
"No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

Geek Humor...

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the Computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned . . . "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out . . . I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold . . .

Involuntary Muscular Contractions:

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "More than likely deer hunting or fishing with his buddies."

Must have been a blonde...

A man took a young woman to an X-rated movie, purchased some refreshments and showed his date to her seat.
Soon after the onscreen action started, she put her hand on the man's lap. Looking over at him, she remarked: "I see this is getting you excited, too. But how come it's so cold?"
"Because you're jerking off my popsicle!" the man replied.

Yep...

The average man's life consists of twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going; forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too!

Good One...

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it.
An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.
The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"
The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business.
Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."
The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild just fell out of the window!"

Porta Potty...

My Car....

My Fellow Buccaneers:

My Fellow Buccaneers:

This evening I received news that agents of the country of India have openly ATTACKED AND VILIFIED several members of The Pirate Armada. Traderrob of Opinipundit has been singled out and SLANDERED by the VILE AND REPRESSIVE Indian beasts! As has my Blogfather, Dr. Rusty Shackleford The Jawa Report. Not satisfied with these acts of evil, the DEGENERATE MISCREANTS of the sub-continent HAVE VICIOUSLY ATTACKED THE WIFE of Commodore Vinnie at Vince Aut Morire! All of these good people have had their URLs banned in India! In the course of banning Traderrob, the censor-happy Indian villains have actually banned all blogspot blogs!

THIS SHALL NOT STAND! AS OF 7:23 ET JULY 19TH, 2006 A STATE OF WAR EXISTS BETWEEN INDIA AND THE PIRATE ARMADA! THIS TOKEN BE YOUR LETTER OF MARQUE AND REPRISAL TO FIND AND ENGAGE ALL INDIAN FORCES - AND ALL THOSE SYMPATHETIC TO THEIR TWISTED CAUSE!

I BID YOU GO FORTH, SEEK OUT TARGETS OF OPPORTUNITY AND CALL ON YOUR FELLOW BUCCANEERS OF THE PIRATE ARMADA WHEN YOU SPOT A PARTICULARLY JUICY GALLEON.
ALL BUCCANEERS WHO RUN BLOGS SHOULD POST THE ARMADA'S DECLARATION OF WAR AT THEIR EARLIEST OPPORTUNITY! DO NOT LET THESE VILE DOGS CLAIM THAT THE ARMADA FELL UPON THEM WITHOUT WARNING!

THE DREAD PUNDIT BLUTO
GRAND ADMIRAL OF THE PIRATE ARMADA

Coffee...

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. The conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.
Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain-looking, some expensive, and some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.
After all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said:
"If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is but normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.
Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee.
In most cases, it's just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups, and then began eyeing each other's cups.
Now consider this: Life is the coffee, and the jobs, money and position in society are the cups.
They are just tools to hold and contain life, and the type of cup we have does not define nor change the quality of life we live.
Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us."
God brews the coffee, not the cups . . . enjoy your coffee.

They Walk Among Us

Can't vouch for the fact that these are true...

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. I recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
This one was from Kingman, KS.
_______________________________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
_______________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
_______________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
_______________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a brunch at Texas Instruments.
_______________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.
_______________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
_______________________________________________________
*and they walk among us
And REPRODUCE.
Scary, isn't it

I Love Ann Coulter...

Coulter Jokes About Powder Sent to NY Times
In yet another report on Ann Coulter, Editor & Publisher magazine (E&P) is now wondering if Coulter meant it when she joked about being the person who sent a letter filled with corn starch to the New York Times.
According to Women's Wear Daily (WWD), a source at the Times, known only as anonymous, told WWD that the corn starch attack "makes all of Ann Coulter's comments a little less funny. I wonder if she considers herself at all responsible when lunatics read her columns and she says that we should be killed."
Eager to join the fray, WWD sent an e-mail from the publication's Memo Pad feature to Coulter and promptly got a reply saying: "So glad to hear that the New York Times got my letter and that your friend at the Times thinks I'm funny. Good luck in journalism and please send me your home address so we can stay in touch, too."

What a hoot!!! Ann if you ever happen to be in Oklahoma City let me know, I know a couple of great steak houses.

Oklahoma Girls

A girl from Oklahoma and a girl from the east coast were seated side by side on an airplane.
The girl from Oklahoma, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?"
The east coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from Oklahoma sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where ya'll from, bitch?"

Woman Driver Of the Year

For those of you who don't know, she has the helmet on backwards.

Harsh, you say?

1. If you migrate to this county, you must speak the native language.
2. You have to be a professional or an investor. No unskilled workers allowed.
3. There will be no special bilingual programs in the schools, no special ballots for elections, all government business will be conducted in our language
4. Foreigners will NOT have the right to vote no matter how long they are here.
5. Foreigners will NEVER be able to hold political office.
6. Foreigners will not be a burden to the taxpayers. No welfare, no food stamps, no health care, or other government assistance programs.
7. Foreigners can invest in this country, but it must be an amount equal to 40,000 times the daily minimum wage.
8. If foreigners do come and want to buy land that will be okay, BUT options will be restricted. You are not allowed waterfront property. That is reserved for citizens naturally born into this country.
9. Foreigners may not protest; no demonstrations, no waving a foreign flag, no political organizing, no bad-mouthing our president or his policies, if you do you will be sent home.
10. If you do come to this country illegally, you will be hunted down and sent straight to jail.

Harsh, you say? The above laws happen to be the immigration laws of Mexico

Yep...

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they need to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, "From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you.'"

Blonde Moments!

Kevin , the blonde, said "I'm breaking up with Sherry!" , to his friend James.
"Are you crazy? Sherry is a beautiful and smart woman!", said James.
Kevin responded..."Last night Sherry broke down and told me she was bisexual, and who the hell wants to screw just twice a year???"

So True....

What can make you feel really good or be very annoying?
A woman's mouth!

Little Johnny...

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Little Johnny...

The teacher once asked the class to make a sentence with the phrase pistol too.
Little Jimmy raised his hand, and after being recognized, said
"The lone Ranger tamed the wild west with his faithful indian companion and his pistol too".
Very good says the teacher.
Little Johnnie raised his hand, and after being called on said "Down at our house we make homebrew, drink till twelve and piss till two".

Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all !!!

2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9.Dog sweaters. Hello ???, Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these thing's, We both know who's boss here!!! You don't see me picking up your poop do you ???

Yep...

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
======================================================================
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

What we are fighing for...

Yep...

What is it when you hear this: vroom. screach. vroom. screach. vroom. screach.?
A blonde at a blinking stop light

Quickies....

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
======================================================================
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"
======================================================================
What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
The ones in the casinos are serious.

That ain't no Shit...

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

As for me, I avoid the parts of the menu that have the 'happy hearts' and go straight to the one's of the guy grabbing his chest...

Curly's Classic Joke Of The Day!

A little girl is walking along in the park when she comes across 3 little dogs sitting there she bends down to stroke the first dog and says "How are you today little doggy"
To her utmost surprise the dog answers "I am very happy and contented, and have been going in and out of puddles all day" The girl then turns to the second dog and says " How are you today little doggy" The dog answers " I am very happy and contented, and have been going in and out of puddles all day"
The girl then turns to the third dog and say "Little doggy you don't look as happy and contented as the other two, why would this be" At this the third dog answers "because my name is Puddles"

Life in a small town...

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "Officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"No explanation needed!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I have to tell you something." The man tried again.
"Just keep quiet! You're going to jail and I'm not interested in what you have to say!" the officer barked.
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Good Stuff...

A man suffering from impotence went to see a specialist. The doctor gave him a prescription that he was to take faithfully three times a day, and always with food.
Two days later the man was at a formal banquet and didn't want any of the other guests to spot and possibly identify his pink and purple capsule of medication. So he instructed the waiter to empty the capsule into his soup, thinking he could eat his soup openly with everyone else, take his medication, and preserve his privacy all at the same time.
However, when the soup was served everyone received a bowl of it but the man, who began feeling conspicuous and angry. He confronted the waiter and asked why he hadn't been served his "special" soup.
"Well, sir, I poured your medication into your bowl as instructed.
Since then, I have been waiting for the noodles to lie down."

Yep...

When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes him so sexy.
When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to see who's the handsome dude behind him.
But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to see if he's unzipped.

Curly's Classic Joke Of The Day!

A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he could have a condom explaining that his girlfriend has invited him for dinner and I think she is expecting something from me!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom; and as the young man is going out, he returns and tells him: "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think she expects something from me too."
The pharmacist gives him a second condom; and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says: "After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mom is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes allusions... and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting something from me!!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mom facing him.
When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying: "Dear Lord, bless this dinner... thank you for all you give us..!!!"
A minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord for your kindness..." Ten minutes go and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than the others. She gets close to the boy and tells him in his ear: "I didn't know you were so religious!!!"
The boy replies: "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!!!"

Good Advice...

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office... but she belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..." but the girl said "NO."
Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.
She agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...
She said "The bastard used quarters!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

This is True, I checked it out on Snopes.com...

For those that shop at Sam’s…
Don't know how many of you shop at Sam's Club or Costco, but this may be useful to know. I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me and it could happen to you!!
Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 23-year-old well-built guys come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both are shirtless and start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their highly-defined chest muscles and rock-hard abs exposed.
It's impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Sam's Club or Costco. You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start talking dirty about what they want to do to you. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and begins kissing your neck and begs you to pull over so he can make love to you!! While this is going on the other guy steals your purse!!
I had my purse stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow.
I'm running out of purses.........

Quote of the Day

So great has been the endurance, so incredible the achievement, that, as long as the sun keeps a set course in heaven, it would be foolish to despair of the human race.
- Ernest L. Woodward

So True....

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon, arching his eyebrows.
The Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.
The Italian, nodding agreement, and says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

Yep....

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!"
"Blow jobs!" the woman replied.
"It hasn't been proved but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.
She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

Prayer

A voyaging ship was wrecked during a storm at sea and only two of the men on it were able to swim to a small, desert like island. The two survivors, not knowing what else to do, agreed that they had no other recourse but to pray to God.

However, to find out whose prayer was more powerful, they agreed to divide the territory between them and stay on opposite sides of the island.

The first thing they prayed for was food. The next morning, the first man saw a fruit-bearing tree on his side of the land, and he was able to eat its fruit. The other man's parcel of land remained barren.

After a week, the first man was lonely and he decided to pray for a wife. The next day, another ship was wrecked, and the only survivor was a woman who swam to his side of the land. On the other side of the island, there was nothing.

Soon the first man prayed for a house, clothes, and more food. The next day, like magic, all of these were given to him. However, the second man still had nothing.

Finally, the first man prayed for a ship, so that he and his wife could leave the island. In the morning, he found a ship docked at his side of the island. The first man boarded the ship with his wife and decided to leave the second man on the island. He considered the other man unworthy to receive God's blessings, since none of his prayers had been answered.

As the ship was about to leave, the first man heard a voice from heaven booming, "Why are you leaving your companion on the island?" "My blessings are mine alone, since I was the one who prayed for them," the first man answered. "His prayers were all unanswered and so he does not deserve anything." "You are mistaken!" the voice rebuked him. "He had only one prayer, which I answered. If not for that, you would not have received any of my blessings.

"Tell me," the first man asked the voice, "What did he pray for that I should owe him anything?"

"He prayed that all your prayers be answered."

For all we know, our blessings are not the fruits of our prayers alone, but those of another praying for us.

When Jesus died on the cross he was thinking of you!

Good One...

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Works for Me...

How do you get your husband interested in oral sex?
Douche with beer.

Little Johnny Grows Up...

A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.
He explains, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse."
Little Johnny stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how to fuck, or I don't know how to shit."

Smart Blonde...

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered,
"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

Blondes ain't so dumb...

Attached is problem 3 on a geometry examination. It is the solution submitted by a beautiful blonde student. It is our understanding that after careful scrutiny, the student was given credit for the answer by the teacher. When hearing of this the Board of Education warned math teachers to be more explicit in the wording of examination problems but was hesitant to suggest how.

Goat Humpers beware....

The next time you diaper heads think that all of our brown water Navy is the John Kerry type. Just consider who is training the new ones. Go ahead and go jihad, it will be the last great act of defiance.

Brown-Water Sailors Begin Training with Boots on Ground
Navy News | PO2 Riza Wenthe | July 10, 2006
Camp Lejeune, N.C. - The Navy’s first Riverine Group Squadron (RIVRON) of the 21st century completed Common Combat Skills training, the first phase of pre-deployment training, June 29 at the School of Infantry (SOI) at Marine Base Camp Lejeune.
Nicknamed "Devil Squids" by the instructors of SOI’s Instruction Training Battalion, RIVRON 1 received training in basic infantry skills, which they’ll continue to build upon until qualified to deploy.
"Riverines are being re-established by the CNO (Chief of Naval Operations) to extend the Navy’s reach back into the brown water internal waterways and rivers around the world," said Guarini. "A lot of the regions of instability are on rivers and waterways – in terms of boundaries and symmetric threats – that aren’t as easily viable as at sea with the ‘blue-water fleet.’"
RIVRON 1 is comprised of Navy personnel of different ratings. Although this re-established "brown-water Navy" has a completely different mission than its "blue-water" predecessors, their job skill sets are valued on both platforms.
"Boatswain’s mates are combat coxswain of the small craft, OSs (operations specialists) will run our operations center, Seabee Sailors will take charge of our combat gear," said Guarini. "It’s a variety of rates, and they’re all true to their rates – core rates doing the core missions, but applied in a different way."
"Your teammates become your family and it brings a closer bond,” Holder continued, “especially when you know one day they’re going to go into combat with you."
RIVRON 1 Sailors continue combat training in July on machine guns, while officers and chief petty officers take leadership and tactical skills courses. Upon completion of the month-long training, the squadron enters the second phase of their training at Special Missions Training Center Camp Lejeune and are taught skills to operate small boats.
"The third phase of our training," said Guarini, "will involve the headquarters element. With the three separate detachments, we’ll go through a FEP (final evaluation problem) exercise to certify our command for deployment."
RIVRON 1 is scheduled to deploy to the Middle East in 2007. Guarini said the squadron is excited to make naval history.


Yep these guys are being trained by Jar Heads. Go ahead, Make their day...

Blonde Moments!

A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building.
He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why the hell did you three women leap out of that building?"
The blonde answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads with wings."

Funny....

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Good Advice...

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

No reward for me...

This fellow comes to confession. "Father," he said, "forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?" "I lusted," the fellow replied. "Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds.
She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure.
And, she asked if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man. "Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked.
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."

Yep...

A woman was walking down the street when she was stopped by a man who was carrying out a survey.
"Excuse me, Madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards sex."
"Really!" said the woman smiling.
"Could you please tell me what you think of sex on the television?"
"Well," replied the woman, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable, especially when you've got a vase stuck up your ass"!

Now I Know...

You're driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a Valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same Speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size As your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig And the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Answer:
Get the hell off of the "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.

No Longer A Need To Be Without One!

We have all been up there but did not know where to get the paddle!

No Shit...

"My girl, Ginger, is going to die of syphilis," mumbles an angry biker to one of his buddies.
"No," says the friend, "people don't die of syphilis anymore."
The angry biker replies, "They do when they give it to me!"

Blonde Moments!

There was this blonde city-girl who was out driving and found herself in a rural area. She noted a farm animal standing next to a farmer and stopped the car to ask the farmer a question.
"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone: "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns."But the reason this cow don't have no horns,
ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

So True....

What is the difference between a good lawyer and a great Lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law and a great lawyer knows the judge.

Quote of the Day

The sign of intelligent people is their ability to control emotions by the application of reason.
- Marya Mannes

Just Got This Email....

Buccaneers of The Pirate Armada:
The target for this raid is such a twisted, deranged individual that she should be driven from the internet.
Go here, to Black Five for the background:
Then, go here, and do the right thing:
Yarrrr!
Bluto
Grand Admiral of The Pirate Armada

The comments for all but the latest post have been shut down. After ya stop by Black Five I'm sure my faithfull readers, currently counted on one hand, will have something to say. Make sure LL and Lil Toni know about this.
What they will have to say will be a hoot...

NEWS FLASH!

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

Little Johnny...

Little Johnny had not studied for his life science exam.
The teacher in the one room school house was giving an oral exam.
"What are the four main advantages of breast milk?" she asked.
"No need to boil." called one student."
And another?" the teacher questioned.
"It never goes sour." said another child."Correct." said the teacher.
"It is available whenever is necessary." called out another.
"Johnny." she asked. "Do you have the last answer?"
"Sure," he said. "It is available in attractive containers of varying sizes."
He got an "A".

Good Advice...

One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was very upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

Good Question?

How do people with no teeth open those little packages of ketchup and mustard?

Bad Day...

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!" "Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home, and we stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her goddammed husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails!
Dare not even look down!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.
"When her husband came into the room, he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak. And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head!"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head.
"No wonder you're in a lousy mood".
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My forehead!"
"Damn, that's really a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to make a dump. Turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose, right on my head!"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day"
"Yeah yeah, yeah", the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off?
When I looked down and saw that my feet were only six inches off the ground!"

Quote of the Day

Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many--not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.
- Charles Dickens

Good Care...

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."

Rednecks...

Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!
How about you, how's that toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba,
"I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

Yep....

What is the definition of the perfect wife?
A rich mute nymphomaniac that owns a liquor store.

Funny....

Jack goes to the doctor and says, "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect. Can you help me?"
After a complete examination, the doctor tells Jack, "Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment."
Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?"
"Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."
Jack thinks about it silently, then says, "Well, the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants.
His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
With his eyes watering, Jack replied, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll up my ass."

Only 60%?

You Are 60% Weird

You're so weird, you think you're *totally* normal. Right? But you wig out even the biggest of circus freaks!

How Weird Are You?

I Will Protect The Flag...

That Explains It...

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Little Johnny Grows Up...

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars ?
"Are you nuts ? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars ?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars ?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not ?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."

NEWS FLASH!

-Brian/College Station's worst disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Texas A&M students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today.
Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

Good Advice...

The shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the floor

Good One...

To my beautiful blond friends, please don't be offended! This is for the 'special' blondes we have out there.)

A blonde goes into a Laundromat and asks to have her sweater cleaned.

The Laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "Come again?"

The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."

Don't forget about us Sailors...

Two nuns decide they're going to sneak out of the convent and have a real night on the town.
They hit all the bars and dance clubs, and decide they've finally got to head back to the convent.
To enter the convent's grounds they have to crawl under some barbed wire.
The nuns start crawling under the wire on their bellies.
As they're crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to the second and says, "I feel like a marine."
The second replies,
"Yeah, me too, but where can you find one this time of night?"

Little Johnny...

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

Yes dear, I know, I'm sleeping on the couch again...

Alexis was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.
"Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" she asked her mother.
"He thinks a lot," replied her mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Or she was until Alexis thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?"

OLD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me.
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?
"The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse.
Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this
month."
Moral of this story? ....
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

Little Johnny...

On the first day of third grade, Miss Torch took roll call.
"My name is Johnny Fuckhauer," said one boy.
"I won't tolerate such language in my class", Miss Torch fumed. "Tell me your real name."
"That is my real name," Johnny insisted. "You can ask my brother over in the fourth grade."
The determined teacher marched across the hall. "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?" Miss Torch asked the class.
"Hell no," a bold lad retorted. "We don't even get a cookie break!"

Funny....

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by & they all had a great time. After they returned home & the men went back to work, they sat around at break & discussed their vacation.
The first guy says " I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers 7 come 11 all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
The second guy says " I know what you mean...my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there & she slaps the bed all night and hollers hit me light or hit me hard & I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"
The third guy says " You guys think you have it bad! ...my old lady played the slots the whole time we were there & I wake up each morning with a sore dick & an ass full of quarters.

Say A Prayer Of Thanks

This is pretty interesting . . . .
Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you, Jesus Christ and the American G.I. One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.
Thank them both today.

Hay

I'm reading Ann Coulters new book, going to have an interesting post on this one.
Also been 'busy'....

Good One...

Toward the end of the service, the minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
About 80% held up their hands.
The minister then repeated the question and all responded by raising their hands except one small, elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?", the minister asked.
"I don't have any", she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is indeed unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight" she replied.
"Mrs. Jones, would you come down front and tell the congregation how a person can live for ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, smiled sweetly and said, "I outlived the bitches."

To Bad For Him.....

The Priest
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hairdryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not Lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to Declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!

That Was Me.....

Baptizing A Drunk
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Not PC here...

Indian Wife's Name
An old Indian was asked what his wife's name was. "Wife Name Three Horse."
That's an odd name for a wife what does it maan?
It's an old Indian name that means, Nag, Nag. Nag.

Am I A Geek Or What....

I listen AM talk radio in 5.1 surround sound.

Quote of the Day

The height of your accomplishments will equal the depth of your convictions.
- William F. Scolavino

Good Advice...

Statistical Findings:
10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place
36% of the women favour nudity
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes
46% of the women experienced anal sex
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.
Conclusion:
Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.
Moral:
Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!

Hope I'm Not One...

The long term implications of drugs/procedures must be fully considered:
"Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them"...

Funny....

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.
They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."

Be Carefull What You Wish For...

A guy found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it. The genie popped out and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want."
The guy thought and thought and finally gave his answer. "I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."
"As you wish," the genie replied.
So, the genie turned him into a toilet seat.

Ouch....

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parents' home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"
He says, "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

Good One...

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.
An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?"
As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I only have an extra two dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly,
"What makes you think I charge by the inch ?"

Yep....

If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun.
Katherine Hepburn

Or what you have been up to...

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

No Comment....

Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised.
You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

Good Question?

At a bookstore the other day, I saw a book entitled "Sex for Dummies".
Why would someone want to teach dumb people how to reproduce?

So True....

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.