Caption Contest

And the winner gets, uh, well, a warm fuzzy feeling.

Thanks Neenie

I want to know too

Making a speech against the proliferation of X-rated videos, the mayoral candidate said, "I rented one of these cassettes and was shocked to find by my count five acts of oral sex, three of sodomy, a trans- sexual making love to a dog, and a woman accommodating five menat once.
If elected, I vow that tapes such as these will no longer befoul our fair community." He concluded the fiery denunciation by asking,
"Are there any questions?"
Five people shouted in unison, "Where'd you rent the tape?"

Yep...

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements.
After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right.
And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Tooo blog to drunk....

First!!!

I would like to be the first to wish you a

Happy Halloween

Carl

Some of you may have seen this before, I have but I wasn't bloggin then. If ya have just skip down to my story.
---------------------------------------
A lesson in love
Carl was a quiet man. He didn't talk much. He would always greet you with a big smile and a firm handshake.
Even after living in our neighborhood for over 50 years, no one could really say they knew him very well.
Before his retirement, he took the bus to work each morning. The lone sight of him walking down the street often worried us.
He had a slight limp from a bullet wound received in WWII.
Watching him, we worried that although he had survived WWII, he may not make it through our changing uptown neighborhood with its ever-increasing random violence, gangs, and drug activity.
When he saw the flyer at our local church asking for volunteers for caring for the gardens behind the minister's residence, he responded in his characteristically unassuming manner. Without fanfare, he just signed up.
He was well into his 87th year when the very thing we had always feared finally happened. He was just finishing his watering for the day when three gang members approached him. Ignoring their attempt to intimidate him, he simply asked, "Would you like a drink from the hose?"
The tallest and toughest-looking of the three said, "Yeah, sure," with a malevolent little smile. As Carl offered the hose to him, the other two grabbed Carl's arm, throwing him down. As the hose snaked crazily over the ground, dousing everything in its way, Carl's assailants stole his retirement watch and his wallet, and then fled.
Carl tried to get himself up, but he had been thrown down on his bad leg. He lay there trying to gather himself as the minister came running to help him. Although the minister had witnessed the attack from his window, he couldn't get there fast enough to stop it.
"Carl, are you okay? Are you hurt?" the minister kept asking as he helped Carl to his feet.
Carl just passed a hand over his brow and sighed, shaking his head "Just some punk kids. I hope they'll wise-up someday."
His wet clothes clung to his slight frame as he bent to pick up the hose. He adjusted the nozzle again and started to water.
Confused and a little concerned, the minister asked, "Carl, what are you doing?" "I've got to finish my watering. It's been very dry lately," came the calm reply.
Satisfying himself that Carl really was all right, the minister could only marvel. Carl was a man from a different time and place.
A few weeks later the three returned. Just as before their threat was unchallenged. Carl again offered them a drink from his hose.
This time they didn't rob him. They wrenched the hose from his hand and drenched him head to foot in the icy water.
When they had finished their humiliation of him, they sauntered off down the street, throwing catcalls and curses, falling over one another laughing at the hilarity of what they had just done.
Carl just watched them. Then he turned toward the warmth giving sun, picked up his hose, and went on with his watering.
The summer was quickly fading into fall, Carl was doing some tilling when he was startled by the sudden approach of someone behind him. He stumbled and fell into some evergreen branches.
As he struggled to regain his footing, he turned to s ee the tall leader of his summer tormentors reaching down for him. He braced himself for the expected attack.
"Don't worry old man, I'm not gonna hurt you this time." The young man spoke softly, still offering the tattooed and scarred hand to Carl. As he helped Carl get up, the man pulled a crumpled bag from his pocket and handed it to Carl.
"What's this?" Carl asked. "It's your stuff," the man explained. "It's your stuff back. Even the money in your wallet." "I don't understand," Carl said. "Why would you help me now?"
The man shifted his feet, seeming embarrassed and ill at ease. "I learned something from you," he said. "I ran with that gang and hurt people like you. We picked you because you were old and we knew we could do it. But every time we came and did something to you, instead of yelling and fighting back, you tried to give us a drink. You didn't hate us for hating you. You kept showing love against our hate." He stopped for a moment. "I couldn't sleep after we stole your stuff, so here it is back."
He paused for another awkward moment, not knowing what more there was to say. "That bag's my way of saying thanks for straightening me out, I guess." And with that, he walked off down the street.
Carl looked down at the sack in his hands and gingerly opened it. He took out his retirement watch and put it back on his wrist. Opening his wallet, he checked for his wedding photo. He gazed for a moment at the young bride that still smiled back at him from all those years ago.
He died one cold day after Christmas that winter. Many people attended his funeral in spite of the weather. In particular the minister noticed a tall young man that he didn't know sitting quietly in a distant corner of the church.
The minister spoke of Carl's garden as a lesson in life. In a voice made thick with unshed tears, he said, "Do your best and make your garden as beautiful as you can. We will never forget Carl and his garden."
The following spring another flyer went up. It read:
"Person needed to care for Carl's garden."
The flyer went unnoticed by the busy parishioners until one day when a knock was heard at the minister's office door.
Come in;
Opening the door, the minister saw a pair of scarred and tattooed hands holding the flyer. "I believe this is my job, if you'll have me," the young man said.
The minister recognized him as the same young man who had returned the stolen watch and wallet to Carl.
He knew that Carl's kindness had turned this man's life around. As the minister handed him the keys to the garden shed, he said, "Yes, go take care of Carl's garden and honor him."
The man went to work and, over the next several years, he tended the flowers and vegetables just as Carl had done.
In that time, he went to college, got married, and became a prominent member of the community. But he never forgot his promise to Carl's memory and kept the garden as beautiful as he thought Carl would have kept it.
One day he approached the new minister and told him that he couldn't care for the garden any longer. He explained with a shy and happy smile, "My wife just had a baby boy last night, and she's bringing him home on Saturday."
"Well, congratulations!" said the minister, as he was handed the garden shed keys. "That's wonderful! What's the baby's name?" "Carl," he replied.
That's the whole gospel message simply stated.
----------------------------------
That's so true. Here's my story.
One nice afternoon Tom (my best friend) and I are headed somewhere in my old Chevy truck. I remember exactly where this convesation happened. He said to me, 'I know that you and your (now ex) wife are Christians but there is one thing I want you to know'. I ask 'What's that'. He said 'Well your (now ex) wife tells everybody that she is a Christian and throws scripture at them and is in their face about it, you live it. I know you are Christian because of how you treat people, act and talk, you don't have to tell people'. I said 'Thanks, I try'.
A couple of years later Tom became a Christian and was diagnosed with head and neck cancer. I watched a large strapping man reduced to a shell of a man but he kept his faith until the end. It wasn't pretty. I remember stopping by and talking to him, I set him up with a little one hitter and would drop a bag of pot in his lap and he would brighten up and say 'Can I have some of this?' I told him 'It's all yours'. Tom would say 'Dude thanks, I'm on all of the pain killers they can give me but this is the only thing that let's me relax and eat.' Mary Lou would tell me that the only time she could put some weight on him was after my visits. I did what I could but still fell guilty about not doing more.
His widow, daughter and I are still good friends.
I know that I will see Tom in Heaven but I'm not sure that God will let us drive around on dirt roads drinking beer and smoking pot.

Thanks Neenie

First Kiss...

So, it's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:
Is it the right time?
Is anyone watching?
Does your partner even want to?
Is your breath fresh?
And... Should you use some tongue?
Then you lean in and just go for it!!!










Anybody want to post comments about their first kiss?
Mine was in the driveway of Anita's house. It was a crisp fall night after our first date. We sat in my 69 Chevy truck for a bit talking. Ya I know, my first kiss is in my truck so that means I'm 16. The windows were fogged up and her brothers and sisters were asking me the next day 'what happened'. Can only imagine what they ask her. Yes all we did was kiss. But it was great. Still enjoy it.

God's Night Light

An 80 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof the light goes on. When I'm done, poof the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.
"Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof the light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

What's Your Pirate Name?

Your Pirate Name Is...

Cannibal Thor

What's Your Pirate Name?

Mooslem Repellent

Not sure if I would want to wake up...

You Know you had a bad night at the bar when you wake up like this.



Thanks Jerry

Why dogs would attack their owners ...

So True....

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity, "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."

Thanks Mom

How ALL business phones SHOULD be answered!

Proper Etiquette for ALL persons in the United States of America.
How ALL business phones SHOULD be answered!
GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
Press "1" for English.
Press "2" to disconnect until you have learned to speak English.
This is America and the predominate language is ENGLISH.
SUMMATION: IF YOU CAN'T SPEAK ENGLISH, PLEASE GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM.

Welll

25 ways to know you have grown up
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
Well that's true...
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
Nope, although we may need the room of a king size...
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
Not even close!!!
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
Still do that...
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
Not very often...
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
Don't have cable, have Internet porn, er I mean new's. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
Huh?
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
Not quite 130 but keep a lot on the books.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
Blue jeans and a t-shirt are 'dressed up' for me.
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
They are ones calling the cops cause I crank up my great system and it blows theirs away....
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
Many of my family members are in the medical field, my nephews tell sex jokes...
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
It does???
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
Insurance down but no car payments.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
What!?! Dog food in bowl, eat or go hungry.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
That's where I sleep now...
16. You take naps.
Nope
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Not hardly...
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
Still like the greasy spoons...
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
Nope, nope, nope & nope, got a couple of small scars that make sure the latter two don't happen...
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."
Don't like wine anyway.
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
No.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
I think I said that in younger days...
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
Porn, oh wait I mean news...
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
Yep if somebody else is driving, no more DUI's.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh crap - what the h--- happened?"
Most of already know the answer to that question...
Bonus:
26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it. And now you know why I am forwarding this to you...

Doh, guess I still haven't grown up yet...

Yep...

1.Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.
One point to BEER
2.Warm beer tastes awful.
One point to VAGINA
3.A really cold beer is satisfying.
One point to BEER
4.If after taking a swig of your favourite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit.
One point to VAGINA
5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances.
I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.
6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
One point to VAGINA
7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.
One point to VAGINA
8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer.
One point to VAGINA
9. You normally don't find old beer.
One point to BEER
10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen God.
One point to VAGINA
11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun.
One point to VAGINA
12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
One point to VAGINA
13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off.
One point to BEER
14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can.
One point to BEER
15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles down.
One point to BEER
16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner, ale, lager, etc... with vagina you also have a choice, white, black, asian, hispanic, and eskimo...
Call it a DRAW
17. You always know how much beer is going to cost
One point to BEER
18. Beer doesn't have a mother
One point to BEER
19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you drink it
One point to BEER

FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10 VAGINA: 9

That's it! The matter is settled, the unfortunate yet tasty winner is: BEER

PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated against, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them.
An extra point for BEER

Uh can't add much more....

THE MOST DIFFICULT INSTRUMENT TO PLAY

Do you know what is the hardest instrument in the orchestra to play?
The hardest instrument to play is second fiddle. While all the rest of the instruments have their own sections, the violins are divided into two parts - "first" and "second" violins.
First violins are often the stars of the show. They get the melody lines. They get to show off. They sit next to the audience.
Back behind, where they are hard to see, are the second violins. They play a supporting role. They play harmony to the first violins.
Theirs is a service role. Their job is to round out the sound of the other instruments. They serve the orchestra. They do what is not glamorous so that the whole will be beautiful. Without the second violins, the orchestra would sound incomplete.
You know what the hardest role to play in life is? Second fiddle. To play second fiddle is to play a supporting role for someone else. And it is sometimes a service role; doing what is not glamorous, usually behind the scenes, so that the whole can be more beautiful.
The late Leo Buscaglia, that effervescent educator, speaker, author, and lover of life, used to tell his university students that there is a world out there dying to be loved! He challenged his students to love and often told them that serving others is the way they can find such things as happiness and joy.
He sometimes told about Joel. Leo got Joel hooked on serving. He took him to a nursing home and said, "You see that woman sitting over there? I want you to go and introduce yourself to her."
Joel was not looking forward to his nursing home visit. But he nevertheless went to the stranger and introduced himself. She looked at him skeptically and asked, "Are you one of my relatives?"
Joel answered, "No, I'm not."
And she said, "Good. I hate my relatives. Sit down, son, and talk to me." He did and they talked.
He went back the next week. And the next. They developed a close friendship and Joel soon looked forward to his visits. He learned something about the joy of serving. About working behind the scenes. About playing second fiddle. And he made one woman's world a little more beautiful.
--------------------------------------------
This one struck a cord with me. A long long time ago in a galaxy far far away, my now ex-wife had just moved in with me with her (and another guys) 6 month old son. She liked watching Kenneth Copeland on TV. I did with her but didn't pay much attention. Well he was having a motorcycle rally in TX (the second one). She talked me into going, in those days I was pretty proud of what I could do and not a christian. Well, we borrow a pickup from my folks and they will watch Evan, I've got the basics for camping so off we go. It was a cold night and the next morning I'm out trying to get my old coleman stove going to make coffee and cook breakfast, ex was hiding under the covers. Finally get it going and coffee made and I noticed that some of the campers around us had some decent camping setups. No big deal, mine was rigged for me and my sprorty. Had a leather vest with a patch on the back (no clubs) that, let's say wasn't christian. We head up for the first service and there are several folks standing around a coffee pot waiting for it to finish. I walk up and find myself talking to former Hells Angles, etc. Cool, I ride but never wanted to join a club, always got my ass in enough trouble on my own, didn't need any help. I make it through that service and we head back to camp. I'm working on a few things when a lady from the camp next to us walks up and introduces herself. We talk for a bit and then she ask me what I did for a living, I said 'I'm a broadcast engineer for the Univeristy of XX Journalism School'. She said really what do? I said 'I keep all of the equipment running for the broadcast and audio production working'. She said 'Oh your a fix it guy'. Well let's just say that went all over me. I said 'Well I maintain a 3 camera video production and news facility, we have 3 audio production areas and also bring in local bands and produce master tapes for them, we have Radio News and a Newsroom and I make sure all of the equipment works'. She said 'Ok your a fix it guy' smiled and walked off. That didn't set well with me, I'm thinking, lady I take $40,000.00 video cameras and put them on my workbench and find the 20 cent resistor that was bad. I fumed around for a while and kept thinking about it. Then it finally hit me, I was thinking pretty highly of myself and I was just a 'fix it guy'.
Second Fiddle.
My job was to make the professors and students look good. There were times when a prof or student would ask 'what do you do?' I would say 'fix it guy'. They would look at me with a weird look and say 'you keep all of this up and running and you call yourself a 'fix it guy'. I always said 'That's what I do'.

Quote of the Day

People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them.
- -- George Bernard Shaw

That's so corney ya could shuck it...

New Cocktail
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?"
Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours.
It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."
The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"
The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir."

Thanks Neenie

Rednecks...

Redneck Weather Station


Redneck Wedding Reception (Making note for my next wedding...)


Redneck Pet Carrier



Redneck Palm Pilot (I don't need to be reminded of that...)

Not bad...

Hope we don't need to use this!!
Put your car keys beside your bed at night. If you hear a noise outside your home or someone trying to get in your house, just press the panic button for your car. The alarm will be set off, and the horn will continue to sound until either you turn it off or the car battery dies.
This tip came from a neighborhood watch coordinator. Makes sense to me...

I got a good ideal for the ladies, just sleep with a guy who has a .45...

Got to remember this one...

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!

7 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

Thanks Neenie

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

We all need to read this one over and over until it becomes part of who we are!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Try everything twice. On Madams tombstone (of Whelan's and Madam) she said she wanted this epitaph: Tried everything twice...loved it both times!
2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down. (keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches;)
3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.
6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second time.

Thanks Neenie

Things that make you say "DAMN"

This would be a code 'brown pants'.


Yes she was headed to my table and I was alone.



and last but not least....



"DAMN"


Thanks Neenie

Kool

I was checking out a story on Snopes.com and ran across this. I'll try to hit the post office today and see if you can pick them up there or if ya have to call for one. If anybody out there knows please email me or leave a comment.

Military Shipping Kits
Claim: The USPS provides free Priority Mail shipping supplies for customers sending packages to U.S. military personnel overseas.
Status: True.
Origins: Since the preponderance of "free merchandise" offers promoted via e-mail turn out to be nothing but hoaxes and pranks targeted at the gullible, we're pleased whenever we can announce that such an offer is genuine, especially so in this case as the ultimate beneficiaries are the men and women of the U.S. armed forces who are stationed overseas.
The United States Postal Service (USPS) will supply for free, to anyone who asks, specially packaged Priority Mail supplies for shipping "care kits" to members of the U.S. military stationed overseas. Each supply kit includes the following:
* 4 Priority Mail Flat-Rate "shoe box"-type shipping boxes
* 6 Priority Mail Flat-Rate "garment box"-type shipping boxes
* 10 Priority Mail labels
* 1 roll of Priority Mail tape
* 10 customs forms with envelopes
(The contents of the supply kits changes from time to time and sometimes includes other items, such as water-resistant Tyvek Priority Mail envelopes and Priority Mail address labels. Most of these items are ordinarily furnished for free to customers by the USPS.)
To obtain a free kit of shipping supplies, simply call the USPS' packing supplies order line at 1-800-610-8734, select option #1 ("Express Mail, Priority Mail or Global Express Guaranteed products"), and ask a customer service agent for CAREKIT04 (or a "military kit"). You need supply only your name, address, and phone number, and they'll get a kit off to you that should arrive within 7-10 days. We've tried this service ourselves: it was easy to use, the USPS customer service agent we dealt with was courteous and efficient, and we were supplied with a customer ID number to expedite the process of ordering additional supplies. (This offer includes only packing materials — senders who use these materials still have to pay the requisite postage themselves.)
The USPS also offers a "Supporting Our Troops" page on their web site with links to guidelines for packing, addressing, and shipping items to U.S. troops.

I'm working on it...

Here's a good riddle for all you High-Tech Gurus..

IF YOU SEE THE FOLLOWING APPEAR ON YOUR COMPUTER MONITOR ,

qdjggsdqklgds fkgmgqkfjdmqie lgq

fsqfmqdsldmfq sfqssfdbvnlklfvnoze

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOUR COMPUTER ?

SEE THE ANSWER BELOW..............

Not sure if this is true...

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:
These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area, and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that the Christ has risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advice.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

LADIES ... OUR PATRIOTIC DUTY

MARK YOUR CALENDAR FOR NEXT SATURDAY.
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 pm. eastern time all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
MEN: You are to position yourselves in lawn chairs in front of your house to prove you are not muslims,
AND... since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold case of beer at your side, one in your hand, is further proof of your anti-muslim sentiment.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. [So do I]
It is your patriotic duty to pass this on.

"People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Thanks Mom

Islamic Rage-o-meter

Found this over at Daily Adult Joke.

Here’s an easy way to keep track of the current level of Islamic Rage

I keep tapping on my Give_A_Fuck-o-meter and it's still not moving...

That Explains It...

What's the difference between a young prostitute and an old prostitute?
A young one uses vaseline to get it in. An old one uses polygrip to keep it in.

That ain't no Shit...

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

Welll

A women who'd been married twice and divorced twice was finally fed up.
Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another women. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover to satisfy her sexually, so she ran an ad in the classifieds;
Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed.
About a week later, her door bell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs on her front porch. I'm here about your ad,"he says. You must be mistaken,"she says.
"Let me explain,"he says "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms, and I can't run away, because I don't have any legs."
"But,"she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?"
"I rang the door bell, didn't I?"

Oooops

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed.
The woman looked at the doctor, smiled, and said in a sexy voice: "Hi there handsome, how ya doing?" before wiggling her backside and walking off.
"Who was that?" demanded the doctor's wife.
"Oh, just a woman I met professionally," replied the doctor.
"Oh, yeah!" snarled his wife, "In whose. profession? yours or hers"!

Yep...

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends!
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

Upcoming Democratic Convention agenda!

6:00 p.m. - Opening flag burning ceremony.
6:05 p.m. - Opening secular prayers by Rev. Jesse Jackson and Rev. Al Sharpton
6:30 p.m. - Anti-war concert by Barbra Streisand.
6:40 p.m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
7:00 p.m. - Tribute theme to France.
7:10 p.m. - Collect offerings for al-Zawahri defense fund.
7:25 p.m. - Tribute theme to Germany.
7:45 p.m. - Anti-war rally (Moderated by Michael Moore)
8:25 p.m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:30 p.m. - Terrorist appeasement workshop.
9:00 p.m. - Gay marriage ceremony (both male and female couples)
9:30.p.m. - * Intermission *
10:00.p.m. - Posting the Iraqi Colors by Sean Penn and Tim Robbins
10:10 p.m. - Re-enactment of Kerry's fake medal toss.
10:20.p.m. - Cameo by Howard Dean 'Yeeearrrrrrrg!'
10:30 p.m. - Abortion demonstration by N.A.R.A.L.
10:40 p.m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
10:50 p.m. - Pledge of allegiance to the UN.
11:00 p.m. - Multiple gay marriage ceremony (threesomes, mixed and same
sex). Rep. Barney Frank (D,Mass.), Sponsor
11:15 p.m. - Maximizing Welfare workshop.
11:30 p.m. - 'Free Saddam' pep rally.
11:59 p.m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
12:00 p.m. - Nomination of democratic candidate.

Any chance we could get Ted Kennedy to drive Hillary home from the convention ?

Fallen Angels

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
"Two Prostitutes -- $50.00"
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled . "Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00"

Quote of the Day

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
- -- William Morrow

Doing the right thing!

As I walked down the busy sidewalk, knowing I was late for an important interview, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out,

"Reach out, reach out!"

So I did..........




I get out of the hospital in about 3 months.
It would be nice to get a card or maybe a visitor.

That's gonna leave a mark...

Where were you?

Was just over at Ernie’s site and he had a post about where were you on 9/11.
Well I was late for work, no big deal at the job I had at the time. I live in Oklahoma, Central Standard Time. On the way the classic rock station I was listening to broke in with a story about a plane hitting the WTC. I thought, as most did, it was a small plane that messed up. By the time I get to work the second plane had hit. I run up the stairs to the control room and look at our encrypted CNN feed. I worked as a Broadcast Engineer at a major University Journalism School. Sure wish I would have saved some of that footage. I’m watching this thinking ‘Oh shit’. I go downstairs to the main office and am talking to people there.
A couple of Professors came in along with the Dean of the school. Somebody ask if we could set up a TV on a cart under the tree in front of the school so students could stop by and watch the latest news. One of the Professors pointed at me and said ‘If anybody can, he can.’ The Dean ask ‘Can we”. I thought for a second and said ‘Yes’. He asks ‘What do you need’. I went into Navy mode, pointed at him and others and said ‘You do this, You, I need this, You ‘ In under half an hour there was a TV under the tree in front of the school with CNN on so students could stop by and see what was going on.
I was in my office working on refining the setup so the librarian could set it when one of the ladies on staff came by.
She came into my office and said ‘I don’t know what to think about this, it’s got me so messed up emotionally that I don’t know what to do’. Still being in Navy mode, not by best response, I looked at her and said ‘I don’t have time to feel right now I will later’.
I still do.

This is why I always say I love You....

This has not been broken since 9/11/01, please keep it going..
This has been kept alive and moving since 9/11. In memory of all those who perished this morning; the passengers and the pilots on the United Air and AA flights, the workers in the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, and all the innocent bystanders Our prayers go out to the friends and families of the deceased.

IF I KNEW

If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more

If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time,!
I could spare an extra minute
to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.

If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.

There will l always be another day
to say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance
to say our "Anything I can do?"

But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day,

That you didn! 't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out t o be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
and that you'll always hold them dear

Take time to say "I'm sorry,"
"Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay."
And if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.

This should be carved in stone somewhere...

TWO THOUSAND ONE, NINE ELEVEN (2001-911)

Two thousand one, nine eleven
Three thousand plus arrive in heaven
As they pass through the gate,
Thousands more appear in wait
A bearded man with stovepipe hat
Steps forward saying, "Lets sit, lets chat"

They settle down in seats of clouds
A man named Martin shouts out proud
"I have a dream!" and once he did
The Newcomer said, "Your dream still lives."

Groups of soldiers in blue and gray
Others in khaki, and green then say
"We're from Bull Run, Yorktown, the Maine"
The Newcomer said, "You died not in vain."

From a man on sticks one could hear
"The only thing we have to fear.
The Newcomer said, "We know the rest,
Trust us sir, we've passed that test."

"Courage doesn't hide in caves
You can't bury freedom, in a grave,"
The Newcomers had heard this voice before
A distinct Yankees twang from Hyannisport shores

A silence fell within the mist
Somehow the Newcomer knew that this
Meant time had come for her to say
What was in the hearts of the five thousand plus that day

"Back on Earth, we wrote reports,
Watched our children play in sports
Worked our gardens, sang our songs
Went to church and clipped coupons
We smiled, we laughed, we cried, we fought
Unlike you, great we're not"

The tall man in the stovepipe hat
Stood and said, "Don't talk like that!
Look at your country, look and see
You died for freedom, just like me"

Then, before them all appeared a scene
Of rubbled streets and twisted beams
Death, destruction, smoke and dust
And people working just 'cause they must

Hauling ash, lifting stones,
Knee deep in hell, but not alone
"Look! Blackman, Whiteman, Brownman, Yellowman
Side by side helping their fellow man!"

So said Martin, as he watched the scene
"Even from nightmares, can be born a dream."

Down below three firemen raised
The colors high into ashen haze
The soldiers above had seen it before
On Iwo Jima back in '45

The man on sticks studied everything closely
Then shared his perceptions on what he saw mostly
"I see pain, I see tears,
I see sorrow -- but I don't see fear."

"You left behind husbands and wives
Daughters and sons and so many lives
Are suffering now because of this wrong
But look very closely. You're not really gone.

All of those people, even those who've never met you
All of their lives, they'll never forget you
Don't you see what has happened?
Don't you see what you've done?
You've brought them together, together as one.

With that the man in the stovepipe hat said
"Take my hand," and from there he led
Three thousand plus heroes, Newcomers to heaven
On this day, two thousand one, nine eleven

Author UNKNOWN (What a shame!)

September 11, 2006, will soon be approaching. On this day, please wear red, white and blue to work or school to show your support for those who lost their lives on 9~11~01 and to honor the heroes who worked to save them and the families left behind. At noon your time on September 11, 2006, no matter where you are or what you are doing, stop, put your hand on your heart, and say the Pledge of Allegiance out loud or to yourself and say a prayer for our nation.

In addition, for those of us who drive to work, please drive with your headlights on to also give honor and remembrance to those who perished on September 11th.

If all of us do this together in every time zone round the world, we will have a powerful chain of thoughts surrounding us. Please keep this going to your friends and family.

By September 11, 2006 hopefully enough people will have read this and will join together in unity.

Blonde Moments!

Johnny was in a bar having a drink, and the barmaid was one sexy looking blonde lady!
He slapped a ten spot on the table and said, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom."
She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted the bet.
He took his glass eye out, placed it beside the drink and went to the bathroom. "Bet you I can bite my own ear," Mickey challenged next.
The bet was accepted. He took out his false teeth & nipped his ear.
Once more he scooped up the money.
"Okay," he said, "I'll give you a chance to win your money back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won't feel a thing."
Now that was one thing she knew about, so she accepted the bet.
Mickey lifted her skirt & away they went.
"I can feel you." she giggled.
"Oh well," he grinned, "You win some, you lose some!!"

Yep...

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably;
Innovative;
Preliminary;
Proliferation.
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity;
British Constitution;
Passive-aggressive disorder;
Loquacious Transubstantiate.
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex;
Nope, no more beer for me;
Sorry, but you're not really my type;
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight;
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

Quickies....

Why do people say they "worked like a dog"?
Our dog just sat around all day.

Two good things from having Alzheimer's disease:
1. You can hide your own Easter eggs.
2. You meet someone new every day.

Blonde Moments!

Did you hear about the blonde who got a Toy Poodle for her Birthday??
She Killed It Trying To Get The Batteries Up It's Ass!

Not PC here...

How are lawyers like whores?
They both get paid to screw people.

Why don't homosexuals like chess?
Because every so often, they have to sacrafice a queen.

Blonde Moments!

What did the blonde say when she heard that her friend had died?
"What color?"

What did the blonde say to her new boyfriend?
Funny, but you don't taste Jewish.

My Thoughts On Exercising .... . . . .

It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about $400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

Yep....

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift;
that's why they call it the present."

Bad times to have your picture taken...

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF:

By now you've probably heard all the Redneck jokes. If you haven't, check out an episode of "Blue Collar TV," where you can see Southerners as they see themselves. Now here are the quirks Southerners notice in their Northern cousins.

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF:
1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer au gratin potatoes to grits.
5. You don't know what a moon pie is.
6. You've never had an RC cola.
7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.
8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
10. You have no idea what a polecat is.
11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
12. You don't have bangs.
13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you refer to them as "you guys," even if both of them are women.
17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent and that he is a great role model for future generations.
18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.
19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house to keep rust off your guns and use on your joints for aches and pains.
21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an onramp to the highway.
22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
24. You call binoculars opera glasses.
25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
26. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
27. You don't know what applique is.
28. You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Carolyn Elizabeth, Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, etc.)
29. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
30. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
31. You can do your laundry without quarters.
32. None of your fur coats are homemade.

best singles ads

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy,
I'll be waiting....

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society

USMC

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London.
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."
"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened
"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked the two Arabs. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

A reminder....

One for the Ladies...

What I Want in a Man
Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 82)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

Aviation humor

For those of you who don't know, my guess, all of you. My dad and brother are both pilot's. They bought a Cessna that had been wrecked and rebuilt it in the hay barn.

Aviation Note: For those who don't know, "The Sled" is the SR-71 Blackbird spy plane from the 1960's and still the fastest airplane.
In his book, "Sled Driver", SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:
"I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace.
Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed."90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout."
There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" (That's about 2004.658 mph for those who don't know) No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
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In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet? The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it; we plan to go down to it."
He was cleared.
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The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a 45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
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My Fave
When Hillary Clinton visited Iraq last month the Army Blackhawk helicopter used to transport the Senator was given the call sign "broomstick one". And they say the Army has no sense of humor!
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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351:"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."
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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
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Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
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"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?

Quote of the Day

We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting
something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we
do have.
—Frederick Koenig

Thanks Mom...

Daddy! Come look at the kittens!!

Yep...

The meaning of lots of phrases depend on your location.

A "Safe Cracker" in New York is a person who opens a victim's safe without knowing the combination; ......in Georgia it's an AIDS-free girl on the pill.

Blonde Moments!

4 blondes walk into an apartment building.
You'da thought that one of them would have seen it.

How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
By the lipstick on the cucumbers.

My Ex Wife...

A man walks into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest London Broil," he says.
"But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter. "Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."

Wonder if it was Little Johnny...

"Oh Mom!" sobbed Little Mary, "I'm pregnant!"
"What!? How could you?" screamed the Mother,"and just who is the father?"
The daughter lifted up her tearful face and wailed,"How should I know?
You're the one who would never let me go steady!"

It would help...

Our forefathers guaranteed us the right to the pursuit of happiness.
They should have given us a few clues as to where to look.

Yep...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good looking'! How's it going'?"
She having already downed a few power drinks she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, . . . "Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat-ass love it!"
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?

Little Johnny...

My teacher is really giving me a tuff time" Little Johnny was telling his father.
"Handle it this way Johnny," his father advised. "Take special care with your personal appearance and attire. Pay attention in class. And do your assignments and homework promptly."
"I really don't think that'll help Dad," Johnny sighed. "She hissed at me during study break that she's 3 weeks overdue."

Gotta Try This...

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

Mooslem Repellent

Or
Sorry guys can't meet ya at the bar tonight...
That reminds me I need to make a list of things to pick up at Ace Hardware...

So True....

Driving my friend Steve and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer.
Steve's girlfriend glanced up at it and announced, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her."
"No," Steve corrected, "If I drank a six-pack, you'd look like her."

New Farmer...

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."
"Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well!"
"Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"

Little Johnny...

The teacher brought a Venus statue in class and asks, "What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert."
"The artwork," says Robert.
"Very good. And you, Peter?"
"Her tits!" says Peter.
"Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall," responds the teacher with disgust. "And you, Johnny?"
"I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."

Blonde Businessman...

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie.
"Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.
"That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

Worth A Try...

Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night.
He is on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot. The car lot is closed so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"
"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car this afternoon."
"Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"
"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting."
"Waiting for what?" O'Leary inquires.
"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed."

Hope So...

Penis: The only thing that a woman hopes she will find hard to handle.

Fun Stuff To Do....

STUPID ASS SHIT TO DO AT WAL-MART!
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code 3' in housewares".... and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera; & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.. "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "go, pikachu, go!"
Pass to a friend if this made you laugh...
Or are planning to do any of these things

Good One....

Little Johnny...

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn‘t paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, “Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”
Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!”

Yep...

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus ..44 she took bus ..22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

Escaped Convict

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He Breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed And Ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of Her, Kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to His wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot Of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, Don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no Matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous.
If He gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my Ear.
He told me that he's gay, he thinks you're cute, and asked if we had Any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love You Too."

SOMEBODY'S RAISING THEIR KID RIGHT!

One Nation, "Under God".
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy:
Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God up there?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. Possibly he just doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she possibly may not even have one!
(You Go Girl!)

Little Johnny...

LITTLE JOHNNY ON...PHILOSOPHY
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnny.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

LITTLE JOHNNY ON...ENGLISH
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Johnny says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful." Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE JOHNNY ON...GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then, she reluctantly called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful."

Quote of the Day

Many men owe the grandeur of their lives to their tremendous difficulties.
- -- Spurgeon